ginger 2018: group 4

It’s a terrifying world out there, puddin’. Global warming, racism, the rise of anti-intellectualism, crocs. I’d say we need this final day of competitive gingering more than ever. So gather ’round! Allow the magic that is Ginger 2018 to bundle you in one last candy-coated bear hug. 

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KATE & TYE’S SHIP OF DISASTERS

Kate writes:

Attached are the 2 photos of our ginger entry. We call it Tye and Kate’s Ship of Disasters. It is a pirate ship (in case you couldn’t tell) complete with woodgrain gingerbread, ginger mast and sails, pretzel decks and an authentic gridded trap door.

I, for one, am thrilled that Kate and Tye went with an authentic gridded trap door. It’s always so disappointing when you see a ginger pirate ship and then realize the gridded trap door is just a cheap knock-off from alibaba.com. 

The ship used to be a Christmas yacht but was only commandeered by ginger pirates recently so they haven’t quite removed all the Christmas deco yet or raised the pirate flag. But they have added a cannon, a plank and a significant amount of treasure including some giant pieces of Canadian currency, or large gongs, depending on how you look at it. One pirate had too much rum and pushed his fellow pirate overboard into shark infested waters, but sharks really aren’t all that mean in most cases so I’m sure he’ll live. 

Uh, guys? I don’t think you know how sharks work. 

The ship is a little worse for wear having been constructed by two very tired and overworked shipbuilders late at night. They were sinking fast so the pirates tossed a treasure chest and a bottle of rum into the sea in payment for whatever help the sea gods would send them. Luckily it worked and some menacing burnt fish with a taste for rum and gold came to hold up the ship.

See the burnt fish? See them there at the bow and… not bow of the ship? Adorable! Kate and Tye live right here in Halifax with me. Haligonians have a long history with the sea. AND PIRATES. Let’s get GINGERCATIONAL! 

According to Wikipedia: Edward Jordan (1771–1809) was an Irish rebel, fisherman and pirate in Nova Scotia. Born in County Carlow, Ireland, he took part in the Irish rebellions of 1797-98 but was pardoned and attempted to start a new life as a fisherman in Nova Scotia.

I think if Edward were alive today, he’d like to own this ship. In fact, I’m confident that he’d kill for it. I mean, look at it! Candy portholes, liquorice weapons, chocolate coins! The ocean is sublime. It’s just the sort of open water that a Michael’s Crafting Cruise would like to take advantage of – their passengers would go nuts for the glitter and sugar pearls.

But back to Edward. In an attempt to avoid paying some debt he had accumulated, Edward maaaaaay have slaughtered the crew of a ship and yada-yada-yada he was convicted of piracy and executed. And because we take crime fairly seriously around here, his body was covered in tar and strung up along Black Rock Beach.

“For those citizens of Halifax who walked through Point Pleasant Park, the sight of Jordan’s corpse would have been an unavoidable one, as it was located just beside the main road. It remained there for over three decades, slowly deteriorating, dropping into the sea, until only the skull remained.”  ~ source

Three decades, people. I’m sure Edward would have preferred a swim in the sea with those friendly sharks. 

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STEPHANIE, MEGAN & ERIN’S GINGERBITCHIN’ ASPENGLOW

Stephanie writes: 

After 4 bottles of wine, coffee and Irish Cream, the Gingerbitches are back with our piece, titled “Aspenglow” (John Denver 1970).  

Fun fact, we originally carved a ski silhouette into the back of the house to make a gag about a skiing accident, but couldn’t make the joke fly (no pun intended), so we covered the body with the chimney. (Doesn’t everybody build their chimney to hide a body?)

I know I did. I learned a long time ago that if you bury a body in the yard someone’s dog inevitably digs it up and it becomes a whole thing. YES PORTIA I KNOW THE HOMEOWNERS’ ASSOCIATION FROWNS ON THESE SORTS OF THINGS JESUS TAKE A PILL ALREADY.

100% edible. My fav is the “lace” curtains hiding in the windows, though they’re hard to see in the pic. 

(Email composed by Stephanie, who had to fight all of her Communi-keys typing training and NOT put 2 spaces after the periods. You’re worth it.)

Some of you might not know how I feel about the whole two spaces after a period thing. This stems from HOURS OF WORK editing Ginger entries since 2010. Editing the INCORRECT USE of two spaces after periods in the blurbs competitors send with their entries. So thank you, Stephanie. Thank you.

