Some of you were confused by my last, almost-healthy recipe, so I decided to lay some multi-layered sweetness on you. Welcome to Crap I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You About, 10th Edition.

One of my students recently told me a story about passing out in sex education class. At first I pretended to be concerned, but then she told me that it happened when the nurse unwrapped a condom at the front of the room and extended it for all to see. She was sharing a chair with a boy she had a crush on (big mistake, kiddo), and then sorta slid off that chair, sweating and speaking in tongues. I guess kids were just steppin’ over her and stuff as the nurse cleared the room to assist her. Gawd, I miss high school.

Several weeks ago, 2.0 and I were joshin’ around, and I compared an incident to the time I almost pooped my pants on Spring Garden Road, and 2.0 said: which time?

WHICH TIME?

I’d like to assure you that there was only the one time.

Kinfolk. Sometimes I look at their stuff, and I’m all: aw, that’s pretty. But most of the time I’m thinking: take that ridiculous flower wreath off your head, bozo. I bet their dinner parties would be zero fun what with the conversation centring around harvest retreats and The Great Gatsby. Plus, I doubt 2.0 would grow a handlebar moustache for the event. 

My sister, Haddy, has me hooked on a column called “Kings County from The Cruiser.” It’s published in a newspaper local to where we grew up. Basically, it’s a weekly RCMP update to keep the villagers apprized of reported crime in the area. The column includes weekly gems like:

• A mysterious package wrapped in foil was reported to police in Wolfville. It turned out to be an abandoned donair.
• Police were asked to mediate after a pizza delivery mix-up in North Kentville.
• A snowplow driver reported seeing a suspicious light in a home near Welton’s Landing at 12:20 a.m. It turned out to be a candle.
• A man wearing a Ninja outfit was checked out by police in Greenwood. He was waiting for a drive to a party.

I’m guessing you’ve figured out that we don’t do no Kinfolk where I grew up.

On New Year’s Eve, a situation arose whilst 2.0 and I were visiting the Beaucoups. We were there for dinner, games, and festivities. After a trip to the washroom, I typed the following message on my iPhone and slid it across the table to 2.0:

I made a double flusher. Go do the second flush. 

I assumed that he would excuse himself from the table and address the situation, because we both know what a double flusher is, and we’re supposed to back each other up in these circumstances. He didn’t. At first I thought he was trying to be discrete, as running to the bathroom immediately after my departure might have been a giveaway. But it became apparent that he was more focused winning Carcassonne than my request for assistance. After about 20 minutes, and a good deal of worrying that someone else would get to the washroom before 2.0, I typed:

I made a double flusher a long time ago – GO PEE AND DO THE SECOND FLUSH!

2.0 looked down at the phone and nodded reassuringly. And then he slid my phone across the table to my mother. She read the message, and then handed it on to my brother, who passed it on to my dad. I’d like to tell you that I was completely traumatized by the event, but once you’ve almost pooped your pants in public, your threshold for this sort of thing gets adjusted significantly.

So, I push on and continue to bake, and these bars are one of my most recent favourites. They have three layers – a soft, chocolate base studded with walnuts, followed by a rich layer of marshmallow, and finished with a glossy, chocolate topping. The coconut in the base gives a satisfying chewiness, and keeps it slightly soft. The marshmallow layer is gooey and sweet, and I added krispie cereal to the topping to give a little crunch, along with some corn syrup to add a little sheen. Chocolatey and decadent – comforting even in one’s darkest hour.

. . .

Chocolate Marshmallow Layer Bars

print and bake

Yields one 9×9 inch pan.

For the base:

• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup light brown sugar, packed
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 2 tablespoons cocoa
• 2 eggs, room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
• 1/4 cup chopped walnuts

For the marshmallow layer:

• 18 large marshmallows, cut in half

For the topping:

• 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 tablespoon light corn syrup
• 1 cup Rice Krispies cereal

Mise en place – begin by getting organized. Read through the entire recipe before beginning. Measure out all of your ingredients.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a 9×9 inch baking pan.

