crap no. 43

Note: this edition of Crap has been generously sponsored by CAPS LOCK.

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

Bless me Internet, for I have sinned. It has been many weeks since my last blog post. I am sorry for sometimes re-watching episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine instead of writing. I firmly resolve to amend my life. Thanks be to Google.

Things have been very busy around here. Class planning, appointments, editing photos of dancers, and chores. Lots of chores. It’s like living on a farm but with only two animals and not a single piece of heavy machinery other than my Dyson vacuum. I’ve been finding it hard to find the time to write stories, but I have about 25 started. So I guess I’ve been finding it hard to FINISH stories.

ALSO: this week I signed up for NaNoWriMo. According to their website:

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to creative writing.

On November 1, participants begin working towards the goal of writing a 50,000-word novel by 11:59 PM on November 30.

So I’ll be spending November writing a 50,000 word novel piece of crap. And yes, that means it’s prolly gunna be quiet around here for the foreseeable future. But I’ve got lots in the works for you. I PROMISE.

crap // movita beaucoup

A couple of years ago I taught a dance history class. During a discussion of the Romantic Era, my student Chloe raised her hand and asked what ballet classes would have been like for me when Giselle premiered. Questions like: did we do barre work in class? Did the barres look like they do now or did we hang onto ropes? What did we wear to class?

At first I just stared at her, but when she didn’t react to my death glare I had to say: I JUST TOLD YOU GISELLE PREMIERED IN 1841.

Nothing. Chloe silently returned my stare. So I had to whispershout: HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

Later that year, during a discussion of Swan Lake, Chloe put up her hand and asked, “Do swans make good eats? More specifically: black swans. Can you eat black swans?”

That’s when I started pretending I couldn’t see Chloe’s hand when she raised it to ask questions.

pointe shoes // movita beaucoup

I had to get some dental work done this month — a crown on a back molar. Because of the shape of the tooth it had to be gold rather than… whatever crap they’re normally made of. I guess some people don’t like this sort of surprise because they want fancy white teeth. After the crown was placed perfectly in my mouth my dentist handed me a mirror and was all: you okay with that?

And I was all:

GOLD IS LEGIT, MOFOS.

That said, I hope no one tries to rip it out of my head. (I work in a tough neighbourhood.)

2.0 and I gave Bill Beaucoup a ladder toss set for his birthday in June. Now my parents are obsessed with the game and we have to play whenever we visit. It’s kinda like mandatory yard time in prison. On the plus side, the Beaucoups seem to really like it when I call the game by it’s proper name: testicle toss.

Speaking of the Beaucoups, a few days into their September visit with my sister in Toronto, she sent an email to say both Rosie and Bill had been washing their hair with dog shampoo. In my sister’s words:

To be clear, there are no fewer than FOUR human shampoo options in the shower.

My mother argued that there were TOO MANY options available and that a good host wouldn’t put dog shampoo in the shower. My sister argued that she thought our parents could read labels. My father argued that his hair had never been more manageable, so earthbath® natural pet care products are the real winner here.

On Monday I went for a little stroll along the line of businesses that my dance studio is nestled in. As I neared the far end of the complex I passed a woman on her phone shouting, “Well when IS he coming in to pay? Huh? No. NO. You know what, Sheila? I’m just gonna cancel his appointment because you are pure evil. PURE. EVIL.” I looked up at the sign over her head and realized it was a massage therapist speaking to a client. Now I kind of want to book an appointment to see what else goes on in there, you know?

As I walked back toward the studio I heard a mother cheerfully call to her kid, “You forgot your fucking backpack!” and then watched as she led her skipping four-year-old to dance class. Of course, it’s possible I misheard. That massage therapist really threw me.

crap // movita beaucoup

Pet peeve: when people say addition instead of audition. They are not the same thing at all and it makes me want to throw a toilet.

I have a new nighttime face lotion, and after three weeks of use I think I look about 10 years younger. No one has said anything about it, but 2.0 did shriek one night when I emerged from the bathroom because he claimed he didn’t recognize me. I LOOKED THAT YOUNG.

This morning I went to the grocery store to buy all the foods for the upcoming long weekend. (Thanksgiving. Canadians celebrate it in October.) As I rolled up the cookie aisle I saw an elderly gentleman carefully selecting a small box of cookies to put in his otherwise empty cart. I immediately began having a 2.0 Panic Attack — my chest tightened and I could feel tears springing to my eyes. How terrible would it be if 2.0 found himself alone after I’ve been struck down by disease or — and this is more likely — murder in the prime of my life? This is where my mind always goes when I see old people by themselves. I imagine poor 2.0, lonely and heartbroken in his rumpled clothes, searching for some sort of comfort in the form of a Mr. Maple cookie.

