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crap no. 41

Halifax is caught up in a humidity vortex and MY GOD IT’S LIKE HAVING YOUR FACE STUCK IN AN ARMPIT 24/7. I’m sticky, wet, and my house smells like a medieval mortuary.

My parents, Bill and Rosie Beaucoup, have been married for about 95 years. When you’ve been a pair for that long your names become inextricably entwined. Which is why my adorable French niece Lucy thought they were each named BillRose when she was very little. She’d turn to my mother and ask, “BillRose? May I have a glass of juice?” Or look at my father and say, “Can we go outside now, BillRose?” Pair that with her most adorable French accent and you’ve got some top notch cuteness.

My brother has created an online tracker so we can record the results of family game nights. This is a great way to settle international arguments about who won or lost which game, and when. Unfortunately, it’s also a convenient way for people to see just how often I lose. (It’s about 98.5% of the time.)

losing // movita beaucoup

Guys? How come no one told me that CrimeCon exists? The website states:

If your idea of the perfect night involves alibis, motives, and a bottle of wine, then this is the event you’ve been waiting for.

Do you guys even care if I get to hang with Keith Morrison and Erin Moriarty? Do you? I’m not angry, I’m just… disappointed.

Now, my sister ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME and has been sending me murders to solve. When she hears about an interesting case — particularly the ones from Toronto or other major cities in Canada — she forwards the file so I can deduce who done it and why. I don’t want to sound braggy but I’m pretty good at predicting horrific details before they are released to the public. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why I haven’t been invited to speak at CrimeCon.

dorey // movita beaucoup

D O R E Y ▪️ G L O R Y

Speaking of murder, last week I had the pleasure of listening to my neighbours Dawn and Joan discussing what might happen should they find themselves incarcerated together. More specifically, the issues arising since Dawn announced that she won’t allow Joan to join her prison gang.

In their oft-debated scenario, Dawn and Joan are doing hard time after being jointly convicted of a crime. (No, I don’t know what crime. Yes, that makes me nervous.) Dawn has made it abundantly clear that Joan won’t be allowed — under any circumstances — to run with her in the pen. In fact, Dawn plans to be extra hard on Joan so the other prisoners won’t think they know one another. Like, she’ll throw food at Joan in the cafeteria and holler yo-momma insults at her. It seems that Joan has no street smarts and would be dead weight, so Dawn has planned accordingly. I won’t lie: I admire this sort of forward thinking. Also, should prisons ever become co-ed, I’d drop 2.0 like a hot potato.

inheritance // movita beaucoup

I really like this print in my parent’s dining room, so I labeled it just in case something happens to them and my sister tries to claim it first. It took my mother almost two weeks to notice the tag, so now I’m wondering how much other stuff I can claim before the labels start disappearing.

2.0 has a habit of forgetting me and/or running into me because he “didn’t see me there.” Once we were at the grocery store and I had to backtrack to the produce department for some broccoli. I asked 2.0 to grab the last items on our list and then meet me in the meat department. About two minutes later I arrived at the butcher’s counter and couldn’t find 2.0. I waited and waited. After a few minutes I started looking up and down the aisles. No 2.0. After another five minutes I made my way to the front of the store and found him in the checkout lane, paying for our groceries. I caught his eye and he looked really surprised to see me. So I mouthed WHAT THE HELL, HONEY and then he made a break for the parking lot.

He forgot me, guys. He forgot that I had been with him at the store.

So, no. I won’t be counting on him in prison.

14 Comments

  1. Eva on July 27, 2018 at 12:55 pm

    Priceless…and oh what I would do to have Keith Morrison lull me to sleep with that soothing voice recounting the murder of the week in detail

    • movita beaucoup on July 27, 2018 at 1:51 pm

      I literally fall asleep watching true crime every night. I guess murder is soothing.

  2. Krysten on July 27, 2018 at 1:42 pm

    Hopefully the reason for them going to prison has nothing to do with their neighbors suddenly going missing..

    • movita beaucoup on July 27, 2018 at 1:51 pm

      THIS IS MY FEAR.

  3. Stephbo on July 27, 2018 at 2:11 pm

    2.0 sounds like he can’t even be depended upon to commit the crime let shine be worthy of joining your prison gang.

    Helpful hint: put the labels on the back. Nobody will remove them if they don’t see them.

    • movita beaucoup on July 27, 2018 at 2:29 pm

      2.0 would be a horrendous criminal. I guess this should make me proud, but… it doesn’t.

      I don’t think you know how vicious my family is. Ain’t nobody got time to see if something has a label on the back. We’re a smash and go crowd!

      • Stephbo barnhartsteph@yahoo.com on July 28, 2018 at 12:32 am

        Damn. That’s straight up gangsta.

  4. Cherrill on July 27, 2018 at 3:38 pm

    I always thought my mom’s cousin’s last name was Benny, because everyone always called her Marg Benny. I thought it was weird that they used her first and last name every time. It’s not like there were THAT many Margs around. But no – Benny is her husband.

    • movita beaucoup on July 27, 2018 at 5:09 pm

      My grandfather was called Eisan. His wife, his children, his grandchildren, co-workers, friends. Everyone called him Eisan. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I was all: wait. That’s his last name.

      It would be like EVERYONE calling me Dyer. Just Dyer. Even my immediate family. WHAT THE HELL?

      • Susan on July 30, 2018 at 11:14 pm

        You know, in some accounts, I am credited with calling him Eisan when I was a toddler. Legend has it that I found it easier to say than grandpa. Which I always thought sounded fishy.

        • movita beaucoup on July 31, 2018 at 7:51 am

          WHAAAAAAAT?! This is the first I’ve heard of this! YOU’RE A LEGEND.

          • Susan on July 31, 2018 at 9:24 am

            Well I’m a modest person, don’t want to brag. And the story might not be true ….

  5. Ignorant Bystander on July 27, 2018 at 3:43 pm

    2.0 was role-playing (obviously).

    I feel badly for him that you didn’t pick up what he was puttin’ down and you both missed out on hot sexytimes after the pretend checkout-aisle-stranger-hookup.

    Maybe your inability to recognize obvious cues also explains the poor showing at game night.

    Yahtzee.

    • movita beaucoup on July 27, 2018 at 5:10 pm

      You should feel badly for him because WE DIDN’T GET TO EAT BROCCOLI THAT NIGHT.

      Bingo?

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