. . .
On April 26th, I ate moths. More specifically, between 1 and 4.5 million moth eggs. It’s hard to know how many I actually ate, thus the broad range in estimated consumption.
Immediately after consuming the moth eggs, I texted 2.0. The text read: I just ate moth larvae.
I sent it at 12:27 pm. I expected an immediate response. I got: no response.
So I messaged the only other person that I thought might be able to help. Katherine at Eggton. (In hindsight, Mr. Rutherford, for reasons soon to be explained, would have been another obvious choice.)
I wrote the following message on the Eggton page: I just ate baby moths, and possibly some moth eggs. I didn’t know who else to contact about the situation. I have brushed my teeth about a million times. But I’m pretty sure they are going to reproduce in my stomach.
Katherine responded very quickly. She suggested that I find and consume a large bottle of high-proof alcohol, because (and I’m not sure if this is based on any sort of science) moths “… are allergic to that stuff and as soon as it hits ‘em, they’re toast.” She also warned me against wearing wool for at least 48 hours. After providing lots of information and support, Katherine asked: how did this happen, exactly?
My fingers shook as I typed. I told her about how I was eating fancy crackers for lunch. With smoked mussels. And how I was happy. So, so happy. Because I love fancy crackers. And I love smoked mussels. And then, as I neared the end of my tasty snack, I saw a… pantry moth situation in the cracker box. People, I need you to understand just how horrifying it is to see what you think are cracker crumbs, and to have been happily munching on those cracker crumbs, only to realize that those cracker crumbs are really moth eggs.
An hour after the moth saga began, 2.0 STILL HADN’T BEEN IN TOUCH TO SEE IF I WAS IN ANY SORT OF DANGER OR IN NEED OF EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION.
Still seeking the comfort of others, I posted this on my facebook timeline: I just ate moth eggs. As in: baby moths. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT.
Within seconds, I had a response. Thirty responses, in fact. With useful advice like: a roofie might help you forget this has happened, and avoid lightbulbs. But still nothing from 2.0.
Midway through the afternoon, I saved my neighbour from a potential kidnapping. Yah. You read that right. I saved my adult-firefighting-neighbour from possible kidnapping during my own medical emergency. And therefore, kept the city safer. Because we can’t lose any firefighters in this city. No way.
And still, no word from 2.0.
At 5 pm, when there was still no message from 2.0, I began to worry about him. What could be preventing him from getting in touch? Was he trapped under a concrete panel at work? Desperately trying to reach his cell phone? Wondering if moths were hatching in my esophagus? Was he crying? Was he fraught with moth concern, but unable to make contact with me? Etching a message on the bottom of that concrete panel with his fingernails?
No. He wasn’t trapped. He just didn’t think my “situation” was an emergency. And at 6:30 pm, 2.0 finally called. He said: “hey, do you still want me to pick up dinner, or are you too full from eating moths?”
That’ll probably be funny one day.
I guess it’s only fitting that I share the recipe for the cupcakes that I made for Mr. Rutherford’s birthday, because he ate worms for a few days several years ago. That’s probably worse than eating moths, right? You see, worms had taken up residency in a bag of raisins in the Rutherford kitchen, and Mr. Rutherford ate some of them. Or a lot of them. We’re not sure because he’d been eating those raisins for a few days before he noticed a couple of little worms squirming around in his tasty treat…
These cupcakes might help you forget the bad things that sometimes happen when you least expect it. These cupcakes will make you hungry again – even if you’ve vowed never to let food pass by your moth laden teeth ever again. These cupcakes are cheery and bright. The coconut in these cupcakes makes ‘em extra sweet, and the lime provides a little citrus balance. Be warned: if you aren’t a white chocolate fan, you’re gunna want to walk away from this frosting. It is sweet and steeped with white chocolate.
Also, just in case you’re worried, it would seem that our pantry is totally moth-free. I guess I ate ‘em all.
. . .
Yields about 16 cupcakes.
For the cupcakes:
- 1 teaspoon lemon juice
- 1/2 cup skim milk
- 1 1/4 cups all purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 3/4 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
- 1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
- 2 large eggs, room temperature
- 1 heaping teaspoon grated lime zest
- 1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
- 1 teaspoon vanilla bean paste or vanilla extract
- 1 cup sweetened coconut flakes
For the frosting:
- 140 grams (approx. 10 1 oz. squares) white chocolate
- 1/2 cup butter, room temperature
- 4 cups icing (confectioner’s) sugar, sifted
- 1 tablespoon lime juice
- 4 tablespoons sour cream
- coconut flakes for garnish (optional)
To make the cupcakes:
Grease or line muffin tins and set aside. Preheat oven to 350°F.
Make buttermilk by stirring the lemon juice into the skim milk. Set aside.
In a medium sized bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside.
Cream together the butter and sugar in the large bowl of a stand mixer on medium speed (3-4 minutes). Reduce mixer speed to low, and beat in the eggs one at a time. Add in the lime zest, lime juice and vanilla paste (or extract), and mix well.
Add the 1/3 of the flour mixture to the butter mixure, mixing to combine. Then add 1/2 of the buttermilk, mixing until well combined. Then add another 1/3 of the flour mixture, the remaining half of the buttermilk, and then the final 1/3 of the flour mixture – mixing well after each addition.
Fold in the coconut.
Scoop the cupcake mix into the prepared muffin tins, filling each well about 2/3 full. Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until a cake tester inserted into the centre of the cupcakes comes out clean. Allow the cupcakes to cool completely on a wire rack.
To make the frosting:
Carefully melt the chocolate in a heat-proof bowl over a pot of simmering water. Remove from the heat and cool until just warm.
Whip the butter in the bowl of a stand mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy (3-4 minutes). Add in 2 cups of the icing sugar, mixing on low until the mixture starts to come together. Add in the remaining icing sugar, lime juice and sour cream, mixing until smooth. Gently fold in the white chocolate.
Frost the cupcakes when they are cool, and garnish with coconut flakes if desired.