I’d like to start by thanking all of you for your kind comments and emails regarding my baking school news. It means more to me than I can express without getting mega sappy on ya. I’m feeling more and more excited for September, and maybe even a little braver. Also, I’d like to thank you for convincing 2.0 that an iPhone is something I actually need. It’s pretty clear that you’re worried I won’t be as cool as the kids in my class come September. And sure, I should probably be insulted by this, but I can overlook it if it brings me closer to posting tweets from the can.

That being said, 2.0 is convinced that most of your comments are fake, and were, in all likelihood, written by Apple employees. He’s also threatening to unfollow me on Twitter and facebook – to make up for any fake follows from the aforementioned Apple employees. In case you are tempted to do the same, I should mention that my nemesis, Mrs. Rutherford, just got an iPhone. I think we can all agree that this is unacceptable. First off, she’ll wreck iPhones for everyone. That’s just what The Rutherfords do. Secondly, I don’t want to live in a world where The Rutherfords are cooler than me. I’m sure you don’t either.

So, to celebrate my baking school news, and picking up about four new followers, I have a little treat for you. White Chocolate Ice Cream. On its own, white chocolate makes me want to gag. But in desserts? Magic. This ice cream is like a pimped out version of vanilla. Makes it a little… next level, if ya know what I mean. And just so you know, I found out that there’s a chocolate room at baking school. Yah. A whole room dedicated to all things chocolate. Brilliant.

This ice cream is perfect on it’s own, but would be even perfecter over a fudge brownie. With hot fudge sauce. And white chocolate shavings. Right? Aaaaaand that’s why I should be on Kanye’s dream team.

. . .

White Chocolate Ice Cream – from Company’s Coming Most Loved Summer Desserts - print and make for your own private celebration

Yields about 6 cups.

• 2 cups milk
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 large egg
• 6 ounces white chocolate, chopped into small pieces
• 2 cups whipping cream
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Heat the milk in a medium-sized saucepan over medium heat until hot, but not boiling.

Combine the sugar, flour and salt in bowl. Beat in the egg until smooth.

Stir the flour mixture into the hot milk. Heat and stir for 3 minutes. Remove from heat.

Add the white chocolate. Stir until melted.

Chill, covered, for at least 6 hours or overnight.

Stir in the whipping cream and vanilla. Pour into ice cream maker. Process according to manufacturer’s instructions. Freeze until firm.

I want a smartphone. This is hard to admit, because 2.0 and I pride ourselves on being uncool. We love to roll our eyes at people who feel the need to keep up with trends. Because we are better than that. We don’t wear labels. We don’t buy fancy stuff. We wear ten year-old pants with pride. We’ve got holes in the armpits of our sweaters. And we DON’T have smartphones. We say things like, “yah, like we need to google things in the car! That’s soooo lame!” And then we laugh. Ah-hahahahahahah! We laugh at the weakness of others. And we say things like, “as if we don’t have better things to spend our money on!” And we roll our eyes and laugh at you some more. And then we say, “people need to know the difference between needing something and wanting something.” And we nod our heads very solemnly. Because we are very wise and terribly practical.

But… I want an iPhone. I want an iPhone or some other phone that is smarter than I am. I do. I’m not proud of this. I know I don’t need an iPhone. No one does. But… I want to google things on the sidewalk. (Even though 2.0 will roll his eyes.) And I want to check your facebook status in the bathroom. I do! And I think I have found a loophole. A Need/Want Loophole. I have suggested to 2.0 that if I were to become famous, I would need an iPhone (which is different than wanting), and that then he couldn’t groan about it. Because famous people need iPhones. Famous people are very important, and need to tweet things all of the time. Like Kanye West. Heck, when I’m all famous and stuff, Kanye might want me to join his dream team. So, do me a solid and visit my Twitter and Facebook pages, will ya? Kanye has about 6 million followers, so that should do it. Unless you hate smartphones. I’d totally understand.

And, just so you know, you’re gunna want me to have a fancy phone in the very near future. Because you’re gunna want to read my tweets. You’re gunna want me to go all Instagram on you. Because you’re gunna want to hear about what I’m doing at baking school every day.

YAH. YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

I’ve been wanting to tell you that for weeks and weeks. You know, because we’re so close and stuff. Back in the fall I applied to go back to school. A real, full-time, become-a-pro-baker baking school. And guess what? They actually took me. I know! So, in the fall, at age 40, I will begin a whole new chapter: Boulanger & Baking Art. I’m pretty excited. And also, terrified. I’m still trying to muster the confidence to actually go to baking school. I’ve seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High, so I know how things work. I’m kinda worried that some 18 year old badass will destroy me in the first week.

