Welcome to my toilet blog.

My dating resumé can be found on my about page, so hit that up if you’d like some basic deets. If you’re a new reader and want to earn the begrudging respect of my long-established superfans, keep reading. Your blog orientation starts now.

To the right you’ll see my photo (it took two years to grow that moustache) and find links to my social media channels. At the top of the page you’ll see what we in the biz call a navigation bar. It will take you to my most popular categories of posts. My latest posts can be found on the homepage under ‘recent dumps.’ I don’t have a posting schedule. I don’t do lots of stuff that other bloggers do. Like pop-ups. Only assholes put pop-ups on their sites.

Some people say this blog is the happiest place on the internets. (Me. I say that.) Most of the crap I write is meant to make you laugh. Let’s face it: the world is an upside-down shit show and sometimes a little foolishness goes a long way. You hear me, Debbie? Don’t go getting all up in arms when I swear or talk about farts.


There are a few people who turn up regularly on this blog. I should probably start killing off some of my characters, but to be honest I can’t take on a big project like body disposal at this time.

2.0 – my lover *snickers*
The Beaucoups – my family: Rosie and Bill (mummy and daddy), Haddy (little sister), Adopamop (little brother)
The Frenchies – my brother, his partner (Isa), and their three children (Pumpkin, Turnip & Radish) – they live in France
The Ocean Family – 2.0’s family, my second family
The Rutherfords – my sworn enemies
Dorey and Niles – MY CATS ARE THE BEST


Close Call – I was almost-murdered.
An Almost Love Story – my affair with Gérard Depardieu.
Marooned – swimming lessons and forced socialization.
Under My Skein: A Survival Story – I still have a scar.
Poop on Deck: A Captain’s Log – don’t order the potato skins.
Cake Decorating Class – a four part series.
Moth-erly Instincts – I ate a bunch of moths.
Sorry You Fell Off The Stage Cake – self-explanatory.
Ballet Explained – I’m here to help.
Ginger – my annual online gingerbread competition. Mostly I just make fun of people.
Crap I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You About – most people associate my blog with crap. This is why.


I have a small offering of ebooks. Mostly recipes from my food blogging days, but I’m hoping to expand to essay collections and lawn mowers in the near future.


I have a museletter – it only comes out a few times a year. Subscribe here.

You can also get my blog posts delivered to your inbox. Subscribe here.

I have an exclusive Facebook group here. We have a lot of fun and people post stuff daily. It’s similar to a cult but we don’t kill cats.