crap no. 19

crap // movita beaucoup

My first crap of 2016! (Literally. I’ve been pretty stressed out.)

Niles the Cat has been under the weather lately, as he’s still battling an eye injury from October. This week we started a more aggressive treatment, which basically means things have to get worse before they get better. So because I’m a World Class Worrier, I’m behind on a lot of things like blogging and personal hygiene.

The other day, 2.0 asked me if I had ever heard of The Beatles, and then proceeded to play me snippets of their songs asking, “What about this one? Have you heard this one? What about Hey Jude? Ever heard that one? Let me find it…” Whyyyyyyy?

crap // movita beaucoup

2.0 and I have declared 2016 The Year of the House. We are purging, editing and touching up around our humble abode so we’ll be ready to roll should we decide to sell. Should we decide not to sell, we’ll look less like those people on Hoarders. I spent last Sunday shredding documents in the office, and came across paperwork from when a woman sued me for wrongful dismissal. I won because she didn’t actually work for me, which made it impossible for me to wrongfully dismiss her. She seemed like the sort of person who wanted to see what my eyes would look like in a jar.

crap // movita beaucoup

Last year I came down with a wicked stomach ailment. I woke in the middle of the night with my insides lurching like an elk on a trampoline. It was my first time barfing in front of 2.0, and once I finally accepted the situation, I continued to do so for about 27 hours. It was one of those times I not only looked like death, but was actually looking forward to it. A few days later, 2.0 rolled over to face me in bed and said, “I can’t believe how much barfing you did!”

movita: I know! It was pretty awful. My body hurts.

2.0: I’m not surprised. You’re not good at it.

movita: Not good at what?

2.0: Barfing.


2.0: I mean, at first you were pretty good. But then you were just making a lot of noise and heaving and stuff. That’s probably why your body hurts. All show, no substance.

movita: I ran out of stuff to barf up! I’m pretty sure I saw some Kraft Dinner from 1987 in there.

2.0: Uh huh. Listen, it’s okay, honey. So what if you’re not good at barfing?

movita: I AM GOOD AT BARFING. I RAN OUT OF THINGS TO THROW UP. Also, you fell asleep midway through my performance, and probably missed some of my best barfs.

2.0: (shaking his head) It’s not a competition honey. You can’t be good at everything.

That conversation was repeated about 30 times in the following weeks before I decided that being a great barfer probably shouldn’t be a priority in my life.

crap // movita beaucoup

FYI, if you have ever suffered through what my brother likes to call The Double Dragon, you might want to read this. (The Double Dragon is, I’m sad to inform you, explosive diarrhea paired with violent barfing.)

Finally, this video helped me get through a rough patch in December. I’ve watched it 370,129 times. I highly recommend it if you need a little boost. Skip to about the 3:30 mark if you want to see some kids that are off da hook.

P.S. Have you signed up for my newsletter? It’s basically a bonus edition of crap that I send out periodically. (What it isn’t: an email every time I post/truncated rss feed.) You can sign up in the sidebar over there on the right!

30 Responses to crap no. 19

  1. teresa January 15, 2016 at 2:35 pm #

    Well, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE reading your “crap”. :o) Love it!

    • movita beaucoup January 15, 2016 at 2:46 pm #

      I love crapping for you, Teresa. I really do.

  2. Beth January 15, 2016 at 2:42 pm #

    Kraft dinner from ’87!!? Thsts impressive! You may want to consider more fibre…

    • movita beaucoup January 15, 2016 at 3:07 pm #

      I’ve been adding prune juice to our smoothies. That outta do it…

  3. WillCookForFriends January 15, 2016 at 3:32 pm #

    I look forward to your craps so much. (Words I never thought I’d say). That conversation with 2.0 is absolutely hilarious — I love that you share those little snippets with us. I’ve recently decided I need to get into the habit of writing down some of the things The Husband says, so I can look back on them one day. He has yet to live up to 2.0, though.

    Also, THAT VIDEO. I love it so much!

    • movita beaucoup January 16, 2016 at 11:21 am #

      2.0 has a way with words. And tormenting.

  4. Elizabeth January 15, 2016 at 5:09 pm #

    I hope the eye injury heals! We went through something similar with The Monkey this summer. He basically looked like the terminator/a cyborg.

    The good news: He’s totally fine now! I mean, there’s a minor scar on his cornea, but he still has two eyes that work!