In a large bowl, whisk together the granulated sugar, brown sugar, flour, baking powder, salt and cocoa.

In a separate, small bowl, lightly beat the eggs, and then stir the eggs into the sugar mixture. Add the vanilla, coconut and walnuts, stirring until combined. The batter may seem dry at first, but will come together into a moist, somewhat sticky dough. Avoid over-mixing. Spread evenly in the greased 9×9 pan.

Bake for about 25 minutes, rotating the pan after 15 minutes, until somewhat firm and pulling away from the sides of the pan. A toothpick inserted into the centre should come out clean.

When the base is done baking, remove pan from the oven and immediately cover with marshmallow halves (6 rows of 6 marshmallows in each direction). Put the pan back into the oven for 1-2 minutes to soften the marshmallows. Remove pan from oven and use the point of a small pallet knife (or butter knife) to spread the marshmallows evenly. They will be very sticky and gooey, but as they melt they become easier to spread.

Make the topping: in a double boiler or a metal bowl placed over a pot of simmering water, combine the chocolate chips, butter and corn syrup. Cook until the chocolate chips and butter have completely melted, and the mixture is smooth, glossy, and hot to the touch. Stir in the Rice Krispies and then immediately spread over the marshmallow layer. This is easiest to do when the marshmallows are still warm.* The marshmallows and topping may marble slightly as you spread the topping over the surface.

Allow to cool completely on a wire rack and then cut into squares.

*note: you can make the topping while the base is baking. Don’t add the Rice Krispies until just before spreading the topping over the marshmallows, and be sure the chocolate mixture is still warm and loose when you stir in the Rice Krispies – if the chocolate is too cool, it will make combining and spreading difficult.

Welcome to Crap I’ve Been Meaning To Tell You About, 7th Edition.

ebony-the-cat has been under the weather. We have to administer eye drops every 12 hours for the rest of her life. (Thus, our fun is now planned in increments of no more than 12 hours.) When I had to take ebony to the vet last week, 2.0 came home from work just to see her before her appointment. He wanted to tell her that he loves her and would feel bad if anything happened to her, and then he kissed her head. When I went for my MRI a couple of weeks ago, 2.0 did NOT stop by to check on me, say he loved me, or kiss me on my head. As he left for work that morning, he said I should let him know if they decided to keep me at the hospital indefinitely so he could bring me a change of underpants.

I’m heading to New York in December! Actually, I’m headed to Hoboken, but close enough. My brother asked me to join him there as he’s flying over from France for business. After we organized our trip, my brother emailed me the following message:

… have you heard of some show called Cake Boss? I guess some guy from that has a shop in Hoboken.

Have I heard of Cake Boss? Cripes. Try not hearing of Cake Boss. I guess in France they aren’t into motorized cake towers held together with plywood, Rice Krispies and fondant.

If you’re having a bad day or dating, read this: The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny, by Anna Lind Thomas. You’ll feel better, promise. Also, I almost pooped my pants a few months ago. On a busy street. I’m still pretty rattled about it, so let’s leave it at that for now. (I trust you noted that this information has been filed under Crap I’ve Been Meaning To Tell You About.)

And finally, my sister sent this nice side by side comparison of her dog and a younger me:

Let’s talk about these squares. They are one of my most favourite treats. My mummy used to make them for me every Christmas, but now she makes them for 2.0. She brings them to the holiday table, puts them in front of him and says something like, “I made these just for you! Because they’re your favourite!”

She used to say that to me.

These squares are a sweet, decadent treat – best sliced small due to their richness. The base is chocolatey, and studded with walnuts and finely chopped Mr. Christie’s Arrowroot Biscuits – a classic here in Canada. I’m sure you can find something similar where you live – look for a thin, arrowroot biscuit. I don’t have a substitute for you because a) I live in Canada, and b) they’re called Arrowroot Squares for a reason. The chocolate base is topped with a very thin layer of melted chocolate – think of it as a sealant. That thin chocolate grouting is then slathered with vanilla icing, which is then topped with a generous Pollock-inspired drizzling of melted chocolate. The bite is relatively soft – not chewy or crisp – though the chocolate drizzle has a satisfying snap under the teeth. There’s no baking involved – only a little stovetop magic to prepare the base. These squares are best when chilled – in fact, don’t attempt slicing until they’ve been refrigerated for at least a couple of hours. Trust.

