ginger 2019: group 4

Feel like you’re living in a black hole? It’s scary biscuits out there! Global warming, Black Friday sales, the rise of anti-intellectualism, celery juice. I’d say we need this final grouping of competitive gingering more than ever. Gather ’round! Allow the magic that is Ginger 2019 to bundle you in one last candy-coated bear hug. 

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LAN’S GINGER HAIKU

Lan writes:

deep in the heart of
a succulent jungle, a
cookie dwelling hides.

what yonder sight is
this that tempts my appetite? 
a Gingerbread House!

Fee Fi Fo Fum - i
smell the scent of an edi-
ble candy abode.

no verdant forest
can shield or protect this home
from a hangry foe.

The internet describes a haiku as: A Japanese verse form most often composed, in English versions, of three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. A haiku often features an image, or a pair of images, meant to depict the essence of a specific moment in time.

So, yes, Lan is a nerd. But Lan is also providing a place we can turn to when the pain and horrors of this world become too much. The toasted architectural features, the subtle candy detailing, the isolated location. Do I imagine this perfect little abode has a beehive out back? That its tiny elf inhabitants are working to singlehandedly save the future of bees and in turn, humankind itself? Yes. Yes, I do. Do I believe the diminutive residents eat sustainably, conserve water, and protest the use of single-use plastics? Naturally. This tiny cabin could most definitely shelter us from a burning planet and the decline of Western Civilization. For these tiny homeowners aspire for more. We should all aspire for more!

That said, I would absolutely eat that house in one sitting with no remorse. I am one hangry mo-foe.

I leave you with these Ginger words of widsom, a ginspirational message if you will:

Any asshole can build a gingerbread house, but not just any asshole can write a HAIKU about that gingerbread house.

(You can follow Lan on Instagram here! Her feed is divine.)

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JOEY’S GINGERBREAD FORTRESS

Joey writes:

Just kidding.

Sarah writes:

Joey’s entry…. (And yes he is STILL using Sarah’s email lol) This gingerbread fortress sits at the entry to ginger world to protect all of gingerkind. The fortress has its main building, surrounded by 4 towers to face off enemies from every angle. The ingredient list is short. It’s nothing more than gingerbread and royal icing with just a little food coloring added. 

Every year I pray that Joey will enter Ginger and that Joey will not submit his own entry and instead get Sarah to do it. It is one of my greatest holiday joys. And once again I am not disappointed.

This is one majestic entry, Joey Sarah Joey. One using the most classic form of gingering with the most traditional of ingredients. Look at the brick work! And the holiday decorations hanging below the windows! Imposing, noble, very, very tall. Too tall to fit in the photos!

What could be better than weaponized gingerbread? PEW PEW PEW! Watch out! Some dude is trying to shoot hot caramel right in your eye! Be careful crossing that ginger minefield because soldiers are using their candy firearms to shoot pellets of rock-hard royal icing into your soft, holiday belly! The moat is chock-full of shards of peppermint bark and once you make it through that you’ll face the dreaded candy bazooka.

“You’ll take this fortress from me over my cold, dead body!” a soldier cries from her perch on the keep.

“Sarah,” you wail after being hit with isomalt shrapnel. “Sarah, please,” you whisper more quietly, gasping for breath.

“Yes?” Sarah asks as she reaches for your hand.

“Email my family to tell them I love them. I asked Joey to do it bu–”

*sputters blood*

*end scene*

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STEPHANIE R’S SANTA’S SUGAR SHACK

Stephanie writes:

Gonna try this again. I sent pics with nothing else. My bad. It’s the ginger stress.

I swear to God, Stephanie, I SWEAR TO GOD.

I skipped last year and I missed all the excitement. Big regret! This year I am sending my latest gingerbread creation I like to call Santa’s Sugar Shack. The shack is bigger than most of the shacks I’ve ever seen but, let’s not split hairs.

Fondant elves are busy (actually they all appear to be slackers goofing off in the snow and such) getting that candy ready for all the little kiddies. There is a well of gumdrops and a grist mill of bubblegum. 

If you, like me, are wondering what a grist mill is, allow me to get gingercational: a grist mill grinds grain into flour and middlings. The term can refer to the grinding mechanism and/or the building that holds it.

In other words, grist mills aren’t generally very interesting but bubblegum could definitely take grist mills to the next level. Imagine a mill that grinds candy! It would make it so much easier to get into your gut – no chewing required! Heck, you could just snort it.

I think I’d like a job there. I would prefer an indoor assignment maybe pulling taffy or taste testing. It looks too cold outside with all that snow. In fact, my husband said the snow angel elf looked like he was dead.

Ah, the loving support that only a husband can provide. “Hey, did you mean for your hair to come out that way or do you still need to wash it?”

