My first crap of 2016! (Literally. I’ve been pretty stressed out.)
Niles the Cat has been under the weather lately, as he’s still battling an eye injury from October. This week we started a more aggressive treatment, which basically means things have to get worse before they get better. So because I’m a World Class Worrier, I’m behind on a lot of things like blogging and personal hygiene.
The other day, 2.0 asked me if I had ever heard of The Beatles, and then proceeded to play me snippets of their songs asking, “What about this one? Have you heard this one? What about Hey Jude? Ever heard that one? Let me find it…” Whyyyyyyy?
2.0 and I have declared 2016 The Year of the House. We are purging, editing and touching up around our humble abode so we’ll be ready to roll should we decide to sell. Should we decide not to sell, we’ll look less like those people on Hoarders. I spent last Sunday shredding documents in the office, and came across paperwork from when a woman sued me for wrongful dismissal. I won because she didn’t actually work for me, which made it impossible for me to wrongfully dismiss her. She seemed like the sort of person who wanted to see what my eyes would look like in a jar.
Last year I came down with a wicked stomach ailment. I woke in the middle of the night with my insides lurching like an elk on a trampoline. It was my first time barfing in front of 2.0, and once I finally accepted the situation, I continued to do so for about 27 hours. It was one of those times I not only looked like death, but was actually looking forward to it. A few days later, 2.0 rolled over to face me in bed and said, “I can’t believe how much barfing you did!”
movita: I know! It was pretty awful. My body hurts.
2.0: I’m not surprised. You’re not good at it.
movita: Not good at what?
2.0: I mean, at first you were pretty good. But then you were just making a lot of noise and heaving and stuff. That’s probably why your body hurts. All show, no substance.
movita: I ran out of stuff to barf up! I’m pretty sure I saw some Kraft Dinner from 1987 in there.
2.0: Uh huh. Listen, it’s okay, honey. So what if you’re not good at barfing?
movita: I AM GOOD AT BARFING. I RAN OUT OF THINGS TO THROW UP. Also, you fell asleep midway through my performance, and probably missed some of my best barfs.
2.0: (shaking his head) It’s not a competition honey. You can’t be good at everything.
That conversation was repeated about 30 times in the following weeks before I decided that being a great barfer probably shouldn’t be a priority in my life.
FYI, if you have ever suffered through what my brother likes to call The Double Dragon, you might want to read this. (The Double Dragon is, I’m sad to inform you, explosive diarrhea paired with violent barfing.)
Finally, this video helped me get through a rough patch in December. I’ve watched it 370,129 times. I highly recommend it if you need a little boost. Skip to about the 3:30 mark if you want to see some kids that are off da hook.
P.S. Have you signed up for my newsletter? It’s basically a bonus edition of crap that I send out periodically. (What it isn’t: an email every time I post/truncated rss feed.) You can sign up in the sidebar over there on the right!