. . .

Arrowroot Squares

recipe: slightly adapted from a family recipe, with adjustments to the method and notes

print and make

Yields one 9×9 inch square baking pan.

For the base:

• 30 Mr. Christie’s Arrowroot Biscuits*, finely chopped
• 1 cup chopped walnuts
• 2 large eggs
• 1/4 cup cocoa
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• pinch of salt
• 1.5 ounces (1 1/2 baker’s squares) semi-sweet chocolate, melted

*if using another brand of arrowroot biscuits, scale them at about 6.9 ounces or 196 grams 

For the icing:

• 1/4 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 cups icing (confectioner’s) sugar, sifted
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 tablespoons whole milk

For the topping:

• 2 ounces (2 baker’s squares) semi-sweet chocolate, melted

Mise en place – begin by getting organized. Read through the entire recipe. Measure out all of your ingredients. These squares require at least two hours of chilling before slicing – be sure you’ve allowed enough time. 

Lightly grease a 9×9 inch baking pan.

Begin by making the base. Combine the chopped arrowroot biscuits and walnuts in a large bowl. Set aside.

In a medium-sized saucepan over medium heat, cook the eggs, cocoa, sugar, butter, vanilla and salt (stirring frequently) until very thick – a pudding-like consistency. Remove from heat and add to the cookies and nuts, stirring well to combine. Press into the bottom of your prepared baking pan.

Immediately (while the base is still warm) spread the 1.5 ounces of melted chocolate over the base – it will be a very thin coating. Allow to set as you prepare the icing.

To make the icing, cream the butter in a medium-sized bowl with a hand-held or stand mixer, until soft and light. Add 1 cup of the icing sugar, salt, vanilla extract and 1 tablespoon of the milk, and mix until well blended (start at low speed and then increase to medium). Add the remaining cup of icing sugar and 2 tablespoons of milk, and beat until creamy and smooth (again, start at low speed and then increase to medium).

Spread the icing evenly over the square base with a small offset spatula or pallet knife.

For the topping, melt the 2 ounces of semi-sweet chocolate and drizzle with a small whisk over the icing layer.

Chill in the refrigerator for at least two hours before cutting into small squares. The longer the chill, the easier the slice.

Store in the refrigerator. These squares freeze well.

Growing up, I loved me some Hello Dolly Squares. Some of you might call them Magic Bars, 7-Layer Bars, or Miracle Bars. I requested them every year – especially at Christmastime – and I still do. There are many variations, but the results are always basically the same: layers of über sweet, awesome goodness sitting atop a disgusting graham cracker base.

I loathe graham crackers.

When you put graham crackers in my dessert, I am instantly saddened. I know how it’s gunna go down. Or, more accurately, not go down. That base is going to crumble. It will fall apart and make it impossible for me to lift my treat to my mouth. Alternatively, you will have packed the graham base down so hard that when I try to break into it with my fork, it will fly across the room. I will pretend to feel bad about the broken vase, but I’ll really be thinking: your penchant for graham crackers comes with a price. Also, your graham base is going to taste like crackers and butter. Would you serve crackers and butter to Oprah, ya crazy nutter? No. I didn’t think so. And don’t think that covering those crackers with say, cheesecake, is any better. The graham dust will still get stuck in my throat. I’ll do my best to choke it down or eat around it, but the entire time I will be thinking: away crumbly thing. AWAY! 

Shouldn’t we be up in arms about this? Can’t we do better than pulverized crackers sitting on the bottom of a pan? The answer is yes, my friends. Yes, we can.

