moth-erly instincts
On April 26, 2012, I ate between 1 and 4.5 million moth eggs. I’m not sure how many I actually kept down, thus the broad range in estimated consumption.
Immediately after consuming the moth eggs, I texted 2.0. The text read:
I just ate moth larvae.
I sent the text at 12:27 pm. I expected an immediate response.
I got: no response.
I messaged the only other person that I thought might be able to help – Katherine.
I just ate moth eggs, and possibly some baby moths. I didn’t know who else to contact about the situation. I have brushed my teeth about a million times, but I’m pretty sure they are going to reproduce in my stomach.
Katherine responded very quickly. She suggested that I find and consume a large bottle of high-proof alcohol, because – and I’m not sure if this is based on any sort of science – moths “… are allergic to that stuff and as soon as it hits ’em, they’re toast.” She also warned me against wearing wool for at least 48 hours. Then she asked: how did this happen, exactly?
My fingers shook as I typed. I told Katherine that I had been eating fancy crackers for lunch. Fancy crackers topped with smoked mussels. And I was happy. So, so happy. But then, as I neared the end of my tasty snack, I saw a… situation in the cracker box. People, I need you to understand just how horrifying it is to learn that the cracker crumbs you have been happily licking off your fingers are, in fact, moth eggs.
An hour after I ate nature, 2.0 STILL HADN’T BEEN IN TOUCH TO SEE IF I WAS IN ANY SORT OF DANGER OR IN NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION.
Still seeking some sort of reassurance, I posted this on my Facebook timeline:
I just ate moth eggs. As in: baby moths. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT.
Within seconds, I had a response. Thirty responses, in fact. With useful advice like: a roofie might help you forget this has happened, and avoid lightbulbs. But still nothing from 2.0.
At 5 pm, when there was still no message from 2.0, I began to worry about him. What could possibly be preventing him from getting in touch? Was he trapped under a concrete panel at work, desperately trying to reach his cell phone? Wondering if moths were hatching in my esophagus? Was he fraught with concern, but unable to make contact with me? Etching a message on the bottom of that concrete panel with his fingernails?
No. He wasn’t trapped. He just didn’t think my “situation” was an emergency. At 6:30 pm, 2.0 finally called. He said, “Hey, do you still want me to pick up dinner, or are you too full from eating moths?”
That’ll probably be funny one day.
May we use the word “mothy” as an adjective now? I rather like it. Your writing puts a smile on my face, and I am now going to check my raisins……and my crackers, and my flour, and………..my wool, my precious wool, not that I eat it, of course, but, well……..
Yes, mothy is now an adjective! And I’ve been learning a lot about pantry moths. Like how airtight containers are a girl’s best friend…
xox
Also, I just turned to my wife and told her your story. Here was her response:
“Baby, it’s too early for you to be telling me anything like that.”
Maybe that’s why 2.0 didn’t get back to me right away after the consumption incident… it was too early?
You do seem to have a lot of adventures with the local fauna, Ms. B. But if those were organic and unsprayed moths, you should be okay. I foresee cakes decorated with moth wings, artistically rendered, of course, maybe in spun sugar.
I’m quite sure the moths were of the organic and unsprayed variety. And you’re right… I’m thinking I need to use this tragedy to springboard into a whole line of moth-related baking…
You make me smile. Thank you.
Oh, Melissa! I’m glad to help out…
I might have eaten a worm or two about a year ago. It was only when I got to my last piece of mandarin that I noticed a worm, and he was looking at me, as if to say “why did you eat my family?”. I’ll never know what truly happened and I have to live with that! 🙂
Your comment made me snort coffee out of my nose.
Enough said.
Not to make it worse, but those moths are going to have to come out the other end. Be sure to text 2.0 when that happens. 🙂
Thank you, Sharon. For making me even more nervous…
I hate pantry moths. I have a separate freezer to store flours and grains in, which was the only way I could protect my baking stuff here in the humid south. And yes, I statistically have consumed some of them, but I do not want to think about it. I loved the not helpful comments about avoiding wool and beware of light bulbs! Awesome.
