Remember when peanuts didn’t kill people? I do. Because I could eat a peanut butter sandwich at work. But not now. Nope. Because I work with kids. And kids are different nowadays. They have allergies. And asthma. And environmental sensitivities. I’m not blaming the little crappers. I get that aliens have injected everything we eat with stuff that makes them weaker now.
Because I work with children, I also understand that they are now encouraged to express themselves. Loudly. And with their hands on their hips. They say no to a lot of stuff. I’ve also noticed that kids are now allowed to use staircases, hallways, restaurants and other public gathering areas as playgrounds and storage facilities. I know this because when I’m trying to get up and down the stairs at work, parents sigh when their children have to move their stuff so I don’t trip and die.
I want to fill my lunch bag with peanut butter cookies; these peanut butter cookies that are full of butter, nuts and chocolate. These peanut butter cookies that could, in copious quantities, stop your heart. These peanut butter cookies that melt in your mouth. But I can’t. I can’t take these cookies to work because the kids I come in contact with couldn’t handle them. A cookie like this could stop a kid in its tracks.
But maybe, if you’re middle aged like I am, you can handle peanuts. Maybe you can suck ’em back with no consequences. And maybe, because you’ve gone to great lengths to make your house perilous to children, you will leave heaping platefuls of these delightful cookies around your home.
Or maybe you will stand on your front lawn eating these cookies in front of the neighbourhood children yelling, “don’t come any closer! I’ve got peanuts!” And then watch them all scream and run away.
Of course that’s wishful thinking. It’s more likely that they’ll just leave their crap at the end of your driveway so you back over it with your car.
. . .
Killer Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies
recipe: adapted from a recipe handed on to me by Rosie Beaucoup, original source unknown and likely lost at sea
Yields about 3.5 dozen.
- 2 cups all purpose flour
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 1 cup shelled, unsalted peanuts, coarsely chopped
- 1 cup salted butter, room temperature
- 1 cup smooth peanut butter
- 1 cup granulated sugar
- 1 cup brown sugar
- 2 large eggs
Preheat the oven to 325°F. Line a few baking sheets with parchment paper.
In a medium sized bowl, sift together the flour and baking soda and set aside. In a small bowl, combine the chocolate chips and peanuts and set aside.
Place the butter and peanut butter in the bowl of a stand mixer, and mix on medium speed for 2-3 minutes. The mixture will lighten in colour and get silky. Scrape down the sides of the bowl.
Add the granulated sugar 1/2 cup at a time, mixing until each addition is well incorporated. Add the brown sugar 1/2 cup at a time, mixing until each addition is well combined.
Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until smooth after each addition.
Add the flour mixture in two additions, mixing well until combined.
Stir in the peanuts and chocolate chips.
Drop by large spoonfuls onto the prepared baking sheets (I use a small ice cream scoop which holds about 1.5 tablespoons). Leave at least two inches between each cookie to allow for spreading. Slightly flatten the tops of the cookies with your fingers or the back of a spoon.
Bake for about 15 minutes, until the edges are golden. Allow to cool on wire racks.