So: I need an iPhone. Right? And, uh, if I go to baking school, y’all’ve (new word) got my back, right? Because I’m gunna need about 6 million of ya behind me…

Hello, friends. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve slowed down on my posts a little. Not because I don’t want to be here; quite the opposite, actually. I love you in a way that makes other people very uncomfortable. But I’m having a wee problem with writer’s block. Well, not writer’s block exactly. You see, normally I do a lot of dumb stuff, and then I tell you about it. Or I tell you about the dumb stuff 2.0 does. Or the ridiculous crap my family does. And all that stuff adds up to about 80% of this blog’s content. Our combined ineptitude is pure gold for a blog writer. But lately? We’ve been full of charm and grace. We’re making rational decisions. Things are running smoothly. And to be frank, it’s a real pain in the ass.

So, I got to thinking about what I could do for you. What little gem I could pass on to you to make up for my relentlessly boring life. You know, until I can start doing some more dumb/exciting stuff. So I give to you: Weekend Salmon. Because even an idiot could make it.

(Uh, there’s no rosemary in this recipe. I just thought it would look pretty. Deal.)

I titled this recipe Weekend Salmon because there’s vodka in it. Apparently, some people just drink alcohol on the weekends, so there’s the tie-in. Also, it’s easy to make. So, when you get home from work on a Friday night, ready to chug back some vodka, you can just throw the ingredients (and a little of your precious hooch) in a skillet and walk away. If you have a rice maker, you’re really in luck. Cuz’ you could just chuck some rice in there and dinner will have basically made itself.

You’re welcome.

. . .

Weekend Salmon – inspired by exhaustion and a recipe found in the Liverpool Priva-Cheer Cookbook (2009) - print and make this ridiculously simple meal

You will need a large skillet with a tight fitting lid.

• 1 can (28 fl. oz) whole tomatoes
• 2 shallots, thinly sliced
• 4 tablespoons vodka
• 1 teaspoon horseradish
• few splashes Worcestershire sauce
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1 teaspoon olive oil
• 1 stalk celery, diced
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• salmon fillets, only as many as will fit with space between each in your skillet (I’m guessing 4-6 maximum, and you’ll want them to be of a similar thickness so they all finish cooking at the same time)

In a large skillet/sauté pan (you will need a lid), over medium heat, combine the tomatoes, shallots, vodka, horseradish, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, olive oil, celery, and pepper and bring to a gentle simmer. Break up the tomatoes with the back of your spoon.

Once simmering, lay the salmon fillets over the top of the sauce, cover with a tight lid, and let the salmon poach for about 10-12 minutes, until just cooked through. (Salmon takes about 10-12 minutes per inch of thickness to cook. To avoid overcooking, remember that fish will continue to cook for a minute or two when coming off the heat. Cooked salmon will be opaque in colour.)

Serving suggestion: with potatoes or over rice.

Question: why haven’t I been making crackers? Huh? Why have I wasted so much time eating crackers from a box when I could be eating crackers from my own oven? Redonkulous.

Another question: do you have any comprehension of how much time I would save in my weekly routine if I just stopped bathing? If I could just resist the temptation to bathe, put on makeup, and blow dry my hair? About 20 hours a month, people. That’s almost a whole friggin’ day each and every month dedicated to the approval of others.

I do not roll out of bed looking the way I do. Part elf, part small human. I have no natural colour. None at all. I am the whitest person you will ever know (on a number of levels). Without makeup, I look as though suffering from a terrible, terrible disease. Perhaps something transmitted elf to elf. So, should you have the great privilege of meeting me in person, you should assume that any and all colour on my face is fake. Completely and totally fake. That is one of the many reasons I must spend between 30 and 45 minutes a day bathing, putting on makeup, and blowdrying my hair. Almost a full day every month is devoted to smelling… well, not smelling like a ballet teacher. Almost a full day every month making my hair look less like rats have been sucking on it. I hope people appreciate it.

And what would I do with that extra day? That day per month wasted on primping? Oh boy. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things. And sure, I can’t think of a single thing right now, but lemme tell you, it would be major. Major like homemade crackers. Because it turns out crackers are super easy to make. Way easier than making yourself look undead. Make a dough, roll it out thin, bake. A monkey could do it. Of course, monkeys are kind of into grooming too, so I’m just assuming that they’d be willing to devote some of their gussying time to making crackers.

These crackers taste of rosemary and cornmeal. Thus the name. A lovely, savoury cracker. Roll them out thin, and you’ll get a crisp, crunchy treat to munch on. Also, 2.0 and I feel that you should know that these crackers are totally awesome when paired with chili. Like, totally, totally awesome.

So, consider going unbathed one day this week. Make crackers instead.

. . .

Rosemary Cornmeal Crackers – from Style at Home Magazine (Claire Stubbs) – with some notes from movita - print and bake

Yields about 4 dozen.

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup cornmeal
• 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon sea salt
• 1/2 cup water
• 1/3 cup olive oil

Preheat the oven to 450°F. Cut two pieces of parchment paper that will fit on two baking sheets, and set aside.* Place two baking sheets in the oven to heat (without the parchment paper).

