crap no. 19
My first crap of 2016! (Literally. I’ve been pretty stressed out.)
Niles the Cat has been under the weather lately, as he’s still battling an eye injury from October. This week we started a more aggressive treatment, which basically means things have to get worse before they get better. So because I’m a World Class Worrier, I’m behind on a lot of things like blogging and personal hygiene.
The other day, 2.0 asked me if I had ever heard of The Beatles, and then proceeded to play me snippets of their songs asking, “What about this one? Have you heard this one? What about Hey Jude? Ever heard that one? Let me find it…” Whyyyyyyy?
2.0 and I have declared 2016 The Year of the House. We are purging, editing and touching up around our humble abode so we’ll be ready to roll should we decide to sell. Should we decide not to sell, we’ll look less like those people on Hoarders. I spent last Sunday shredding documents in the office, and came across paperwork from when a woman sued me for wrongful dismissal. I won because she didn’t actually work for me, which made it impossible for me to wrongfully dismiss her. She seemed like the sort of person who wanted to see what my eyes would look like in a jar.
Last year I came down with a wicked stomach ailment. I woke in the middle of the night with my insides lurching like an elk on a trampoline. It was my first time barfing in front of 2.0, and once I finally accepted the situation, I continued to do so for about 27 hours. It was one of those times I not only looked like death, but was actually looking forward to it. A few days later, 2.0 rolled over to face me in bed and said, “I can’t believe how much barfing you did!”
movita: I know! It was pretty awful. My body hurts.
2.0: I’m not surprised. You’re not good at it.
movita: Not good at what?
2.0: Barfing.
movita:
2.0: I mean, at first you were pretty good. But then you were just making a lot of noise and heaving and stuff. That’s probably why your body hurts. All show, no substance.
movita: I ran out of stuff to barf up! I’m pretty sure I saw some Kraft Dinner from 1987 in there.
2.0: Uh huh. Listen, it’s okay, honey. So what if you’re not good at barfing?
movita: I AM GOOD AT BARFING. I RAN OUT OF THINGS TO THROW UP. Also, you fell asleep midway through my performance, and probably missed some of my best barfs.
2.0: (shaking his head) It’s not a competition honey. You can’t be good at everything.
That conversation was repeated about 30 times in the following weeks before I decided that being a great barfer probably shouldn’t be a priority in my life.
FYI, if you have ever suffered through what my brother likes to call The Double Dragon, you might want to read this. (The Double Dragon is, I’m sad to inform you, explosive diarrhea paired with violent barfing.)
Finally, this video helped me get through a rough patch in December. I’ve watched it 370,129 times. I highly recommend it if you need a little boost. Skip to about the 3:30 mark if you want to see some kids that are off da hook.
P.S. Have you signed up for my newsletter? It’s basically a bonus edition of crap that I send out periodically. (What it isn’t: an email every time I post/truncated rss feed.) You can sign up in the sidebar over there on the right!
Well, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE reading your “crap”. :o) Love it!
I love crapping for you, Teresa. I really do.
Kraft dinner from ’87!!? Thsts impressive! You may want to consider more fibre…
I’ve been adding prune juice to our smoothies. That outta do it…
I look forward to your craps so much. (Words I never thought I’d say). That conversation with 2.0 is absolutely hilarious — I love that you share those little snippets with us. I’ve recently decided I need to get into the habit of writing down some of the things The Husband says, so I can look back on them one day. He has yet to live up to 2.0, though.
Also, THAT VIDEO. I love it so much!
2.0 has a way with words. And tormenting.
I hope the eye injury heals! We went through something similar with The Monkey this summer. He basically looked like the terminator/a cyborg.
The good news: He’s totally fine now! I mean, there’s a minor scar on his cornea, but he still has two eyes that work!
The bad news: We had to medicate him 5 times a day for like two weeks. Not. Cool.
I’m administering medicine SEVEN TIMES A DAY. That said, it’s an excuse to administer snuggles and eat Doritos as well. Fingers crossed, Niles will make a recovery like your Monkey!
Holy crap! I’m breathing hard, and my knees, ankles, and wrists hurt after all that dancing. And I never left the couch.
I hope you and Niles are feeling better!
Presently, Niles is sleeping in the middle of couch, enjoying a lazy morning. It would seem that the dance video wore him out as well.
Ask Eggton about this one (http://eggton.com/2014/02/28/once-upon-a-time/), and how it relates to your story. I will not be disappointed.
I’M ON IT.
First crap of 2016?
Once again, it’s not a competition.
I can’t help myself…
Those miniatures! I love them. I’m sorry that you’re being auditorily assaulted by The Beatles. Also, I’ve heard tales of the double dragon, and after catheters, that might be my worst nightmare. Glad you’re feeling better (Missy the Misdemeanor does a lot for those in a rough patch, but dang, I sure wish I could move like that!), and I hope the kitty heals well!
Catheters. I forgot about those. WORST CASE SCENARIO.
Ahh, the double dragon, also known as a trash can/toilet situation. I, for one, love a good barfing meets relationship story. Hilarious. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year, Megan!
2 things –
1. I really enjoyed the Missy Elliott song. Which was nice because I was unsure.
2. I’ve been a victim of The Double Dragon. Not nearly as much fun as the name implies.
1. MISSY. You can’t go wrong.
2. The Double Dragon would be much nicer if referring to a Chinese restaurant. Then I’d be totally on board.
Your crap… How can Anyone not love it. I can hardly wait for it. And 2.0. He’s the best! And your doing an amazing job with Niles. Nine medicine’s. He’ll get better..he has so much love from you. Your the best mommy. Amazing! I just love that word..lol. You rock girl. Oh, and I asked the bf if he knew what the Double Dragon was..he did. Say What?!?!?!
I think The Double Dragon is one of the first entries in the Dude Handbook.
Haha, so you’re not a barfing pro? I’m not sure that should be anyone’s aspiration!
Probably not. Still, I’ve added it to my 2016 Goal Tracker.
Not good at barfing – hilarious! Hope Niles feels better soon x
Thanks, Kerry! Niles is feeling a little better these days, but may need another treatment this week. So we’ll start all over again! (Good thing he’s worth it…)
Now my sides hurt from outloud laughing. You. Your words. Gems!
Holy Crap. I’ve just spent the last hour or so reading all the crap, and it was all kinds of awesome. I’m not even sure how I ended up here but SO happy it happened. You rock.
YOU rock! Thanks so much for finding me and my crap…
M O V I T A !!!!
Was that YOU in the little green shirt at the end of the video????
Holy Cow—my heart is racing!
Awesome dance moves, girL.
Thumbs
up!
thanX
teri