crap no. 31

effie // movita beaucoup

I’ve been a bit MIA lately because I have a neck injury that is making it difficult to sit at the computer and live and stuff. I know what you’re thinking: didn’t I delete this blog from my reading list three months ago? YOU DIDN’T.

I fell at work the other day. (That’s not how I hurt my neck; only my self-esteem suffered.) I was trying to cover an extremely slippery spot with a mat so my dancers wouldn’t injure themselves, and then I wiped out. As I was laying on the floor, Chloe looked down at me and said, “I’ve never seen you that low before. I mean, I’ve seen you sitting and standing, but I’ve never seen you laying.”

Speaking of falling, most dancers have a few horror stories about performances-gone-wrong. My favourites usually involve costume malfunctions and nose dives. Years ago, my friend Noriko was telling a group of us about a fall she had during a very important performance. When she reached the climax of her story, we grew quiet; you could have heard a pin drop in the room. We just sat there, feeling bad for her. After what seemed like an eternity of silence my roommate PUT UP HER HAND and quietly asked, “Did it make a loud sound? You know, when you fell?” Thank god! We were all wondering. (The sound was described as a “moderately loud thud.”)

ocean // movita beaucoup

I think Murder Couple broke up. I keep seeing the male part, but not the female. There was a stabbing in my neighbourhood last week, so now I’m wondering if she got arrested. Anyway, he looks terrible and I feel bad for him. Not bad enough to let him get anywhere near me, but still. Maybe I should leave a comb and some shaving cream by the curb for him? Please advise.

I was really worried that I’d be sad about leaving my job on June 9th, but then things got really ridiculous and it seems like everyone is quitting and/or freaking out, so now I feel like this:

Of course, I’m pretty excited that I’ve started a mass evacuation because now I’ve got proof that no one wants to be anywhere if I’m not there. (I just high fived myself.)

Despite my overwhelming popularity, I’ve been feeling kinda meh lately. As in: I have no direction in my life and lack the motivation to break out a map. I don’t even have the energy to panic about the situation, which is weird for someone as anxious as I am. Rosie Beaucoup has taken to calling me a freelancer. This is because freelancer sounds better than: my unemployed middle-aged daughter. When I asked Mrs. Rutherford just what the hell I was going to freelance, she said, “You’re a freelance artist, dummy. Just do art stuff.”

doing art stuff // movita beaucoup

Speaking of the Rutherfords, a Rutherford kid has a birthday coming up and wants me to bake the cake. After the Star Wars Disco cake of 2016, I asked Mrs. Rutherford to try to talk her kid into a theme I could understand. A couple of days later Mrs. Rutherford called.

Mrs. Rutherford: Good news, I talked her into a cat cake.

movita: Finally! A cake I can get on board with! This is going to be awesom-

Mrs. Rutherford: Wait. Don’t get excited. She doesn’t want a regular cat cake. She wants a WARRIOR cat cake.

movita: Son of a bitch.

sugar shells // movita beaucoup

I think I’m going to write a book this summer. A volume of Ballet Explained. And then I’ll sell it and become a hundredaire. Does the word volume make me sound douchie? Are you deleting me from your reading list? DON’T LEAVE ME.

15 Responses to crap no. 31

  1. Kara May 5, 2017 at 8:02 pm #

    Writing a book is an awesome idea! I’d buy it!

    • movita beaucoup May 7, 2017 at 10:16 am #

      If you could buy, say, 397 copies that would be most helpful.

  2. Lynne Knowlton (@lynneknowlton) May 5, 2017 at 10:48 pm #

    Ohhh Movi ( do you hate that I call you that, even tho I know your REAL NAME?! <– I screamed that.) Seriously girlfran, I wanted to yell DITTO on every word you wrote, but then I figured that it wouldn't be appropriate to yell like that.

    Land this plane, Lynne. Land it.

    I think you should come live with me in my treehouse for at least 47302493750875 days. That would surely solve all our problems.

    xx

    • movita beaucoup May 7, 2017 at 10:15 am #

      This sounds entirely logical. I’m assuming you will feed me, so I won’t need a job…

  3. Joan May 6, 2017 at 7:59 am #

    I am looking forward to the book. And I am curious about the “murder couple”.
    Joan

    • movita beaucoup May 7, 2017 at 10:16 am #

      You should be very worried, Joan. Murder Couple uses the bus stop right by your house.

  4. s.e. May 6, 2017 at 11:00 am #

    I know several girls/dancers who are going to cry at recital because you are leaving 🙁 MCPA will NOT be the same without you.

  5. Karen May 6, 2017 at 7:45 pm #

    I’m so sorry about your neck =(

    As always, I love reading your posts. You had a stabbing in the neighborhood, and now half of murder couple is MIA? This alone should keep you busy as you contemplate your future. In fact, it should be your mission to find out what happened. Leaving some shaving cream might encourage him to break out the razor blades though. Maybe just the comb.

    • movita beaucoup May 7, 2017 at 10:17 am #

      Excellent point. Maybe a comb AND a bar of soap?

  6. Monica May 8, 2017 at 3:46 pm #

    I don’t know what’s worse…a prolonged time to think about employment options or the immediate “You’ve been laid off, thanks and have a nice day.” I’m currently in that latter category. I’d find a Ballet for dummies book quite engaging and a nice distraction from job hunting. Best wishes in your job/career endeavors; I’m married to a musician myself and understand how hard it is to “do artist stuff”.

  7. Stephbo May 8, 2017 at 7:53 pm #

    Rosie is wrong. “Freelancer ” means “mostly unemployed but bringing in dine money from time to time.” “Entrepreneur” means “unemployed but trying to make myself sound important.”

    I noticed that you shrewdly avoided telling us how you DID injure yourself. Sneaky.

  8. chagrinnamontoast May 9, 2017 at 9:37 am #

    Channel your inner warrior–you’ve clearly got plenty of it, and the WARRIOR CAT CAKE will be brilliant.

  9. Apye May 9, 2017 at 6:30 pm #

    Hey I know this is a weird question but the comments on your recipe post were closed so a 6 inch pan means it’s 6 in in diameter right? Not 6 inches in circumference or height? This is a perfectly serious question I’m new to cake baking and after much googling I realized I’ll just have to ask. Thanks.

  10. the incurable dreamer May 10, 2017 at 12:51 am #

    PLEASE WRITE A VOLUME! (Sooo not douchie!) Your brain is magic. And please keep us posted on the murder couple. Fascinating!

  11. Maureen | Orgasmic Chef May 11, 2017 at 4:44 am #

    I would buy that book if they are the same sort of ballet explanations you’ve given in the past. They are my favorite things ever. Volumes – write many volumes.

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