crap no. 57

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

I know what you’re thinking: what the hell, movita? Where have you been?

I had some big plans for this pandemic. I figured I should make the most of my unemployment and divided my house into 15 small zones (rooms, hallways, staircases, entryways) for deep cleaning, purging, organizing, and trim painting. I got eleven zones done. It was time consuming, but I felt good. Real good.

And then my body double-crossed me.

Remember when I told you I was anaemic? Well, it turns out there was a reason for it and that reason became very apparent in the 24 hours before I had to go to the emergency room. I’m fine, and I’m going to spare you the sanguinary details, but let’s just say SHIT GOT REAL.

I’d just like to give a shout out to my uterus for waiting until a global pandemic to betray me in the most graphic of ways.

That was 2.5 weeks ago. They ran tests, did imaging, gave me a diagnosis (not life-threatening, Ethel, don’t start a GoFundMe page), and put me on some medication to keep things under control. They told me that it was very good that I had come to the ER because I had lost a lot of… life-sustaining essence.

2.0 handled the whole thing like a champ, waiting for hours in the hospital parking lot because he wasn’t allowed to accompany me during the pandemic shutdown. When I asked if his workmates were okay without him that day, he said, “Of course. Don’t worry a bit.”

When I asked if he told his workmates why I was at the hospital he said, “I told them you fell down the stairs. It just seemed easier.”

A few days ago I had more blood work done. An hour and a half later my doctor’s office called and told me to go the hospital immediately. Within 15 minutes of arriving at the hospital, I’d had an electrocardiogram and blood work done. A few hours later I was receiving a blood transfusion. And a few hours after that I was at the pharmacy picking up a new medicine that will cost $1200 to keep my insides inside of me. #worthit #probably #luxuryuterus

So, there are some problems with my lady parts and I may require surgery. And there are a number of amazing health care workers in this city who have now seen me at my most vulnerable and corpse-like. Not one even batted an eye as I stood holding my crotch in the middle of their nursing station asking about soaker pads.

Why am I telling you all of this? Filling your heads with nightmares? Two reasons:

  1. I told you about that time I almost pooped my pants, so it only seemed right to keep that over-sharing going.
  2. Some of you have been sending me messages to ask if I am alive. (I am.) I’ve been a little preoccupied with staying alive Netflix so please consider this post my answer to all inquiries.

As I waited for my blood transfusion (it takes a while to find blood equal in value to mine), I got really hungry. I had a granola bar in my bag so I wandered out to the nurse’s station and asked if it was okay to eat it. The nurses checked my chart and then called a doctor over.

Doctor: What’s that you need?

movita: I was just wondering if I can eat this granola bar before my blood transfusion? Like, is there any chance the oats will clog the tubes?

Doctor: Oats?

movita: Yah. It has oats and apples in it.

Doctor: Oh, the equine diet! I didn’t hear you.

movita: I guess I was a little… hoarse.

Nurse: Alright, you two. I think what the doctor is saying is that you can go eat your snack.

Doctor: Get off your high ho–

Nurse: NO.

When I was receiving the gift of blood/life I told a nurse just how grateful I was that someone had donated their ketchup for me. I told her that I would, without a doubt, return the favour in the future. She looked at me, touched my hand and said, “That’s lovely. But no one is gunna want any part of you for quite some time.”

And we laaaaaaauuuuughed.

So that’s my update for now. I really am fine and now that I’ve received the gift of hemoglobin I’m up and about and feeling like a real, live human again. I have lots of other news to tell you when I’m feeling a little less lazy. For example, 2.0 is now best friends with a crow. And some recent searches for adult diapers has significantly changed the targeted advertising I’m seeing on Facebook. (I’m not complaining.)

By the way, if you are able to donate blood, please do. The people who get it really appreciate it.


  1. Cheri on June 1, 2020 at 6:35 pm

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m donating July 2nd. I’ll ask them to set some of it aside for you (shouldn’t be a problem, since I’m O- and all).

    • movita beaucoup on June 1, 2020 at 6:40 pm

      This is excellent news. I hear that type of blood is very good in terms of Dorito absorption and retention.

    • Sarah on June 1, 2020 at 9:08 pm

      Sorry you had to go through all that. I went the nearly the same thing so i know exactly what you are talking about. ER visits and all. You can email me if you want more info. Good are feeling better!

      • Alana on June 2, 2020 at 7:22 am

        Sorry you are having to go through this Rachel. You are a trooper. Also sorry I cannot donate blood. They don’t like mine. Glad 2.0 is supporting you (was there any doubt). Take care.

      • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:34 am

        Thanks, Sarah! It’s all quite overwhelming – mostly because I was blindsided by all this! Once I know my official course of treatment I may take you up on your kind offer. xox

    • Lynne Biziewski on June 1, 2020 at 10:40 pm

      Wow. What crap you’re enduring! I’m glad you’re feeling better, and I want to tell you I had some lady parts trouble years ago. All is well now. Maybe sometime I’ll tell you about how I had a hole in my internal parts that redefined the meaning of ‘crap’. It was gross and required emergency surgery. Which I begged to postpone because I had just adopted my third dog. Doctor: You need to have surgery immediately. Me: But I have DOGS!!!!!
      Anyway, feel better, and take care of yourself. And make sure you keep us posted!!!!

      • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:39 am

        I won’t lie: I DID worry about how Dorey was handling things in my absence…

  2. Monica Kocon on June 1, 2020 at 6:51 pm

    If I didn’t get so woozy after donating blood (the bloodletting hangover is immediate and unforgiving to my body), I would donate more.