With another holiday season quickly approaching, my thoughts turned to the Hello Dolly Squares I would once again be craving. Or at least, the top half of the Hello Dolly Squares I’d be craving, and I was, indeed, up in arms about the whole thing. So I set about creating a non-graham base for these bars. Strong enough to support the sweet layers above it, suitable for cutting and capable of portaging the über sweet, awesome goodness to my mouth.

It took a few attempts. A first try included chocolate in the base, and a rejected pre-baked crust idea. There was a batch that landed in the green bin – mostly because they sort of caught on fire. And finally, there were adjusted bake times and a re-ordering of layers. And then I birthed these: Chewy Gooey Layer Bars. Nary a graham cracker in sight.

I actually considered calling these Bye Bye Graham Bars.

Behold an incredibly sweet, chewy, gooey bar with a non-graham base. The base is a little chewy because there’s coconut in there, and the top is gooey because when you combine even more coconut with sweetened condensed milk, things get a little messy. Should you decide to try them, I want you to heed these instructions: after baking, allow the squares to cool completely, then cover the pan with tinfoil (pull it taut so it’s not touching the surface of the bars), and place in the refrigerator to chill for at least a couple of hours before cutting. Refrigeration sets the bars and makes for easier slicing. Don’t skip that step, okay? Trust. Actually, I think they taste best when still cold, so I’d recommend trying ’em that way first. Also, I’d recommend cutting them into smallish squares as they are very decadent. Don’t be a hero. No one is interested in watching you barf under the Christmas tree.

Now kick back and imagine Kevin Bacon serving these to you wearin’ nuthin’ but an apron. He’s smiling because you didn’t try to choke him with graham crackers. And then you live happily ever after.

{insert fist bump here}

. . .

Chewy Gooey Layer Bars

recipe: inspired by the traditional Hello Dolly Square and a loathing of graham cracker bases

print and bake

Yields one 9×9 baking pan. An incredibly sweet, chewy, gooey bar.

For the base:

• 1 cup light brown sugar (packed)
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs, room temperature
• 1/2 cup shredded, unsweetened coconut
• 1 tablespoon melted butter, cooled slightly
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

For the topping:

• 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 1 cup shredded, unsweetened coconut
• 1 cup chopped walnuts
• 1 can (300 ml.) sweetened condensed milk

Mise en place – begin by getting organized. Measure out all of your ingredients. Be sure you’ve allowed enough time for the squares to completely cool and sit in the refrigerator for at least 2-3 hours prior to slicing. 

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a 9×9 baking pan – these are gooey bars, be sure to grease the sides, bottom and corners of your pan.

In a medium sized bowl, combine the brown sugar, flour, baking powder and salt, stirring to combine. Stir in the eggs, mixing well to combine. Add 1/2 cup coconut, melted butter and vanilla, mixing to combine. Spread the mixture evenly over the bottom of your prepared baking pan.

Sprinkle the chocolate chips evenly overtop of the base. Next, sprinkle the coconut evenly over the surface, followed by the walnuts. Finally, drizzle the condensed milk over top of the bars. You can use a small spatula to encourage even spreading of the condensed milk and to fill in the nooks and crannies – just be gentle so as not to disturb the layers underneath.

Bake for about 30 minutes, rotating the pan at the 15 minute mark. The top should be deep, golden brown before removing from the oven.

Allow the squares to cool completely (in the pan, on a wire rack), then cover the pan with tinfoil (pull it taut so it’s not touching the surface of the bars), and place in the refrigerator to chill for at least a couple of hours before cutting. I don’t recommend skipping this step. Refrigeration sets the bars and makes for easier slicing. I find these bars taste best when chilled.

Store in the refrigerator.

These squares are better than a Dyson anything.

Let’s break it down.

The foundation of these squares is actually comprised of two layers. At the very bottom, a chewy, coconut infused layer. This chewiness is very important to the overall awesomeness and structure of the square, and should not be underestimated. Resting upon that coconut base is a second, and equally important, chocolate walnut layer. Walnuts are good for you. That goodness balances out the next layer: gooey marshmallows. And finally, slathered overtop of the squares, is a sweet chocolate coating. This chocolate frosting will crust just a little and then crackle under the pressure of your knife as you cut into it.