Though actually… that elf does look a tad deceased. Do you think he got iced? Get it? Because when someone gets murdered you might say they were iced? And he’s, like, dead in the snow? GET IT, STEPHANIE?

This is the sort of gingering that I can really appreciate. The colours, the piping, the generous use of sweets. Let’s face it, all of those tiny details would be a MAJOR pain in the ass to make. This sugar shack is LADEN with sweets. This is the sort of gluttonous gingering that could make a kid puke all over your pillow in the middle of the night. A 4.7 million calorie delicacy! In fact… isn’t that an elbow in the second photo? I’m gunna bet the hand attached to that elbow ate the grist mill and two elves right after that shot was taken. Please confirm, Stephanie.

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RON & TOBY’S CASA DE LA MAISON HAUS

Ron writes:

Attached the most recent effort from chez Dewar (also known as casa de la maison haus). I hope that this finds you well. I trust, also that you are fully caffeinated and that it is too early for the cooking sherry, so you can see the artistry expressed here by your devoted followers and ever-appreciative fans of gingering. 

I am ALWAYS fully caffeinated and it is never – NEVER – too early for cooking sherry.

Should I point out the highlights? Our village of eco-friendly houses sits atop a repurposed styrofoam base. Totally edible, as long as you have no regard for the workings of your innards. 

You know very well that I do not, sir.

Held together with gorilla glue, which is not really edible by vegans anyways (isn’t it made from gorillas, or something?) 

The endangered Tonkin snub-nosed monkey, actually.

Note the GreenRoof (patent applied for) on the left. Already a tree has sprouted thereon, and more greenery is expected, come the Spring rains (as long as the fondant base holds out). The jelly bean walks will likely get a bit slushy in the Spring, too, but for now they are very passible, if a little lumpy to walk on. The denizens of this ideal village are waiting for Bell to come and reconnect their fibre-op cables, since they were damaged in the last ice storm. The candy cane streetlight / internet poles are a little wonky, having been uprooted from the sytro base, also in the last storm. Hurricane Dorian has a lot to answer for, even in the ginger world. The stained glass windows (visible on the ‘gable cottage’ festooned with lights around the eaves) are made from melted gummies. We won’t try that one again, or at the very least, the microwave won’t be part of the glazing process. Once you’ve seen gummies boiling over in the microwave, you will understand why.

This village is a delight! The candy! So much candy! This is exactly what the people want! A ginger display that you can pillage every time you walk by the table. A candy cane here, a jellybean there, a downed power line just because.

Ron, Toby? You know who might really enjoy living in this village? HIPSTERS. Hipsters don’t require perfection – they’re happy to roll up their sleeves and gentrify any neighbourhood. Even one that has been half-destroyed by a hurricane! Hipsters won’t need internet and cable hookups – they can just use their overpriced smartphones and data plans. Why a group of noble hipsters in their non-mainstream fashion could roll right into this village bringing with them obscure music, a new Whole Foods, 14 microbreweries, and a Starbucks. And sure, your new neighbours – a barista and a part time dj – will leave vaguely pornographic “art” books on their coffee table for your kids to find, but Nova Scotia Power has made your village a Priority 1 District for future emergencies. Because no self-respecting power crew would ever let all that craft beer to go to waste.

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STEPHANIE T’S PARSIMONIOUS CASTLE

Stephanie writes:

In years past, I’ve always hit the bulk barn and (heaven forbid) even the pricey Freak Lunchbox for the candy prettifications for my ginger productions… The price of which can really pile up! This year I tackled the project like a puritan. Dough, frosting and homemade coloured sugar make for a penny-pinching palace fit for a pauper.

Parsimonious [ˌpärsəˈmōnēəs ]  (is that supposed to help you pronounce it?)
ADJECTIVE: unwilling to spend money or use resources; stingy or frugal.

I hear ya, sister. I don’t want to sound like a cheapskate, but sweet fancy molasses! Baking is an expensive endeavour. Baking a few holiday treats for your family these days can easily set you back $734, and an entry for the competitive ginger circuit will probably set you back about as much as a BMW would. “Sure, I can’t afford my prescription drugs,” you’ll say, “but this gingerbread house was totally worth it!”

Thankfully, Stephanie knows better than to get involved with loan sharks for the sake of gingering. This is the sort of gingerbread castle that your grandma would actually recognize as gingerbread. The pastel colour scheme is rocking my world, and the notion that I can identify AND eat all of its elements is very refreshing. The snowy turrets are enchanting! This low-cost, budget-friendly, half-priced, tight-wad entry is just the sort of thing those of you living your lives under the weight of crippling debt might need to see. SNAP OUT OF IT, PEOPLE! Jump on the parsimonious bandwagon!

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