Something got you down, duckie? Day three of competitive gingering might be just thing to help you forget all about blood farming, deforestation and the rise of our robot overlords. So take heart! Allow the bliss that is Ginger 2018 to swaddle you in its warmly spiced, slightly too-tight, definitely too-long embrace.
KRYSTEN & AMANDA’S MERRY CHRISTN TO ONE AND ALL
Oh hey, Movita. I figured after going through baking school with you and following your gingerbread contest since forever I would make an entry this year.
Guys, Krysten was one of my most favourite baking school buddies. Mostly because when people did stupid stuff I could roll my eyes at her and she’d roll hers right back. By the way, THIS is the sort of gingering we did at baking school. So… almost the same as this here entry.
My best friend and I started a tradition about 10 years ago, when we first started hanging out, which included hot chocklate, a Christmas movie and a gingerbread house kit. I don’t think we intended it to become a tradition, but here we are 10 years later with 3 kiddos joining us for the fun, still going strong! I think this is the first year that we have actually managed to keep it standing. We got a bit excited about it staying standing so we added Merry Christmas, which turned out Merry Christn… insert Christmas Tree. 😂
Krysten then sent a second email to say:
I mean, I hope everything is spelled correctly. 😅😅 I had spell check on the whole time. 😂
Please note: Krysten spelled chocolate wrong.
Krysten? Amanda? This humble abode is utterly charming. What sort of person would most like to live in a home like this? Millennials, of course! With housing prices on the rise and income levels on the drop, today’s savvy young adults know great value when they see it. This generation isn’t interested in massive executive homes; this is the generation at the forefront of the tiny house movement. Millennials don’t care if their roofs are decorated differently on each side. No! They make use of what is available in the moment. They like their homes to look like two different people were in charge of decorating and had two completely different ideas about the direction to go in! Millennials want well-equipped, tech savvy homes. They want affordability. They want video security systems that let them take one look at you and then pretend they aren’t home. They want hot chocklate and big trees in the yard whether they fit or not, dammit!
Merry Christn, Krysten and Amanda! Merry Christn, one and all!
LUCY’S REAL-DEAL OLD-SCHOOL APPROACH TO HOUSING
Lucy’s dad, my brother, helped her type up this description because she lives in France and sometimes writing stuff in English while also utilizing a tone that makes you sound like you are a Ginger fussbudget can be hard.
Notable to call out about this particular creation include: absolutely no use of a “kit” involved here. This is the real-deal old-school approach to housing.
Oh God. Here we go.
The Playmobile figures are intended for the purposes of demonstrating absolute perfection of scale – they are not decorations. Clearly the decoration stands on its own!
This house is fully intended to be eaten. Entry into the contest was a happy coincidence – so, not a purpose built contest winner – regardless of its obvious dominance.
Do you think Lucy’s friends roll their eyes at her father when his back is turned? Do you think she let her friends eat the roof of this gingerhouse to make up for her dad’s… well, just to make up for her dad?
This was fabricated in France without proper access to many of the ingredients that many take for granted. Baking powder – “what’s that?!?” the French person asks. Cream of tartar – blank stare. Molasses? That’s at the health food store for people with dietary problems. All of that aside – the gingerbread men that accompanied this baking endeavour have (all) already met their intended fate.
This is all true. My mother spends most of her vacation recaps telling us how hard it was to find stuff in France. I know, I know. She could just drink wine, but there’s no reasoning with her.
Yes, Lucy is my eleven-year-old niece. Yes, the Ginger Panel is made up almost entirely of her relatives. And sure this might bother you, but then I’d have to point out that this competition is ridiculous and kindly ask you to reevaluate the things you choose to get up in arms about.