In a large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, cornmeal, rosemary, baking powder and salt. Make a well in the centre of the dry ingredients and add the water and olive oil. Mix until a loose, wet dough is formed. Knead the dough gently on a lightly floured surface for 1-2 minutes.

Divide the dough in half and roll out each piece directly onto a piece of parchment paper until very thin. (I started rolling mine on the counter, and then transferred it to the parchment. I found it was easier to get started that way.) Cut the dough into desired shape (squares, triangles, rectangles) with a very sharp knife, being careful not to cut through the paper.

Working quickly, lift the parchment paper onto the preheated baking sheets and transfer to the oven. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until the crackers begin to brown.

* Make sure your brand of parchment paper can be used at 450°F. I lowered the temperature to 425°F, as it was the maximum temperature recommended for my brand of parchment.

How’s it going, friend? You aren’t on a diet are you? Because I made these brownies for you. And me. Okay, I made them mostly for me. I made these brownies because returning to work last week was… stressful. Wanna know what I think of January so far? I kinda think it sucks donkey balls. But that’s because certain aspects of my job are making me want to punch someone in the kidneys. Every job can be like that – equal parts awesome and seizure inducing. Trying to organize people this past week has been like trying to herd squirrels. But, next year (SPOILER ALERT), I’ll be cutting back at work, so the things that are annoying me this week? Gone. Well, not actually gone, just on someone else’s plate.

You should also know that I am developing a Killing Team. Yah, you read right. It’s a plan that just sort of came to me. You see, after making a pan of these brownies, I remembered that 2.0 and I are supposed to be trying to keep ourselves alive (read: eating healthy crud). So, I gave some of these Caramilk Brownies to my neighbours. I gave some of these magnificent brownies to my neighbours across the street, and to the neighbours beside us. And then I got to thinking: if I feed these people right, they’ll actually kill for me. Like, on command. Now, my life hasn’t been threatened yet, but when you’re this cute, it’s a legitimate concern, and I’m nothing if not prepared.

Let me tell you a little about the brownies that I’m feeding to my henchmen. They are fudgy. They are soft, fudgy brownies with Caramilk bars baked right into the centre of ‘em. Oh, and then the whole pan is topped with melted caramels. Yah, you read that right too. Because I treat my posse right. When the topping cools, it hardens a bit (because it’s made of freakin’ caramels, I say, CARAMELS), so the squares aren’t totally gorgeous when you cut them. But you aren’t going to care about that at all once you start scarfing them down.

That being said, I have a recommendation: eat these brownies warm. If you microwave your cooled brownie for about 10-20 seconds, the topping will start to soften and get runny. And the Caramilk bits inside will do the same thing. They’ll start to ooze. Oh boy. So, so good. But just so you know, 2.0 and I ate some in their cooled state too. You know, in the name of science. The topping was stickier, and chewier, but honestly? Just as enjoyable. That’s why people will kill for us. Because we care. We care enough to test brownies extensively, and then we share those brownies. Sure, we share ‘em reluctantly, but we share ‘em just the same.

So, if you, too, are under threat of kidnapping, or live in a drug infested neighbourhood, bake these tasty treats. And give some to a few people who you think might be convinced to maim for you. Better than a freakin’ home security system.

. . .

Caramilk Brownies - inspired by Bobbie Marchand and my passion for Caramilk bars - print, bake and give to your henchmen

For the brownies:

• 1/2 cup margarine plus 2 tablespoons, divided
• 6 tablespoons cocoa
• 1 cup white sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 3/4 cups all purpose flour
• 2  100 gram Caramilk bars, broken into their individual squares (more or less to taste)

• 20 Kraft caramels
• 1 tablespoon heavy cream

Begin by making the brownies.

Grease a 9×9 baking pan. Preheat oven to 350°F.

In a saucepan, melt 1/2 cup margarine over medium-low heat. Add the cocoa and the additional 2 tablespoons of margarine and mix to combine. Remove from heat. Stir in the sugar. Stir in the eggs, one at a time. Stir in the vanilla. Stir in the flour, mixing until well combined.

Spread about 3/4 of the batter into your baking pan. Place the Caramilk squares in rows on top of the batter. (Don’t press them down, and try to space them somewhat evenly so each and every brownie gets a gooey bite.) Drizzle the remaining batter over the Caramilk squares. Don’t worry if the squares aren’t totally covered – you can use a spatula to gently spread the batter over top.

Bake for 25-30 minutes, or until cake tester comes out clean. Then allow to cool on a rack.

To make the topping: place the caramels in a small saucepan over medium-low heat, stirring almost constantly until completely melted and smooth. Remove from heat and stir in the heavy cream. Pour over the brownies and spread evenly with a spatula. Allow to cool before eating. (If you can.)