welcome to the sweatshop

welcome to the sweatshop // movita beaucoup

On a recent trip to the grocery store, my entrance was blocked by a group of fit humans promoting their gym. They were wearing expensive sneakers, matching tearaway pants, and jackets adorned with the gym’s logos. The clipboards they were holding made them look very official – like Mr. Harris, my sixth grade gym teacher.

Kylie: Hi there! My name is Kylie! I’m the manager at The Sweatshop, and we have a great promotion going on!

movita: No, thank you. I get free classes at work.

Kylie: But we’ll give you a free three-day trial!

movita: Right, but then I’d have to pay for a membership, which seems silly given that I can get classes for free at work.

Kylie: That’s so great! Where do you work?

movita: I’m a ballet teacher.

Kylie: Oh, wow! That’s amazing! So you kind of get to workout every time you go to work.

movita: Right. So you see where I’m going with this.

Kylie does not see where I am going with this.

Kylie: (nodding enthusiastically) So classes are your thing? Rather than working out on equipment?

I guess this longversation is happening.

movita: Sure, but gyms are not my thing. Ballet studios are my thing.

Kylie: Well, we have lots of classes you could take!

movita: So does my workplace. For free. But thanks anyway…

I turn to walk away, trying to end the conversation with a smile and a wave.

Kylie: But WE have a virtual fitness machine!

I get my ass back there as fast as humanly possible.

movita: What’s that now?

Kylie: It’s a computer system! If we aren’t offering the sort class you want at the time you want it, it doesn’t matter. You can still take a class! Any time of day! Simply select the class you want on the computer, and then stand in front of a big drop-down screen, and follow along! There are hundreds of classes to choose from. It’s so convenient!

movita: Whoa, hang on. You mean I’m in the middle of a gym, watching a class on a television screen, and I’m copying whatever is happening on the screen? So… everyone is watching me do, say, zumba all by myself?

Kylie: (pausing) Yes? (gives it a second thought) YES! And it’s not a television screen. It’s a very big screen. Like a movie screen!

movita: Sounds like a good way to get beat up in the parking lot.

Kylie: Oh, let me assure you, our parking lot is very safe!

movita: Not after I do a jazzercise solo in the middle of your gym.

Kylie giggles nervously, but is not deterred. She’s still smiling like The Sweatshop has single-handedly discovered the cure for Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

movita: So… why wouldn’t I just watch a class on YouTube – for free – and follow along in my living room? You know, without 50 people watching me jump around in front of a big screen all by myself?

Kylie: Because our system has so many classes to choose from?

movita: Of course. The internet doesn’t have much on it yet.

Kylie: So, all I need is your phone number so I can call you. We’ll set up a time for your tour, and we’ll pick your free trial classes together!


Kylie: So, your number?

I give her the number from my old cell phone, disconnected eight years ago.

Kylie: I look forward to seeing you soon!

movita: I look forward to wowing your clients with my jazzercise solo!

Kylie finally looks less than enthusiastic.

10 Responses to welcome to the sweatshop

  1. WillCookForFriends September 15, 2016 at 4:59 pm #

    Woooow. Just wow. I think there’s a certain amount of ignorance involved in being a good salesperson, and Kylie sure has got it. 😛

    • movita beaucoup September 15, 2016 at 5:01 pm #

      Her pants were pretty tight. I’m wondering if a circulatory issue was part of the problem.

  2. DogsDontPurr September 15, 2016 at 8:12 pm #

    You gave her an old disconnected cell number. Huh. So THAT’S why I keep getting calls from someone named Kylie telling me I’m late for class! Ha!

    (Seriously tho, I actually HAVE been getting calls for someone who keeps missing their appts with their personal trainer. My phone number is very unique, so I don’t know how they could have dialed it by mistake, but…well…your post above explains everything now. And like, I’m the last person who would have a personal trainer. I wouldn’t even be caught dead in a gym. Or, let me re-phrase that…I probably would be FOUND dead if I were ever caught in a gym. Ha!)

    • movita beaucoup September 16, 2016 at 7:30 am #

      You’d be on one of my true crime shows! They’d call your episode something like Final Workout: Dying to Lose the Weight. And they’d use an actress wearing a spandex outfit and leg warmers to reenact your first and last trip to the gym. It would be sad, but also intriguing. Because no one would ever suspect that it was Kylie that did it.

  3. Andrea LeBlanc September 15, 2016 at 11:39 pm #

    I wish I could have witnessed this!!!! Your so funny!!! Lol!

    • movita beaucoup September 16, 2016 at 7:23 am #

      I do all of this for you Andrea. ALL OF IT.

  4. Mike Harvey (@Tw0fl0wer) September 16, 2016 at 3:22 am #

    That is one persistent salesgirl. Poor thing had probably been told she’d be out of a job if she didn’t make her quota.

    • movita beaucoup September 16, 2016 at 7:23 am #

      She really seemed to like her gym. It seemed pretty tough for her to imagine that other people might not want to hang out there. I’m hoping this means she also really likes working there!

  5. Liz Berg September 17, 2016 at 5:44 pm #

    Haha. This is why I don’t answer my phone. But I guess you have no choice when you get accosted at the grocery store. You played it very well.

  6. Stephbo September 20, 2016 at 2:13 am #

    “Of course. The internet doesn’t have much on it yet.” Lmao!!

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