But then I snapped out of it and started future-ghost yelling at 2.0: WHERE ARE THE VEGETABLES, HONEY? You passed right by the produce aisle to get here! And where is your belt? Your pants are falling down. No. I don’t know where it is. Hanging on the bedroom door? That’s where you usually put it…

So now I’m thinking about writing a longterm care manual for 2.0 so I can sleep at night.

And finally, a favourite reporter update:

18 Comments

  1. Rick 6.4 on October 3, 2018 at 6:08 pm

    Really good write-up my child, take three Hell Mary’s for procrastinating, and you are forgiven🙏.
    Thank you for the shampoo recommendation, do I understand correctly that it does miracles for male pattern … ?
    Oh, and I’m so looking forward to your Long Term Care Manual! Sounds like the perfect resource for me. (seriously, I just finished a box of those maple cookies😏😋 !!).

    • movita beaucoup on October 4, 2018 at 10:04 am

      Bill Beaucoup has a full head of hair (not unlike a golden retriever), so I can’t speak to its efficacy in male pattern. But his coat was very glossy and tangle-free, so that’s something!

  2. Sally on October 3, 2018 at 6:42 pm

    You definitely saved it up for this one. My sides hurt.

    • movita beaucoup on October 3, 2018 at 7:54 pm

      Procrastination for the win!

  3. Paige on October 3, 2018 at 6:51 pm

    As always, many laugh out loud moments as I read your post. Thank you.
    And thank you for clearing up the Brett Ruskin Facial Dusfigurement Mystery. When I watched it live I was distracted by the – cat scratches? fell into a shrubbery? shaving incident? You’ve put my mind at ease. 😅

    • movita beaucoup on October 3, 2018 at 7:54 pm

      I think we all spend most of our days worrying about Brett. Like me, he seems to have a strained relationship with nature. Especially animals. As unofficial leader of his unofficial superfan group, I feel it is my job to keep everyone up to date on… everything. Also, I’m hoping he’ll bring me muffins one day.

  4. Krysten Stevens on October 3, 2018 at 6:52 pm

    OH MY GOODNESS! The exact same chocolate chip on my chin thing happened to me last week! 3 hours and 4 customers later after eating the muffin I went into the bathroom to realize there was in fact chocolate on my chin. And not just a little bit. Too much for somebody to not say anything 🙄😅

    • movita beaucoup on October 3, 2018 at 7:50 pm

      2.0 would happily allow me to walk around with goobers all over my face and then defend his choices with: what!? I didn’t notice! You always look beautiful to me.

      That’s why I’ll probably murder him one day.

  5. Teresa Swisher on October 3, 2018 at 6:55 pm

    Gawd….I love your crap! Seriously love it.

    • movita beaucoup on October 4, 2018 at 10:02 am

      Thanks, Teresa!

  6. Liz on October 3, 2018 at 7:32 pm

    This was just the reprieve from cleaning house that I needed. Dog shampoo?? Cussing parent? Blinding gold tooth? Oh, yeah….you put a smile on my face.

    • movita beaucoup on October 4, 2018 at 10:02 am

      Always happy to help others procrastinate. 😬

  7. Lady Tofu on October 3, 2018 at 7:33 pm

    Please write a novel about the massage therapist and the swearing mom!!!! I love your writings!!!!! Work was poopy, this was so good!

    • movita beaucoup on October 4, 2018 at 10:02 am

      I feel like that novel would be very short… 😂 Hope today is a better day!

  8. Nancy Wardle on October 3, 2018 at 9:11 pm

    You are soooo funny! I have to thank Lynne Knowlton for the introduction. So funny.

    • movita beaucoup on October 4, 2018 at 10:01 am

      Thanks, Nancy! And thanks to Lynne for finding some new tribe members!

  9. Christine on October 3, 2018 at 10:02 pm

    Love this post!
    I don’t wish to hurt the 50,000 word plan, but have you seen the Netflix’s series “Fargo”.? You will pee your pants. But don’t start watching it until 1st December.

    Dogs often have glossy coats….the parents’ are likely shiny and happy.

    • movita beaucoup on October 4, 2018 at 10:00 am

      I have Fargo in my to-view list on Netflix. But I will wait until December 1, I promise.

      Bill Beaucoup did send a photo of his glossy hair from Toronto. There’s no denying dog shampoo is a quality product.

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