This beautiful dwelling is very representative of the homes you will find throughout much of France. Houses there are meticulously crafted, most with candy laden roofs. The climate favours sugary landscaping and is the focal point of most properties. What’s that I spy through the window? Maman is home after her three hour work day! She is tired because the wind blew her beret off at lunchtime and she had to chase it for une long distance. Papa works from home and decorated the Christmas tree instead of finishing that report he was supposed to submit last week. “Dommage,” he shrugs, “I’ll do it demain!” The children are home from school and sit around Papa who is now playing his accordion. Maman and the children exchange opinions on the deficit, civil unrest, geopolitics, and cheese while preparing for their 11 pm dinner. The children enjoy large tumblers of wine with their bedtime story as their adorable poodles frolic in the parlour. Life is good. Cette maison? Impeccable!
Vive la France! Joyeux Noël, Lucy!
TOBY AND RON’S HOMES FOR MARY JANE
I mean it! Stop it already. Like I don’t have enough to do (you don’t really want to know, do you?) but here you are again with this ginger thing. Come on. And, you just copied and pasted from last year’s iteration. Did you at least manage to find some friends to help out, from among those that you weren’t successful in offending last time?
First off, Ginger isn’t for making friends. That’s why the tone of this competition can be characterized as: yelly. And second, why write a new set of rules every year? No one follows ’em anyway!
I really, truly had hoped we could slip by this year’s GingerOFF!, but no, SOMEONE let the word slip, and there we were, last minute bag of random bulk store candy in hand, hoping that the icing bags from last year were not too mouldy.
Pro tip: wash the bags. With soap.
Hans and Girt have their tiny houses, complete with window boxes so they can start their grow ops as soon as the sun starts to melt the snow. No more ‘Down to Seeds and Stems Again Blues’ for them. The fish in the Koi pond have outgrown their enclosure. I’m certain that they troll the neighbourhood for unwary cats, because Hans and Girt have not been on top of things since Legalisation.
For you non-Canadians, I’m happy to inform you that POT IS NOW LEGAL HERE IN CANADA. So this is our country now:
There’s no smoke billowing from the (strawberry-flavoured) chimneys, because Bulk Barn was all out of Vape au Fraise. Otherwise, for sure, there would have been a whiff of something in the foreground. Maybe the shameless product placement (Fairy Ballerina, courtesy of MovitaBeaucoup.com) will up our score. Can’t hurt, right?
Anyways, the ancient icing worked just fine, and Hans and Girt have their fine little abodes. Seems like Hans has a few friends who are dropping around, so his on-line business must be looking up. Maybe you should (ahem) expand your product line. Just sayin’.
Because our country has been selling so much pot, there was a fear that certain segments of the food manufacturing industry would face financial difficulties. Not the snack food industry, of course, but the industries related to the gingerarts. Mostly because gingering requires a great deal of focus and… well, you catch my drift. Thankfully, royal icing and molasses manufacturers have reported a sharp increase in sales this month. In Ron and Toby’s neighbourhood specifically. Reese’s pieces, sugar pearls, candy rocks – the shelves are nearly bare. Catastrophe averted!
It is my hope that this two-unit development that Hans and Girt have established will continue to grow into a full-scale
operation subdivision. Look at those perfectly decorated homes – who wouldn’t want to get in on that action? The addition of a Ron-and-Toby-made candy lake would be lovely, as lakefront homes will entice affluent buyers, raising the price point and re-sale value of all homes in the area. Though those wealthy people aren’t going to have a lot of patience for the goings-on at Hans and Girt’s place…
LYNNE’S MINIATURE CELESTIALLY SEASONED GINGERBREAD HOUSE
Well, I did it. Despite all the obstacles in my way, against the odds, I forged my way through. Rather like a Viking in battle. A Viking with a really bad cold, and a sore, runny nose.
VIKINGS DON’T COMPLAIN, LYNNE. THEY PILLAGE.
Behold the miniature Gingerbread House. Yes, it is sitting in a Celestial Seasonings tin. (Obtained free in a box of delicious tea. Saved for ages for a potential artsy crafty moment, along with drawers and a closet piled full with other artsy crafty supplies.)
I made the house with a salt dough recipe, since I have diabetes AND YOU DON’T WANT ME TO DIE, DO YOU? Because if I used sugar, I would have eaten it. I have no resistance. And you would have to live with the guilt.