Most years as Ginger wraps up, I’m ready for a vacation. I’d love to head to Aspen and stay in a sugary cottage like this one. Look at the adorable shingles, sweet little fence, and perfectly manicured property! I’d meet my part-time lover, Barnabus Merriweather III, there on the bridge. I’d run up the candy pathway and he’d catch me in his arms, twirling me around until I tell him to stop because it makes me feel like getting sick in my pants after the long flight. We’d be a big part of the après-ski scene and take advantage of the world-class pampering available at the spas. We’d watch people skiing from our royal icing balcony because Barnabus injured his purlicue and I don’t like wearing snowpants. Barnabus would reminisce about his days as a record producer in the 80s as I stuff my face with swanky meats and cheeses. And I’d forget all about people who use double spaces after periods until next December…

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THE MORRIS/DEITZ HOUSE OF LEFTOVERS 

Esther writes:

After competing in gingerbread contest, my daughter and I had plenty of leftovers, so we decided to see what we could build with our leftovers in a day without going to the store. Other than baking some fresh gingerbread walls, everything was leftover and we put it together in about a day. Contributions were: Meghan Morris (gingerbread walls and modeling chocolate window trim), Erin Morris (modeling chocolate siding), Esther Morris (gingerbread side stairs and balcony with chocolate railings, icing “snow” and door mat), Robert Deitz (painted fondant windows), and Shannon Morris (fondant snowman). Please note the oversized man in the front window bears an uncanny resemblance to Bill Nye and ignore the obvious fire hazard of cooking with a giant pot in the front window.

This is an anti-food-waste masterpiece! I would wait eight days in a bakery lineup just so I could eat this house. (I’d start with the snowman.) Look at that billowy snow, the adorable shingles, the charming railings and trim! It looks like it came straight from the pages of a children’s book.

As for Bill Nye, he probably thinks kitchens are a gigantic ripoff — despite the handy things they contain like ovens and fridges. Cooking over a Bunsen burner in the front window of your house? That’s the way to go! And let’s face it, Bill probably spends a lot of time peeking out of his windows — his life has been threatened in the past.

Did you know that Bill was kinda (but not legally) married in 2006? Apparently after things went awry, Bill saw someone dressed like a ninja in the backyard and figured he was about to meet his not-so-sweet end. Turns out it was his ex and she was on a mission: “‘I became very angry, and could only think of destroying the rose garden, so he couldn’t give another woman the roses which I had cared for.’ She added, ‘I meant to hurt his flowers only, not him.'” ~ source 

As a result, our favourite science guy took out a six-year injunction against his (probably) deranged ex. Poor Bill. Poor, sweet, brainy Bill. At least he has this sweet palace to live in. Wait. Is Bill holding a bottle of wine in the front window? Does he have two glasses? Has Ginger 2018 brought a new love into his life?

I TOLD YOU GINGER WAS THE MOST POWERFUL FORCE ON THE PLANET.

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HOLLY & UNNAMED DAUGHTER’S KITCHEN CAMELOT CAMOUFLAGE

Holly writes:

This is the first gingerbread house my daughter and I created together. It took us about a week, 7 batches of dough, 5 batches of icing and ended with a 3rd degree burn, but at least she’s standing! 

There are a few things that immediately stand out about this entry. The incredible gingerbread house is the most obvious, of course. But let’s set that aside for a moment because I’d like to discuss the kitchen. The dirty frying pan on the stove is probably the most delightful thing I’ve seen in Ginger 2018 — it makes me feel like Holly is a real human. A real human that built a massive gingerbread house simply to camouflage her kitchen. Or at least last night’s dinner. And sure, that real human sacrificed her unnamed daughter’s epidermis to the Ginger gods, but that’s the price you pay for Ginger glory.

This massive gingerhome looks like something out of one of those historical shows that 2.0 watches in the basement. Like Vikings or Game of Thrones — shows I’ve never seen, but can hear from my cozy spot on the couch upstairs. Horses whinnying, things being rammed into eyes, people having the sex, disembowelment and decapitation noises. Delightful! Set designers would go bonkers for this ginger monument. Look at the piping, the architectural details, the carefully considered use of candy pathways and roofing supplies. The balconies on the top floor would be perfect for pushing people over, and that staircase without a railing is an accident just waiting to happen. Oh no! Your favourite character, Emmit Carpathia, just stepped out of that top floor door and plummeted to his death!

Actually, maybe this why we have building codes.

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MICHELLE’S GNOME FOR CHRISTMAS

Michelle writes:

Lots of silly stuff with this house – first – the name: Gnome for Christmas…
I started out wanting a dainty fairy house, but had a hard enough time making the damned gnomes! These guys are about the 5th generation that finally made it to the final cut. 

Those are some damn fine gnomes. Gnomes are vegetarian so they’d probably love living on this property. The flora and greenry in the yard would be lovely to snack on. Maybe that’s why they built the fire in the yard? To make a stew with mushrooms, sugar flowers, juniper berries and gin? Gnomes really like gin. Unfortunately, the front door is very short so if one has consumed a little too much of the ol’ weekend water [wink!] getting back into the house without concussing oneself might be a bit tricky.

This is CLASSIC gingering. This is the sort of gingerhouse that every kid dreams of. Dreams of eating, that is. Copious quantities of royal icing? Check. Lick-able candy embellishments everywhere? Check. Salty pretzel logs for balance? Check.

I love the forest that I designed on the back of the house and considered building a lifesize fondant forest for my holiday living room!

Listen, Michelle, when you’re done at your place, please make me a life-size fondant forest too. Our basement looks like a fraternity moved in, threw a second-rate party, and then left without cleaning up. A fondant forest along the back wall would definitely brighten the place up. It might even distract from the boxes I haven’t unpacked since we moved here. In 2009.

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Polls now closed! Results:

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Polls close at about 12 pm AST, Friday, December 21, 2018.