Give thanks.

The spreading of each decadent layer in the baking pan takes some finesse. Not ship-in-a-bottle finesse, but a little patience is required. These spreading skills are what separate us from apes and farm animals. Be gentle, use your fingers a little. They will get sticky. It will be worth it. For when all is said and done? You will eat the fruits of your labour. And then you will press your back up against a wall saying, “I can’t feel my legs.” You will slide to the floor. From this position you will watch other people attack your pan of squares like a pack of filthy hyenas. You will, in all likelihood, be hit with square shrapnel. You will survive. You have to. Because you have a reason to live now. And that reason is these squares.

Change your game, son. Forget those krispie treats you make for every potluck, barbecue and family event you get dragged to. Make these rich, chewy, gooey, sweet squares and you’ll get a new family. One that actually appreciates you.

Open wide, baby.

. . .

Chocolate Marshmallow Squares – from Company’s Coming 150 Delicious Squares, with adjustments to the notes and method – print and bake

Yields one 9×9 pan of squares.

For the base:

• 2 eggs, room temperature
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar, packed
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
• 1 ounce (1 baking square) unsweetened chocolate, melted
• 1 tablespoon butter, melted
• 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
• 18 large marshmallows, cut in half

For the icing – make while the base is baking:

• 1 1/3 cups icing (confectioner’s) sugar
• 1/3 cup cocoa
• 2 tablespoons butter, room temperature
• 6-8 teaspoons water (more or less to adjust for consistency)

Mise en place – begin by getting organized. Measure out all of your ingredients. Grease your baking pan.

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease a 9×9 square baking pan.

In a large bowl, beat the eggs slightly. Add the granulated sugar, brown sugar, flour, baking powder, vanilla and salt, stirring well to combine.

Remove half of the batter, and place in a separate bowl (you want 2 equal portions). To the first portion of batter, add the coconut and mix to combine. Spread evenly in the greased 9×9 pan.

To the second portion of batter, add the melted chocolate, butter and walnuts. Mix to combine, and dollop over the first layer. Gently spread the chocolate layer evenly over the first layer in the pan. You may need to use your fingers to assist in spreading.

Bake for 28-30 minutes, until golden and somewhat firm, rotating the pan after 15 minutes. A toothpick inserted into the centre should come out clean, and the base may be separating from the sides of the pan ever so slightly. Avoid over-baking.

As the base is baking, make your icing – method below.*

When the base is done baking, remove pan from the oven and immediately cover with marshmallow halves (6 rows of 6 marshmallows in each direction). Put the pan back into the oven for 1-2 minutes to soften the marshmallows. Remove pan from oven and use the point of a small pallet knife (or butter knife) to spread the marshmallows evenly. They will be sticky, but as they melt they become easier to spread.

Immediately, and while still warm, dollop the chocolate icing over the surface of the marshmallows, and gently spread with a pallet knife. The marshmallows and icing may marble slightly as you spread.

Allow to cool completely and cut into squares.

* To make the icing:

Sift together the icing sugar and cocoa. In the bowl of a stand mixer or with a hand-held mixer, beat the sifted icing sugar and cocoa, butter, and 6 teaspoons of water until well combined and smooth. Add more water (if needed) to make the icing soft and spreadable.

I am a worrier. As in: I think I have a crippling anxiety-disease that is taking over my life. To be honest, worrying takes up more time in my day than anything else now, which I’m thinking can’t be normal. Actually, I’m worrying that it can’t be normal.

So, because among my worries is the fear that I’ll eventually run out of things to tell you about, I bring to you a new series: Crap Movita Worries About. This should provide years of material, and perhaps bring us a little closer together. At the very least, it should make you feel better about yourself. The first instalment in this series is: Structurally Centred Worries.

Our kitchen floor is about to collapse. 2.0 says it is not. He insists on pointing out that because he went to school for building technology, he has some expertise in the area. I’ve checked at kitchen level and at basement level, and can’t find any real proof to show 2.0, so now I’m on the hunt for some sort of floor-sag measuring tool. I’ve also been checking to see if any of my neighbours have fallen through their kitchen floors – as many of our houses were built at the same time. So far, no luck.