Look, I work with children. I’ve lost the ability to feel guilt. Or shame.
We also have mice, (and no mice chasing cats) so I can’t have any food around to tempt them. AND MY GOD DO YOU THINK THEY’D EAT FLOUR and SALT????
Yes, yes I do. Because the mice where I used to work ate a paper maché sculpture. Like, a five-foot-in-circumference sculpture. Mice are the vikings of the animal world.
Sigh…anyway, my tiny ginger, cinnamon and clove salt dough (because I am HONEST) GINGERbread house is sitting in a bed of snow (scrapings from a bar of soap), in a Celestial Seasonings tin, surrounded by a forest, reindeer, stars that fell out of the sky…presents…and Santa’s sleigh is on the roof… AND and angel guards the back from orcs, trolls, and monsters that are magically powered to ruin Christmas. And from mucus from runny noses.
Lynne, I wondered if someone would jump on board with the tiny house movement this year, and you did not disappoint. Look at this teeny-tiny treasure! My goodness, it is adorable! The trees! The stars! The littlest gingerhouse of all time!
Actually, many tiny houses are about the size of a Celestial Seasonings tin. You have to throw out everything you own just to live in one. And it’s not until you’re living in a tiny home that you realize you can’t do a proper load of laundry because your washing machine is the size of a thimble. You can’t own an oven because you have to keep your clothes in a bin under the cooktop, and your dinner is usually take-out because your mini fridge and two burner stovetop make cooking proper meals tricky. Not that it matters — your fold-down dining table doubles as your sleep surface so you don’t have much of an appetite these days. Your portable house will need new tires soon because that cross-country trip to find this magical spot in the sugar forest took its toll. And, thanks to Ginger 2018, your compost toilet has backed up due to a massive glitter clog.
Still… cozy, right Lynne?
CYNDY’S EATING US OUT OF OUR GINGERBREAD HOUSE AND HOME!
Sunny Day Sweepin’
the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street
Come and play Everything’s A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That’s where we meet
Wait. Is this the theme song for Sesame Street? Did Cyndy send me the lyrics to the Sesame Street song with her entry? Like, the entire song?
*deletes the next 35 lines of Cyndy’s entry*
Wow – wait a minute…. where did that magic carpet ride really take me to? A place where they will eat me out of my Gingerbread House and home? What’s going on here?
I DON’T KNOW, CYNDY. I do know that your entry looks fantastic. I especially like the doors with their paw-print monograms.
Didn’t you look at the expiration date on that Gingerbread House? It had dust on it and probably a few cob webs to boot! Guess you’re just trying to be neighborly and help clean up the place, like we are at our home. But seeing that there are still some good parts, we might as well try and enter it in an on-line Gingerbread contest, so here we are on our way to Movita Beaucoup’s instead. I’d try to come up with some kind of song, but it was difficult coming up with some nice words to rhyme with Movita Beaucoup!
Poo. Coup. Fondu. Cuckoo. Haiku. Choux. Just sayin’…
Cyndy, those cookie monsters are incredible. They look so real! The details are astonishing. Look at them munching on the house! They look… almost too good to be true. Hold on, hold on. Did you photoshop those in?
I know what you’re all thinking: most competitors have made their entries from scratch, slaving for hours over each and every detail, spending almost as much money on construction materials as they did on their last mortgage payment. You don’t just pull a dusty gingerhouse from 1873 from a closet, dust it off and photoshop some monsters in! Do you? No! Because a true Gingerer spends three months stressed out, yelling at anyone and everyone who dares enter the kitchen. A true Gingerer breaks down over the chimney that took ten attempts to shape and bake — the one that shattered into a million pieces when it fell off the counter. That is the proper way to Ginger. Isn’t it? I mean, Gingering is VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS? Right? Actually, Cyndy, you may be on to something…
Want to spend more time with one of my favourite Ginger pals? Visit her at Make Mine Sweet!
Polls now closed! Results:
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Polls close at about 12 pm AST, Thursday December 20, 2018