I’m thinking about sleeping in our freezer tonight.
Just in case.
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Yippie!! Thank you, thank you!
Hey wait, did we consider the idea that you might become a superhero? You could blind baddies with that weird powdery dust from your wings, and, em… infest their pantries? Also I just read that sentence back and it looked like I might have written something rude, and even though I didn’t it’s making me chuckle now. What were we talking about?
Yes. I am a superhero. Didn’t Spiderman eat a spider to get his super powers? PROBABLY. I’m going to use this to my advantage. I think there’s a gang causing problems down the street. Tonight, we dance…
hahah, sorry but 2.0’s comment made me laugh. I’m sure at the time it wasn’t funny at all! Eating moth eggs is a horrible experience and I’m sorry you will now associate fancy food with moths 🙁
Thanks, Anita! FYI, anytime 2.0 sees a moth – anywhere – he assumes it came out of me. That I’ve belched it out, that it’s the result of a cough, or that it flew out of an ear… sigh.
I ate a centipede for five dollars a few years ago. It had weird stringy innards.
Aside from this, I often find bugs in my produce. &I found a bunch yesterday when cleaning fiddleheads, which is understandable. One such unlucky fellow was a slug who I intended to take outside, but accidentally squished across the countertop. Sorry, buddy.
2.0 and I feel that the comments on this post are better than the actual post.
Well played.
I just read that in Scotland they have “midges.” Do you know what a midge is? You probably would, since it’s a distant cousin of the moth. The only difference is that midges are blood-sucky and smaller. Anyway, when we arrive there in a few days, it’s going to be the height of midge season, which is freaking fantastic, because that means we’ll have double the chance of eating midges by mistake, either in crackers or just by breathing. Maybe I’ll wear some kind of face scarf.
Anyway, I’m glad Mr. Rutherford is okay, and I hope you were wearing a cape when you saved him. These photos are off the hook, by the way. Especially the first one. That is some serious cupcake photography to be proud of.
There are midges here in Maine too. Old men were talking about them in heavy accents last summer, and we thought they were discussing how they kept their lights off at night to keep out the ‘ninjas.’
Emma, that comment made me snort extra hard.
Im dying reading this. Not that I don’t acknowledge that eating months would make me reenact that scene from Ace Ventura where he scrubs in disgust over his recent discovery with much much more drama, but that that is EXACTLY what my boyfriend would do. I would get 20 messages the day before about stupid things he found at Home Depot, but a life endangering moth consuming text from me would go ignored until he could brutally poke fun at me for it.
Im sorry you ate moths… you will have to let us know if the roofie helped. I would have totally tried the alcohol… just for my sanity.
[…] the food processor, then hey, you’re just eating dead ground-up bug eggs. And I know at least one of you has already done that. Wash and dry, […]
oh my gosh HOW HORRIFYING!!!! I know bugs are a regular part of life but…. YOU POOR THING!!! Thanks to Shannon @ apt for linking to your story btw 😉
Ha! I know I’m late to the party. but wow, just wow. This sounds so much like something my husband would do (not texting back, that is). And thank you, I am now totally paranoid about every box of crackers / cereal / chips in the house, and will have to dump them all out and pick through them before eating any for fear of ingesting moth larvae. Fun times.
Pantry moths are a bitch. Also, the grocery store is the number one source, so no one is safe. NO ONE.
Alcohol…. It works every time. You always make my day with your wonderful stories. #Movitarules
Thanks, Karen! #karenrulestoo
I think I remember reading this in 2012. And hey people actually eat larvae in other parts of the world on purpose. They just add a little bbq sauce or something.. I assume. Do you think 2.0 would respond quicker now?
Also on another note- I just found a print out of my first followers and you were #15- 5 years and 1 month ago. Thank you:)