    I’m so glad you’re on the mend and didn’t lose any humor in the process.

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:20 am

      They actually injected EXTRA humour into my IV.

  3. Libby on June 1, 2020 at 7:02 pm

    Scary. I hope you do run into a vampire anytime soon. It sounds like you need all the blood you can get.

    • Libby on June 1, 2020 at 7:03 pm

      Oops. Do not. Do not. That sounded morbid.

      • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:22 am

        I’m quite pale so I think I could blend in with the vampire crowd. I don’t think they’d bite into one of their own?

  4. Susan on June 1, 2020 at 7:04 pm

    OH Movita! So glad you are on the mend. If not for this pesky little bug flying around the world, I would bring you homemade chicken and noodles, because I am supposed to be on a bucket list trip to your little province RIGHT NOW. But alas, the border is still closed between our countries or I would be there!! Feel better!!

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:24 am

      Oh no! I’m so sorry your trip was cancelled. It will be worth the wait though – I promise! The lobster alone should make up for the bucket list delay…

  5. Audra aka Hazel on June 1, 2020 at 7:13 pm

    Good to hear you are feeling better. I have that anemia thing. I found out how bad it was in 1995. Talk about lady bits, I had a 9 pound growth that was sucking all the iron I had out of me, along with a lot of B12….enough about me… the good news is, that 9 pound growth has O positive blood and can donate where as I cannot. There’s always a silver lining!

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:26 am

      WHAT?! NINE POUNDS?! Sweet baby Jesus! I don’t know much about my images yet (should be talking to a specialist this week), but you’ve set the bar very high. I’m O positive, so I thank your growth for being there for me.

  6. heather cutten on June 1, 2020 at 7:15 pm

    Wow! so glad you are doing better… is hell getting older and body parts like to take a dive to some foreign parts or whatever. It gets even better much later in life too. I don’t which end is up half the time now. You take care and look after yourself… are needed around this world of ours.
    Love….Auntie H.

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:29 am

      Thanks, Aunt Heather! Maybe we should label our parts so we can keep track of which end is up? Like, with a Sharpie?

  7. Auntie Magpie on June 1, 2020 at 8:18 pm

    So glad to hear you’re feeling better. Sounds like a harrowing time.
    Just to add…this thing with 2.0 and wild birds runs in the family! Last June I was horrified to see a half frozen Magpie in the dog kennel in my kitchen, rescued from a freezing rain storm by 2 o”s Uncle J!. The fledgling was successfully released the next day into slightly improved weather.
    Take good care!

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:32 am

      I think 2.0 is only one step away from letting Clarence (that’s what he named the crow) and his wife (Clara) into our house. On the one hand, it’s nice to think that genetics have made him the kind man he is. On the other hand, I don’t want crow poop in my kitchen…

  8. Nancy on June 1, 2020 at 10:11 pm

    Oh dear! This all sounds horrible! Glad to hear you are on the road to recovery!

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:35 am

      Thanks, Nancy. On the plus side, every single healthcare worker I’ve dealt with – EVERY SINGLE ONE – has been absolutely amazing. I’ve been very well taken care of!

  9. Cherrill on June 1, 2020 at 10:29 pm

    Wow thanks for the update! And hopefully you’re on the mend. 2 years ago I had crazy low hemoglobin (also from lady part betrayal, but different) and needed 3 units of blood. Nurses came from all over the ER to stare at me in wonder for how I managed to arrive there under my own steam. I made my husband donate to make up for what’s I used (he donates anyway, but I felt better ordering him to do it)

    • movita beaucoup on June 2, 2020 at 7:38 am

      When it was time to head to a new hospital unit for my transfusion, I heard an orderly talking to the nurse outside of my room. He asked if I might need a wheelchair and the nurse said, “Well, she walked in on her own. I don’t know how, but she did. So I’m betting that gal is gunna walk herself over there, bud.” AND I DID.

      Thanks to your hubby for his generous donations!

      • Karen Schroeder on June 2, 2020 at 9:40 pm

        Movita, I’m so glad your feeling better! And I thank the hospital staff for their service in helping you ♥️ Feel better! We all love you and have missed your posts. Welcome back !!!

  10. Liz on June 2, 2020 at 7:32 pm

    Oh, dear, when the mama parts go rogue, they wreak havoc! (I first misspelled rogue as rouge, but that wouldn’t have been too far off!). Glad you have healed enough to tell us all about it…looking forward to hearing about 2.0’s new friend!

  11. Karen on June 2, 2020 at 7:40 pm

    Oh my goodness. I’m so glad everything worked out. That must have been rough for 2.0 to not be able to be by your side.

  12. Bonnie Johnson on June 3, 2020 at 4:50 pm

    Holy smokes, Movita! Sounds as though you had quite a time of it. So glad that you are now on the mend. Take good care of yourself. Did 2.0 give the crow a name?

  13. Snuggles C on June 4, 2020 at 8:03 pm

    Glad to hear you are feeling better so you can finish those last 4 zones around your living abode, but they can wait until you’re up to it. I don’t have any girly parts left after they took them out and they didn’t even give me a 5 pound loss that I was hoping for! Thanks to 4 little scars I don’t have to look forward to that monthly routine that’s been a part of my life for quite some time and that I’m thankful for! Take care and may the best days be a head of you yet to happen!

  14. Teri Byrne on June 9, 2020 at 11:41 am

    HEY!!! I just found your FANCY PANTS PANCAKE recipe in my Cookbook binder (which is full of your stuff)— Anyway—They were 100% awesome as ever before. DELICIOUS

    Thanks darling!

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