I’m turning 42 on May 2nd, and I’d like you to bake me a birthday cake. Welcome to Bake My Cake 2014: Crappy Cake Edition.
Listen, I know you like to compete. And I know you like to be judged by strangers on the interwebs. But I also know that some of you have been afraid to enter my competitions; that you feel you are not good enough. Well, sweetie, this is your year. You don’t have to be good enough. Stop reaching for the impossible, and settle for the mediocrity that is you.
Never baked a cake before? Now’s the time. Never tried rolling out fondant? You can google that. Not sure how to pipe buttercream shells, sculpt tacky toppers or build a multitiered cake? Wing it. Too cheap to buy proper decorating equipment but convinced you’ve got a great home-hack alternative? Go forth, cake pioneer! Because this year, your cakes will be grouped according to crappiness. And the crappier the better.
When you send in your Bake My Cake 2014 entries, a team of highly trained cake professionals (2.0 and I) will assess them. We will group cakes according to skill level, techniques used/attempted, mediums incorporated, overall appearance, use of theme (any theme), and overall crappiness/awesomeness. So, if your cake looks like a mother freaking savant made it, you’ll compete with other like-minded cake savants in the preliminary round. If your cake looks like it was assembled by a toothless baboon… well, we’re gunna introduce you to some new baboon friends. The final round of voting? Well, that’s a savant versus baboon free-for-all. My hands are tied.
Let’s get this sugary battle royale started:
- Create a birthday cake for movita. Anything you like. I don’t like rules, so as long as it is a cake, I’m happy. Any style. Any colour. Any flavour. Any decorating theme.
- Send movita a picture (two maximum) of your super-awesome cake by Monday, April 21st, 2014, 11:59 pm AST. Please don’t crash my email – downsize your photos a bit, okay? No late entries will be accepted. Photos shouldn’t include you/your kids/humans. We just wanna see your cake, Creepy. Hint: the judges really appreciate creative staging/lack lustre photography.
- Listen, people, I’m not kidding about the two photo thing. Send TWO photos. If you send more, I will return your email to you, tell you to pick TWO photos and demand you re-submit your entry. And don’t send me some photo you found online and then claim it as your own. Seriously. I don’t like it when my voice sounds like this.
- Don’t worry if your cake looks like crud. This year, the cruddier the better.
- Send your name, email, and any other information you might want included with your entry. Personal information (email, last name, weight) will not be posted. Just your first name, your photos, and the stupid stuff you tell me about your “creative process.”
- If you’re a blogger, please send a link to your blog. Don’t assume I know who you are. I’m super dumb. Send the URL.
- Watch for a picture of your super-awesome birthday cake to appear on movita beaucoup. I will
probablymake fun of your cake. Deal.
- Watch people vote/not vote for your super-awesome cake. Voting will take place Monday, April 28 to Thursday, May 1. Winners will be officially announced on Friday, May 2nd.
- Win the respect and admiration of many. And a prize!
Prizes have been sponsored by yours truly – because selling prescription drugs to kids in the neighbourhood has been relatively profitable. That said, I ain’t got no fancy corporate sponsors, so here are my wee offerings:
- a $50.00 (USD) gift certificate to spend online at Bake It Pretty
- you pick: an online Craftsy Cake Decorating class of your choice (budget: $65.00 USD) OR a $65.00 USD Amazon online gift certificate
- a $25.00 (USD) gift certificate to spend online at Bake it Pretty
- you pick: an online Craftsy Cake Decorating class of your choice ( budget: $45.00 USD) OR a $45.00 USD Amazon online gift certificate
Every Other Place:
- my love and respect
So, it’s settled. Start decorating your cakes, and send me your photos. You can send me your entry this week, or slap something together at the last minute like you did in high school.
Email photo(s) of your entry to movita|at|live.ca by Monday, April 21, 2014. Too lazy to copy and paste that email address? Just click on that email button in the right sidebar of this here blog.
The competition starts… NOW!