    The bad news: We had to medicate him 5 times a day for like two weeks. Not. Cool.

    • movita beaucoup January 15, 2016 at 9:22 pm #

      I’m administering medicine SEVEN TIMES A DAY. That said, it’s an excuse to administer snuggles and eat Doritos as well. Fingers crossed, Niles will make a recovery like your Monkey!

  5. Stephbo January 15, 2016 at 5:14 pm #

    Holy crap! I’m breathing hard, and my knees, ankles, and wrists hurt after all that dancing. And I never left the couch.

    I hope you and Niles are feeling better!

    • movita beaucoup January 16, 2016 at 11:23 am #

      Presently, Niles is sleeping in the middle of couch, enjoying a lazy morning. It would seem that the dance video wore him out as well.

  6. Robot Scott January 15, 2016 at 5:22 pm #

    Ask Eggton about this one (, and how it relates to your story. I will not be disappointed.

    • movita beaucoup January 15, 2016 at 9:20 pm #

      I’M ON IT.

  7. Ignoramist January 15, 2016 at 5:41 pm #

    First crap of 2016?

    Once again, it’s not a competition.

    • movita beaucoup January 15, 2016 at 9:11 pm #

      I can’t help myself…

  8. Brianne January 15, 2016 at 8:02 pm #

    Those miniatures! I love them. I’m sorry that you’re being auditorily assaulted by The Beatles. Also, I’ve heard tales of the double dragon, and after catheters, that might be my worst nightmare. Glad you’re feeling better (Missy the Misdemeanor does a lot for those in a rough patch, but dang, I sure wish I could move like that!), and I hope the kitty heals well!

    • movita beaucoup January 16, 2016 at 11:24 am #

      Catheters. I forgot about those. WORST CASE SCENARIO.

  9. Megan January 16, 2016 at 1:16 am #

    Ahh, the double dragon, also known as a trash can/toilet situation. I, for one, love a good barfing meets relationship story. Hilarious. Happy New Year!

    • movita beaucoup January 16, 2016 at 11:24 am #

      Happy New Year, Megan!

  10. Kelly Neil January 16, 2016 at 3:16 pm #

    2 things –

    1. I really enjoyed the Missy Elliott song. Which was nice because I was unsure.

    2. I’ve been a victim of The Double Dragon. Not nearly as much fun as the name implies.

    • movita beaucoup January 19, 2016 at 10:08 am #

      1. MISSY. You can’t go wrong.
      2. The Double Dragon would be much nicer if referring to a Chinese restaurant. Then I’d be totally on board.

  11. Karen January 16, 2016 at 7:23 pm #

    Your crap… How can Anyone not love it. I can hardly wait for it. And 2.0. He’s the best! And your doing an amazing job with Niles. Nine medicine’s. He’ll get better..he has so much love from you. Your the best mommy. Amazing! I just love that You rock girl. Oh, and I asked the bf if he knew what the Double Dragon was..he did. Say What?!?!?!

    • movita beaucoup January 19, 2016 at 10:08 am #

      I think The Double Dragon is one of the first entries in the Dude Handbook.

  12. Liz Berg January 17, 2016 at 8:02 am #

    Haha, so you’re not a barfing pro? I’m not sure that should be anyone’s aspiration!

    • movita beaucoup January 19, 2016 at 10:09 am #

      Probably not. Still, I’ve added it to my 2016 Goal Tracker.

  13. kerrycooks January 18, 2016 at 9:41 am #

    Not good at barfing – hilarious! Hope Niles feels better soon x

    • movita beaucoup January 19, 2016 at 10:10 am #

      Thanks, Kerry! Niles is feeling a little better these days, but may need another treatment this week. So we’ll start all over again! (Good thing he’s worth it…)

  14. Brooks January 20, 2016 at 1:08 am #

    Now my sides hurt from outloud laughing. You. Your words. Gems!

  15. Jennifer January 30, 2016 at 2:35 pm #

    Holy Crap. I’ve just spent the last hour or so reading all the crap, and it was all kinds of awesome. I’m not even sure how I ended up here but SO happy it happened. You rock.

    • movita beaucoup January 31, 2016 at 9:54 am #

      YOU rock! Thanks so much for finding me and my crap…

  16. rockandwool February 28, 2016 at 9:47 am #

    M O V I T A !!!!

    Was that YOU in the little green shirt at the end of the video????
    Holy Cow—my heart is racing!

    Awesome dance moves, girL.


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