Dear Government of Nova Scotia and Canada,

So, you don’t care if I get eaten by a huge black bear, but you do care if the berries get me? This seems odd. Also, why would you send an English person in to do what is clearly the job of someone from Oregon? Oregon is, after all, the primary producer of blackberries on the planet. I mean, an Oregonian would probably know how best to determine the safety of a berry. And Serbia and Mexico are close behind in terms of blackberry farming. The English produce… murder mysteries? I’m just saying.

I have left the cobbler on the front step. The mailman is eyeing it. I think he’s from Oregon. Or maybe Mexico.

Sincerely almost yours,
Movita

I’m afraid we’ve just found out that all wild blackberries in your area are contaminated with Poisonous Blackberry Disease. It could be fatal so the best thing is to leave the remaining cobbler out on the step and stay inside. If you hear what sounds like an English person loudly eating the entire dish do not be alarmed it is simply government decontamination experts going about their tax funded business.

Thanks a ton,

Kisses,

The Government of Nova Scotia and Canada