crap no. 25

Murder Couple had a fight last week. I’m not sure what happened, but I was out watering some plants when they came walking by. Lady killer was striding about 10 feet in front of her limping male counterpart, and looked like she had some plans for his eyeballs and a decorative jar. (Are they suffering from the stress and deprivation associated with a cooling off period? Did she do something to his foot? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS FOOT?) Anyhoo, because I know how to protect myself from serial killers, I knew to a) have my strongest body parts ready for a counterattack, and b) run away. As I was running toward the backyard, I contemplated how I might use my armpits in a counterattack. Just hold my arms up? Waft a little? Pungent headlock?

2.0 did some entertaining on the weekend. He gave me the following shopping list for his party:

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

Such simple needs, yes? As I was leaving for the store he hollered, “Hey, honey? Get a little something for yourself while you’re out, okay Little Lady?” What is it like, I wonder? Believing it’s still 1964… Thankfully, I was able to track down every item on the list, and the soirée was a success. So successful that 2.0 managed to lose his shoes and his cell phone. But we found a Blackberry in the kitchen the next morning, so things balanced out.

Someone knows how to write a headline:

crap // movita beaucoup

“The police didn’t care so much about the traffic jam, she said, but officer Daniel Hagthorpe was concerned about the alleged laser attack and public sex.” [click thru to source]

My brother, Adopamop, lives in France with my sister-practically-in-law, Isa, and their three adorable children. Isa was born and raised in France, which makes everything she says sound very fancy, and everything she does seem very exotic. Yes, she’s using nail clippers, but they’re FRENCH nail clippers.

Today, as I flipped through some television channels, I was reminded of the time Isa came to Nova Scotia for four weeks. You learn a lot about person when they crash in your country for a month. Isa had a guilty pleasure: American television shows. Not the good ones – the really embarrassing ones. She was absolutely captivated by shows like The Maury Povich Show, The Bachelor, and Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

Thus, a typical conversation with Isa during her stay would go something like this:

Day One

Isa: You are here just in time! There is a DNA special on Maury today!
movita: Oh, Isa, it’s not a special. Every day is DNA Day on Maury.

Day Two

Isa: Oh my goodness, you must come and see! The World’s Big Fat American Loser is on!
movita: I think you mean The Biggest Loser.
Isa: Ah, yes. The big losers are on the tv.

Day Three

Isa: Come here. Sit beside me. There is a DNA special on Maury today. I think you should watch.
movita: Isa, it’s not a special when it’s on EVERY day.

Day Four

Isa: Oh good! The World’s Favourite American Loser Person Show is on. Sit and watch with me!
movita: The Biggest Loser, Isa. THE BIGGEST LOSER.

Day Five

Isa: Where are you going? Maury is doing a special on paternity today.
movita: Is it a DNA special?
Isa: Yes! How did you guess?

Day Six

Isa: Guess what’s on!
movita: Are we still doing this?

Gosh, I miss Isa.

10 Responses to crap no. 25

  1. Karen @ Karen's Kitchen Stories August 17, 2016 at 4:21 pm #

    Thank you for putting a big smile on my face!

    • movita beaucoup August 17, 2016 at 4:39 pm #

      I can’t take all the credit, Karen. The murderers and Maury Povich helped.

  2. heatherjay August 17, 2016 at 4:31 pm #

    What, pray tell, is “Sweet Heat”?

    • movita beaucoup August 17, 2016 at 4:38 pm #

      Excellent question, Heather. Sweet Heat is President’s Choice Sweet with Heat Prepared Mustard. Required for all sausages consumed in this household.

  3. Beth August 17, 2016 at 5:13 pm #

    My armpits are also my strongest parts, but I’ve never been quite sure how to best use them as a weapon. Thank you, Movita, because of your wisdom I am now a stinky warrior woman!
    You’re the best????

    • movita beaucoup August 17, 2016 at 8:12 pm #

      Thanks, Beth! I’m still working out the best way to use my pits to my advantage. It occurs to me that a headlock would have to be well positioned, so wafting might be a better option. Alternatively, the classic Pull My Finger might have possibilities in a pinch…

  4. thatskinnychickcanbake August 18, 2016 at 6:31 am #

    Isa’s love of trash TV made me laugh out loud. She needs to come back for another visit!!

  5. shannon August 18, 2016 at 12:48 pm #

    Did 2.0 ask you for some “sweet heat” on that list? because that’s a nice way to throw some extracurriculars into your day, i think. Amidst the pretzels and sausage buns, i mean. 😉

    I often wonder what people from other, classier countries think of American TV. Because for me, it’s just massively embarrassing, but i’m happy to amuse everyone else, Isa included.

  6. Eva August 19, 2016 at 10:01 pm #

    My life pre-Movita = dull
    My life post-Movita = brilliant
    You are mesmerizing Ms Rachael

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