an open letter to patricia evans

an open letter to patricia evans // movita beaucoup

Dear Patricia,

Thanks for calling today. It’s been a long time. I was excited to see your number on the phone when I got home from work this evening.

For a while there, you were calling every day. I loved running to the phone to find your name and number splashed across our call display. We didn’t even mind that you sometimes called really late at night. The phone would ring, and 2.0 would holler, “Who is it?” And I would holler back, “It’s just Patricia!”

We really appreciate that you are not deterred by the fact that the person you’re looking for does not, has not, and will not ever live with us. No matter how many times we tell you, “YOU’VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER,” you keep trying. And even though you’ve heard our answering machine with 2.0′s voice clearly stating his first and last name about a million times, you still think you might have the right number. Sometimes you’ll even leave a message for that other person you’re looking for. Oh, Patricia. You’re the best.

Sometimes, when I want to give up on something, I think: Patricia wouldn’t give up. No way. Not Patricia. Heck, you’re part of the reason I survived baking school – you taught me about perseverance. And sometimes, when 2.0 and I are laying in bed at night, I whisper, “I wonder what Patricia Evans is doing right now.” And 2.0 will turn to me and say, “Probably dialing the wrong number.”

Talk soon,

movita

.

38 Comments

  1. Liz on August 7, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Oh, my gosh; never a dull moment at your house!!!

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 8:46 am

      That’s just how we roll, Liz.

  2. Stacy on August 7, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Do you get tired of people telling you that you made them laugh out loud? I hope not. Because, once again, you made me laugh out loud. Guffaw. Chortle. Chuckle. You get the picture. You are a persistently constant. Thank God for Patricia’s good influence.

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      I never get tired of it. Nope. Never.

  3. Bonnie on August 7, 2014 at 9:13 am

    I wonder if Patricia is the one who keeps calling here? I get those calls quite often……:)

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      It’s probably Patricia. Let’s just assume it’s Patricia.

  4. Lan | morestomach on August 7, 2014 at 10:19 am

    i once had a woman call me claiming that i was the Other Woman and that i needed to stay away from her man. despite my protestations, dw’s protestations, she kept calling me, each call getting more and more violent. sometimes her man would be in the background and he would egg her on and say SHE’S LYING, SHE KNOWS WHO I AM, THIS IS HER NUMBER! (it was confirmed that in fact they did dial the correct number, a number i’ve had for over 10 years). until finally the calls stopped and now i wonder where they are, if they’re OK, if they’re still together, if there’s another Other Woman, in which case, i feel kinda betrayed…

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      I wish you’d just admit that you’re the Other Woman.

      • Aussa Lorens on August 13, 2014 at 8:31 pm

        This post makes me think of Rindy, the woman who had my cell phone number before me. There are a lot of people in Alaska, Chicago, and Jamaica that love Rindy.

  5. Doug on August 7, 2014 at 10:34 am

    Hey Rachael,

    Have you ever considered that Patricia simply has a secret crush on either, or both, you and 2.0? After all, if your voices are as enticing as is your rhetoric, Rachael, then that might well be a reasonable deduction. Just sayin’!

    Doug

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:50 pm

      Actually, Doug, that would explain a lot. 2.0 and I are VERY charming. Adorable even…

  6. emmalina73 on August 7, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Is it possible that Patricia is in the CIA? Could it be you are being monitored by international government forces as part of an Interpol sting involving art thievery, arms rings and a really, really big diamond that was stolen as part of an incredibly complex con in central Europe?

    That seems way more likely than Patricia just being the stupidest woman on Earth doesn’t it?

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:53 pm

      I hadn’t considered the espionage angle.

      Wait.

      Where’s my diamond?

    • Mike Harvey on August 8, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      Alternatively, it could be the Campaign for Serious Ballet annoyed at a few of your postings perhaps?

  7. Matt on August 7, 2014 at 10:59 am

    You can always change your answering machine greeting to something like : “You have reached the CRA audit hotline” or ” Thank you for calling the ex-con dating network” or “Adopt a snake appreciates your donation, please enter your credit card information now.”

    • Caroline on August 7, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      Some might call this stalking!

      • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:56 pm

        Caroline, when you’re as adorable as I am, you get used to stalkers.

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      Matt, aren’t you American? Did you look up the CRA online so you could make this comment accurate for my Canadian sensibilities? If so, you are at least as awesome as my best friend, Patricia.

      • Matt on August 7, 2014 at 4:41 pm

        I wish I could say I’m that sensitive, but…. My dad is 100% quebecois

        • movita beaucoup on August 8, 2014 at 7:28 am

          That makes more sense.

  8. natalie @ wee eats on August 7, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    I like Matt’s idea, or perhaps adding a line to the answering machine, “If this is Patricia Evans, ___ still does not live here and you still have the wrong number, but we appreciate your persistence!”

    • movita beaucoup on August 7, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      If only we had thought of that…

  9. Anne @ Webicurean on August 7, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    My Uncle Fritz would every once in a while answer the phone–“county morgue, you kill ’em we chill ’em, you stab ’em we slab ’em” …. when you see ol’ Patricia calling, give it a whirl… maybe be a different person every time she calls!

    • movita beaucoup on August 8, 2014 at 7:29 am

      I think Uncle Fritz was on to something…

  10. Jennie on August 7, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    I suppose we all need a Patricia in our life to remind us that persistence is the key to success–well, sometimes.

    • movita beaucoup on August 8, 2014 at 7:30 am

      NEVER GIVE UP, JENNIE. Patricia wouldn’t.

  11. Karen @ Karen's Kitchen Stories on August 8, 2014 at 12:50 am

    I get those calls in Spanish. P.S. Love the retro phone. xoxo

    • movita beaucoup on August 8, 2014 at 7:31 am

      That’s our if-the-power-goes-out phone. I mean, Patricia wouldn’t be able to get through if we were solely reliant on cordless…

  12. gottagetbaked on August 8, 2014 at 1:25 am

    I bet Patricia is doing a slow roll in her house in front of your house at this very moment…

    • movita beaucoup on August 8, 2014 at 7:32 am

      I bet she chins her way across the living room on a regular basis.

      God, Patricia is cool.

  13. shannon on August 8, 2014 at 8:40 am

    *laugh-crying* i…i can’t.

  14. NancyB on August 8, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Bless Her Heart!
    This is a term used by the people of the southern U.S.particularly near the Gulf of Mexico to express to someone that they are an idiot without saying such harsh words.

  15. Mike Harvey on August 8, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    On a similar subject, I had an irate woman leave a voicemail on my mobile some years ago accusing me of screwing her Husband. I do wish I’d been able to talk to her, I suspect it would have been a fascinating conversation.

  16. Nancy @ gottagetbaked on August 8, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Dammit, I meant a slow roll in her car not her house! I’m an idiot. I ruined my own clever remark (not so clever but let me cling onto the belief).

    • movita beaucoup on August 8, 2014 at 7:16 pm

      That DOES make more sense… Still, all rolling is funny.

  17. Kelly Neil on August 9, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Oh Patricia…

  18. Maureen | Orgasmic Chef on August 16, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Even the dog is barking out loud over this one. Patricia is one persistent woman. I think I love her.

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