My bathtub is in a bathroom that wasn’t originally built with the house. It was an addition to the second floor made years before we moved in. I’m not convinced that the weight of the water and my devastatingly beautiful body were accounted for by the contractor, and I don’t want to plummet to the ground – naked – in the tub. So now I only take showers.

2.0 and I have been considering a move. We’re even thinking about building a house. But I’m going to need proof that the contractors are accounting for the weight of everything we own – including the piano and three cats – before I’ll approve any plans. Otherwise, everything we own will have to be arranged in the basement. We will need very strong, very level kitchen floors. And I would also like extra beams under the bathtub so I can finally have a nice soak after a day of worrying at work. But I’m worried that the builder won’t take my concerns seriously.

The building where I teach is very, very old. People at work say, “this building survived the Halifax Explosion – nothing’s going to take this sucker down!” But I figure if it survived the explosion, it’s more than likely that it can’t survive much more. I often teach on the second floor. I’m not sure if the weight of a dozen dancers, the piano, an accompanist and myself has been accounted for. The building wasn’t built with such use in mind, and might collapse as a result. Also, when I’m laying under a piano in the basement (post-collapse), will I be able to tell the rescue workers to check on my cats? Do rescue workers do that sort of thing? And will the mice that live at the Conservatory chew on my hair while I’m waiting to be rescued?

Now, here’s something – when I’m baking, I don’t worry. I mean, sure, I could fall through the kitchen floor, but it’s hard to think about that when you’re focused on icing consistency. So, as you head into the long weekend, I give you these squares. These lemony squares might take your mind off your worries for a little while. They are perfect for spring, and suitable for a tea party if you’re into that sort of thing. They have a light base topped with a lemony-coconut layer, which is then topped with a lemony frosting. They are light, sweet and tart all at the same time – as any lemon dessert should be. I like my lemon desserts with a little zing – but you could dial back on the lemon if you so desire. I also recommend cutting the pan into small squares. That way you’ll look very ladylike at your tea party. Even if you eat 27 of ’em.

. . .

Lemon Coconut Bars – adapted slightly from Company’s Coming 150 Delicious Squares, Jean Paré – print and bake in a structurally sound environment

Yields about 36 small squares – more or less depending desired serving size.

For base:

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter, cold and cut into small cubes

For lemony layer:

• 2 large eggs
• 4 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 cup unsweetened, shredded coconut
• 1/4 teaspoon salt

For icing:

• 2 cups confectioner’s sugar (icing sugar)
• 2 tablespoons butter, room temperature
• 8 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice (more or less to taste)

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line a 9 x 9 inch square baking pan with parchment paper. I like to have the sides of the pan covered with the paper as well.

To make the base:

Combine the flour, sugar and butter in a bowl, using your fingers to rub the ingredients together until the mixture becomes mealy. Dump the mixture into the prepared pan, and press down evenly. Bake for 20 minutes.

To make the lemony layer:

Just before the base is ready to come out of the oven, prepare the middle layer. In a medium sized bowl, beat the eggs slightly. Stir in the lemon juice, sugar, flour, baking powder, coconut and salt. Spread the mixture over the base layer when it has finished baking, and then return the pan to the oven. Do not let the base cool before putting the lemon layer on – spread the lemon/coconut mixture over the base as soon as it comes out of the oven, and put back in the hot oven right away. Bake for 25-30 minutes, until set in the centre and light brown in colour. Allow to cool in pan on a wire rack completely before icing.

To make the icing:

Combine the confectioner’s sugar, butter and 4 teaspoons of the lemon juice in the bowl of a stand mixer and mix on low speed. Add the next 4 teaspoons of lemon juice gradually, and then mix on medium speed until no lumps of butter or sugar remain, scraping down the sides and bottom of bowl as necessary. Spread on the cooled squares and allow to set.

Cut into small squares to serve.