ginger 2019: group 3

Are these trying times getting you down? A third grouping of competitive gingering might be just thing to help you forget all about colonics, Empire scandals, fart deniers, and the rise of our robot overlords. Allow the joy that is Ginger 2019 to bundle you in its warmly spiced, slightly too-tight, definitely too-long embrace. 

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SARAH’S HOT AIR BALLOONS

Sarah writes:

Hot air balloon rides with santa. The 3 balloons are ready to soar up up and away! Santa in one balloon, a basket full of gifts in another, and a third, just for you! The baskets are made with rice paper, gingerbread flour, royal icing and gelatin. The baskets are gingerbread and Santa is pastillage, with a cloak made of edible fabric. The “ropes” around the balloons are made from ramen noodles. 

Sarah, there is no freakin’ way I’m getting into that hot air balloon. First off, this operation seems a little soft on safety. Who’s flying the basket of gifts? And who’s going to help me fly MY goddamned hot air balloon? Why has Santa fired the reindeer and is there any chance they are going to shoot us down in some sort of revenge-inspired rampage? And what’s to stop us from floating right up into space? These balloons are constructed with RICE PAPER! That can’t be very heavy!

Now, dear reader, I want you think about your own gingerskills. Can you imagine making a hot air balloon (or three) out of baked goods? Back up. Can you imagine baking anything? (I know my base.) Just look at the little baskets! And the delicate ropes holding them in place! Have you ever touched a dry ramen noodle? How one can make ropes from them is beyond me. And Santa. Sweet, slightly haunting, definitely not concerned with flight safety Santa. You are my favourite.

Sarah, this is one of those how-did-you-do-that entries that makes everyone jealous and envious of you which, let’s face it, is what the holidays are really about.

(You can keep up with Sarah on Facebook by clicking here!)

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CHLOE’S CONSERVATORY

Chloe writes:

Hi! Here is my gingerbread version of the Maritime Conservatory of Performing Arts! Fun fact: I spent most of my life in this building 😉 it’s got everything, right down to the stained glass window! Also in case you forgot my name is Chloe!

How could I forget you, Chloe? You’ve made me laugh many, many, many times. I, too, spent many years in this building and cannot believe that you have managed to capture its essence in gingerbread. Look at the windows! Oh, that delightful stained glass window! The snowy roof that hasn’t blown off in a storm! The peaks, the brickwork, the charming front doors! It is just so lovely to see the Conservatory as it is in my heart: edible.

If you live in Halifax you know that the Conservatory has been going through some… stuff. And that stuff is: GHOSTS. Most folk around here agree that this infestation can be traced back to 1917 when the building’s basement was used as a morgue during the Halifax Explosion.

Some Conservatory ghosts are very nice. These are the ghosts that slip into studios and delight in the music and dance that fill the senses. These are the ghosts that close doors before toddlers can run out to the busy parking lot, that cheer when a dancer gets her first triple pirouette, that squeal when they see a teeny-tiny violin in the hands of a pint-sized human.

Some Conservatory ghosts are jerks. These are the ghosts of selfish men, the souls of the self-important. Scrooges, if you will. They’ve been a big problem in recent years. These are the nincompoops that will play single notes on pianos in dark corners, slam windows shut during concerts, make the elevator break down during a senior’s event. These are the ghosts that everyone wishes would just go away.

And then there are the very best of the ghosts. These are still-living souls like Chloe. They hold the Conservatory in their sticky embrace even after they grow up and go on to live adult lives. They construct Ginger tributes. They visit old teachers. They will – I hope – shove me into a nursing home when I’m too old to put on pants by myself. (I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN CHLOE HELP A LADY OUT.) These are my most favourite ghosts.

Of course, the Conservatory mice could eat that gingerbread replica in ten minutes flat. Just sayin’.

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BEVERLY’S THE WATCHER

Beverly writes:

The Watcher is made from approximately 80 cookies, gingerclay, Ginger rice krispies. His birds and bugs are made with ginger clay and marshmallows and fondant. His eyes are made of isomalt (man is that stuff hot I have scars to prove it). He weighs about 40 lbs. My favorite part to make was the fly on his corn cob pipe. He took about two months to complete.

