crap no. 39

I haven’t been able to drink anything peach flavoured since 1990 because one weekend I polished off an impressively large bottle of Dr. McGillicud­dy’s Peach Schnapps and… well, you know how that goes. Guys? I don’t think Dr. McGillicuddy was a legit doctor.

Niles the Cat had an eye infection (yes, most of my life is now dedicated to our geriatric cats), and when I was at the veterinary clinic someone asked if I’d named him after Niles Crane. And the answer was yes, of course, because Niles Crane is one of the best men ever invented.

When teaching teeny-tiny children, some dance teachers employ a strategy aimed at reducing story-telling in class. This is because little children will tell you EVERYTHING about their lives and their parent’s divorce and it makes it really hard to get anything done. So at the beginning of class, we often sit for a moment and exchange any big news that we might have, thus purging the child’s system of scandals and new-puppy tales. A colleague told me this strategy was working very well for her until a three-year-old put up her hand and said, “I had the chickenpox and I had them so much that I even had the chickenpoxes in my vagina. IN MY VAGINA!” And then all the other kids started talking about their vaginas and they had to stop doing story-time in class forever.

Last week my neighbour Joan sent me a few text messages from Las Vegas which involved updates about the heat, the Stanley Cup, and beer. That’s when I realized that Joan is my drunk dialer. Some people send inappropriate messages to their exes when drinking. Not Joan. She gets in touch with her friend from across the street. And thank goodness because she tends to send gems like this:

crap // movita beaucoup

Joan thought she was sending me a video of a band that was playing in downtown Halifax. Instead, she sent me this picture of feet.

Yesterday I witnessed a car accident. An older gentleman drove his car straight into oncoming traffic. He hit a woman’s car which spun 360 degrees before stopping on the sidewalk. When the woman driving the car got out — still alive — she yelled, “You drove through that stop sign! You had a stop sign! YOU DROVE RIGHT THROUGH A STOP SIGN!” The gentleman calmly lifted his index finger and said, “No. No, I stopped at the sign before I drove through it.” And all of us other humans just stood there collectively thinking: the stopping isn’t enough, dumbass, you gotta look for cars too. 

I finished up my teaching year last weekend, so naturally, I made my annual Completely Realistic and Achievable Summer Goal List which includes writing a book. When I mentioned this to my friend Christine she said, “A book? With chapters? All of the chapters? AN ENTIRE BOOK?” I feel like when you’ve known people for too long they are very realistic about how unlikely you are to actually do what you say you’re going to do.

At last weekend’s dance recitals a kid punched me in the nose (accidentally) (probably accidentally), and for a brief period of time, I thought it was broken. When I turned to one of my students and said, “My god, I think my nose is swelling,” she replied with, “Nope. It’s as big as it usually is.”

Quick question: what’s up with people who set the gear on their bicycles so they are pedalling really, really fast but are moving very, very slowly? Is this a cyclist thing or an idiot thing?

And finally, I’m completely obsessed with Tig Notaro. I wouldn’t love-murder her or anything, but I’d definitely move into her basement if she asked me to. If you’d like to listen to a story-time that involves no chickenpox in vaginas, give this a listen. I think you’ll enjoy it.

13 Comments

  1. Lady Tofu on June 7, 2018 at 1:24 pm

    Yaas!!!!! What is going on with the super quick pedaling? I made up an answer in my head that it has to do with physics and hills and spandex wrapped crotches to squelch the curiosity. But I have always been curious what the real answer is….
    Ps how do they get the stank out of their spandex after the Tour de France is another pressing question I have.

    • movita beaucoup on June 7, 2018 at 5:51 pm

      I think the stank stays.

      Maybe avoid Tour de Francers?

  2. Christine on June 7, 2018 at 3:45 pm

    1990???I recall the Dr arriving a tad earlier then that….. I want to say about 1986 because I remember some perms and mullets in the room.

    I have never heard of Tig Notaro, but you look incredibly alike. So you could potentially stalk her and no one would notice. They’d just think she was moving really, really fast.

    I have faith in the Summer Goal List!!!!!! And also, I’d like my birthday cake to have the swiss meringue God-inspired-chocolate-butter-cream whatever it is called.

    • movita beaucoup on June 7, 2018 at 5:52 pm

      PLEASE SHUT UP MY MOTHER READS THIS SO IF I SAY IT WAS 1990 IT WAS AND THERE’S NO WAY I WAS DRINKING BEFORE THAT.

      Also, you can have whatever cake you like if you keep yer trap shut.

  3. Ignorant Bystander on June 7, 2018 at 5:25 pm

    Dear Ms. Crap:

    Those cyclists are not pedaling too fast: you’re looking at them too slow.

    This was covered at length in my most recent newsletter which I conveniently left at your neighbour’s house (the lady seemed a little untrustworthy; I suspect she may not have hand-delivered it to you, no matter how loudly I explained the importance to her).

    She is THIS close to being added to The List.

    • movita beaucoup on June 7, 2018 at 5:55 pm

      Maybe she’ll text me the deets the next time she’s at a pub? I don’t think she wants to be on The List.

      Unless… is it a party list? I think she’d be game for that.

    • The neighbour on June 7, 2018 at 5:56 pm

      Wasn’t me!!

  4. Liz on June 7, 2018 at 6:05 pm

    Haha…I can’t eat anything banana flavored after being forced to take banana Dramamine before starting out on family vacations (AKA long, hot road trips across American without AC or seatbelts).

    • movita beaucoup on June 7, 2018 at 9:13 pm

      I seem to remember a number of banana flavoured medications in the 70s and 80s. Terrible, terrible idea. It may explain my aversion to anything banana scented…

  5. Karen on June 8, 2018 at 2:07 am

    You won’t believe me, but I’ve loved that Tig Notaro/Taylor Dayne story forever. =)

    • movita beaucoup on June 8, 2018 at 7:28 am

      Oh, I believe you. We TRUE Tig fans know all of her stuff.

  6. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land on June 26, 2018 at 1:34 pm

    Doctor mother frigging McGillicuddy PEACH played a disgusting role in me high school later years, too … oh my god that flavour brings back so many retching-related memories, haha!! I saw Tig perform last year in Vancouver and I was CRYING IN PAIN I was laughing so much. I love her. I first discovered her when I was going through chemo, and a friend messaged me about Tig’s performance – it was so moving yet so funny. Just yesterday I watched “Nanette” … a performance by Hannah Gadsby – have you seen it yet? … happy summer, Rachael! xo

    • movita beaucoup on July 3, 2018 at 7:02 am

      I watched Nanette this weekend. It was AMAZING. So bold.

      Happy summer, friend!

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