slap chop

Last week, I received a call from a telemarketer, who informed me that I had been selected to receive one of two very special prizes: a year of roadside assistance or the Slap Chop. When I told her I already had roadside assistance and the Slap Chop, she seemed disappointed.

Telemarketer: But if you didn’t have them, which would you have picked?

movita: The Slap Chop.

Telemarketer: (long pause) Really?

movita: Yes. But we need the Graty.

Telemarketer: You know what roadside assistance is, right?

movita: Yup.

. . .

2.0 loves to golf, and by all accounts, he’s very good at it. He wins tournaments regularly, and has collected some pretty nifty prizes. But there have also been some crappy prizes over the years. Far too many tool bags, golf shirts and baseball hats.

One fall weekend, when 2.0 met me at work post-tournament, he had some good news. Finally, after a spell of particularly lacklustre acquisitions, he had secured a topnotch prize. He told me about it as we drove home.

2.0: I golfed really well today. I had a spectacular tee shot on the 18th. Three hundred and twenty four yards. Tiger Woods would have clapped for me.

movita: Wow! So you won?

2.0: Yup, and you won’t believe what I won for you.

movita: What?

2.0: A great prize!

movita: Tell me! Tell meeeeee!

2.0: It’s something we’ve wanted for a really long time. But I can’t tell you what it is, because I’m afraid you’ll pee in the car.

movita: I guess if we’re not allowed to eat in the new car, we can’t pee in the new car.

2.0: You got that right.

movita: Is it another travel mug?

2.0: Nope! Man, you’re going to be so happy!

After pulling into our driveway, 2.0 bolted from the car and ran round to the trunk. I stood waiting on the lawn with my eyes closed, as instructed. As he rummaged in the trunk, 2.0 told me that at some golf tournaments, the winner gets first crack at a selection of prizes. It’s a great way to ensure you get something you really want. 2.0 had looked at all of the prizes that afternoon – dvd players, coolers, barbecue sets, power tools – and quickly grabbed what he felt was the best prize on the table. As the victor, this was his earned right.

2.0 picked the Slap Chop.

movita: (grabbing the box) No way! This is awesome!

2.0: I know!

movita: I wanted to get one for your birthday, but couldn’t find one. That’s why I got you the iPod. But I know you really wanted the Slap Chop.

2.0: Let’s chop some onions!

movita: Maybe we should wait until we actually need something chopped – like when we’re cooking. You can help chop when I’m making the minestrone tomorrow night.

2.0: Yah! I’ll do that. I can’t wait!

movita: Let’s go in and take it out of the box! We’ll never have a boring tuna again!

2.0: We’re gunna slap away every day! This is the best day ever! (under his breath) All we need now is the Graty…

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  1. I so understand. My son who lives in Atlanta send me a Slap Chop AND a graty. I killed them both the first time I used them. I must be tough in the kitchen. I wanted it to be good so I could say I slapped the onions. Alas, fit for the rubbish.

    • We used ours once. It did not live up to Vince’s claims of making our lives exciting. It has not improved our tuna. Still, it was pretty exciting at the time!

  2. Movita, don’t even get me started on the slap chop. I received one as a gift years ago from someone who swore by how amazing the damn thing was. Couldn’t cut through a marshmallow. I did exactly like the frighteningly enthusiastic Vince does in those infomercials (I may have even uttered some of the catch phrases) and all it did was mangle my food. Then out of frustration I mangled the slap chop and went on living my life. (As for your font, I’ve never had a problem reading your blog! Just my two cents).

  3. I am laughing so hard right now. I watched the whole video and my boyfriend came over to see what was so funny. I had a generic slap chop-esque appliance growing up and we loved it, but I had never seen this infomercial. We read through your post together and about keeled over laughing. Thank you for making our morning!
    Taco, fettuccine, linguini, martini, bikini.

  4. They still make those things? You have to love how this guy makes you feel like a moron if you don’t own one. I’d get one, but me and my boy would probably use it to slap chop house hold items or tomato horn worms…Mellissa would kill me.

    • I’m betting Mellissa would have a lot to say about a good number of the things you and your boy get up to. But that’s just a hunch…

  5. CLEARLY the best prize of the lot! I have a rule that whenever I “win” something I should pick something I would never actually spend my money on, because if I’m going to buy it anyway WHAT’S THE FUN OF WINNING?

    Have you slapchopped all the things? how is he holding up? does he have a name yet? (sorry i assumed it was a boy, how presumptuous of me).

    OMG your next video should be YOU AND 2.0 MAKING A SLAPCHOP COMMERCIAL. Or just slapchopping random things in the slapchop. WHY HAVE YOU NOT DONE THIS YET!?!?

    • Natalie, the Slap Chop chopped, like, one onion. It chopped it badly. 2.0 and I can’t lend our fame to that sort of product. People look up to us. We’re basically the West-Kardashians of Canada.

  6. Pampered Chef has a similar product and most of the stuff you’ve slapped and chopped ends up in the blades… especially parsley, cilantro. It is good for some of my more high strung moments, though… which has probably kept me out of the slammer.

  7. I had a slap chop, long ago: someone sadistic person gave it to me i think as an engagement gift.

    It did NOT work as well as the infomercial said. And by “not as well,” i mean “couldn’t chop anything, ever, at all.” and i may have injured my hand in trying, soooo…