Beverly is one of those competitors who returns year after year and talks about her ginger creations like they are no big deal. “What, this old thing? Oh, this is just a 40 lb. feat of gingering I whipped up over a few months.”

DEAR GOD, WOMAN!

I must say, Beverly, the fly is one of my favourite things about your entry too. But there are so many details to love! The corn pipe is equally charming, and the halo of leaves at the top of the tree would make any hairstylist green with envy. The tree bark and vines! The adorable creatures peeking out from every corner! The haunting expressions of both the tree and owl that were enough to make me lose several hours of sleep this week. The bird sitting on top of the tree! The rocks! THE ROCKS! They look so real!

*whispers* The owl is still staring at me, isn’t he?

*slowly backs out of room*

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BARB & FAMILY’S AMERICAN GINJA WARRIOR

Barb writes:

My entry was inspired by one of our favorite sports entertainment shows, American Ninja Warrior.

“Welcome! I’m your host G, accompanied by camera-gal B, and we’re excited to bring you preliminary warm-ups at the 2019 holiday obstacle course! At the start, California B is sprinting across the Santa Steps, while daddy M is careening through Candy Cane Crossing, cheered by his wife L and new daughter. OH NO! Gingy has suffered a tragic fall on the Cinnamon Ladder and the fans are shocked! Meanwhile, our pretty-in-pink ginja-gal is tackling The North Pole and warrior N is wrapping it up on The Wrapped Wall. Early results predict Bear will be victorious, as he celebrates from the top of Mt. Merry Christmas! It’s going to be an exciting competition, so don’t miss the finale of – AMERICAN. GINJA. WARRIOR!” (cut to holiday commercial …)

2.0 and I don’t generally watch American Ninja Warrior because we don’t like watching fit people do fit stuff while we eat Doritos on the couch. We’re bigger fans of shows like Wipeout because… well, because of THIS. American Ninja Warrior could definitely use a Smack Wall or two.

Now, a show we could REALLY get on board with is American Ginja Warrior! First off, you could EAT the course. I can’t do even 20 minutes of exercise without a snack. Second, LOOK AT IT. It’s a candy-studded masterpiece! So many teeny-tiny details! The perfectly piped lettering, the expressions on the competitors faces! Any competitor would be lucky to fall into that sticky sweet water – I’d just float there and drink it until I got the sugar-shakes.

This is the sort of gingering that children dream of. A feast for the eyes and the breadbasket! (Tummy. That means tummy.)

(You can keep up with Barb & Family’s ginger activities via their Pinterest scrapbook by clicking here!)

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CHERYL B’S CHEVY CLASSIC

Cheryl writes:

A vintage Christmas. This 1950s Chevy inspired classic red pick up with a fresh cut tree!

Every year, people. Every year someone submits a professionally crafted gingerwhatever with the most minimal message ever. Like: here ya go, no biggie. This bad boy requires only 16 words of introduction.

Look at that truck! I can’t even imagine shaping the pieces let alone covering everything with flawless sugary detailing! The tiny license plate! The monogramming on the door! The wheels, the grill, the headlights! Uh, did you notice the dog’s expression? IT HAS AN EXPRESSION PEOPLE.

So, in cases like this – cases of the low-key submission – I like to imagine a bunch of stuff about the creator. Who is Cheryl? Who is this ginger genius? Who is this woman who felt absolutely no need to brag about her incredible entry?

Well, she probably has a crapload of money. Antique car shows on the weekend money. Exclusive poker game money. We’re talking CHEESE CLUB money. Cheryl probably hosts fabulous Christmas parties in her stately home every year. Her posh neighbours really appreciate the finer things in life – like perfectly crafted ginger trucks – so she makes an incredible ginger display every year for her guests. I mean, look at that thing! What neighbour wouldn’t want to admire that sort of ginger perfection? Good neighbours like Cheryl even make dogs that look exactly like the one that lives across the street! (Pete. He poops on her lawn, but Cheryl just laughs it off.)

By the way, I assume Cheryl has a drawer full of kitchen utensils designed specifically for only one purpose – an avocado slicer, pizza scissors, and a panini spatula. CHEESE CLUB MONEY.

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