crap no. 14
Welcome to Crap I’ve Been Meaning To Tell You About, 14th Edition. Winter here has been unbearable. Storm after storm after storm. Snow, flooding, freezing. Halifax is encased in ice. It’s the worst kind of slip and slide. People are storm weary, and more snow is coming tomorrow. More snow is about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party. (I learned that saying from 2.0’s mummy.)
Back when the weather was warmer, a bird pooped on my head. During a Google search for advice on dealing with the situation, I learned that if you don’t dry your hair properly you can grow mold on your head. Have you guys ever had mold on your head? Do I need to start worrying about this? Never mind. I think about it all the time.
Speaking of keeping things clean, I haven’t had to buy shower gel in three years thanks to 2.0’s sister. Do you know what kind of pressure that takes off a woman? When you don’t have to decide how you’re going to smell? It is glorious.
One of my students insists on putting her hand up in the air in such a way that I always think she’s asking a question, but she really wants a high five. Nine times out of ten I walk away and leave her hangin’. Is that bullying? I’m worried I’m going to get fired.
In an effort to improve my French skills, I’ve been reading and speaking in French more. My adorable nieces, Pumpkin and Turnip, live in France after all. Have I told you that I have a nephew on the way? A Boy Beaucoup? Obviously, 2.0 and I are going to need to plan a European vacation.
2.0: Is Niles le chat noir et blanc? Or la chat noir et blanc?
movita: I dunno. Maybe il est un chat noir et blanc?
2.0: SEE? This is why we can’t ever go to Europe. We’d never be able to describe our cats to anyone.
Real life problems, people. Real life problems.
And that sill be when you pull out your iPhone to show les Parisians the dozen or so pics of your chat. Le. La or un!
Problem solved AND you’ve proven what a good investment that iPhone was!
I knew my iPhone was worth the money!!
I love “crap I’ve been meaning to tell you about.” Keep it up. Real life problems, so true.
Your crap is glorious!
Just a guess but I’m thinking no one in France is going to ask what your cats look like. So you are probably safe on that front. Meanwhile, I’m going to mail you a little book that I was sent to review. It’s adorable and useful, being all about food, how to order, where to buy it, in French! But most importantly, congratulations on your increasing AUNTHOOD. Un petit garçon!
Punch line of a bad joke about a particular type of bird pooping on your head “If the Foo sh*ts, wear it!”
You don’t need to be able to tell the frenchies what color your cats are. You just need to be able to tell them that your aunt has a red pen and that the green bus goes to Strasbourg.
Excellent point. And isn’t that what Google Translate is for?
Life is so hard. Happy Sunday.
You get me.
I thought people only ever referred to cats as “fur-babies” now anyway?
I went on a good 5-year streak never having to go into a Bath and Body Works store, because I had a SIL/MIL supplies store of my own in my linen closet. Finally starting to run low though.
Maybe you should start dropping hints? Or start showing up at family events all disheveled and stinky?
ok i’m all worried about having a moldy head now.
Yah. Once you start thinking about it, it’s hard to stop. Given the rain in your area, I’d seriously up the hairdryer use.
Ugh, more snow? It’s March 1 and we had our biggest snowfall of the season….but at least it’s above zero. C’mon spring!! Congrats on the impending birth of your nephew!
Should I say “Hello” from hot, sunny Hawke’s Bay, New Zealand – 30C (about 86F) here today:)
These are seriously some of my favorite installments on your blog. So much brilliance, all crammed into a few short paragraphs… you could compile this series into a book, and I would buy it in a heartbeat.
P.S., The Husband and I are leaving for Oregon in a couple of days to escape this horrid weather. We have a friend on the coast who keeps complaining to us about the “frigid 50 degree weather.” You’re welcome to join us.
Guurrrl, I love your crap.
Hey, want some Frenchie help? When we lived in Paris(that sounds waaaaaaay better than it was hahahaha) I needed to learn some French survival skills AKA how to order wine and a baguette. I learned with PODCASTS. Yeah, totally changed my life. Dramatic much or what?! Check out the Radio Lingua Network, COFFEE BREAK FRENCH. Game changer. Freaking awesome sauce.
Keep up the great crap. Let’s chat about that in the treehouse 🙂
Winter is why booze was invented.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This comment belongs to me…I’ve got her old iPad.
Matt, trust me: we all know when comments are you and not Mellissa, even if it looks like it’s from Mellissa. 🙂
Whenever I get my uncultured ass over to France, I’m going to simply type in the phrases that I want to say into my phone and have it translate for me, a la Stephen Hawking (there’s an app for that, right?!). Even if you use the wrong pronoun for your chat, at least you’ll smell glorious while doing so! Congrats on the wee little one on the way! This world definitely needs more Beaucoup.
ugh, the feminine and masculine rules of the French language haunt me TO THIS DAY (after years of French classes in school). I think it’s ‘le’ but i could be guessing. In fact i know i’m guessing. i think it’s all a total sham and that french people just guess and then make rules like they meant to say it that way, so i just go with what sounds more natural.
mold on your HEAD?? how the hell long would one’s hair have to be consistently wet in order to accomplish that? I mean, unless you showered and then immediately put on some sort of swimming cap and then kept it on…*shudders*
Wait, everyone in Europe doesn’t speak American? We speak American here .Can’t you just speak english REALLY LOUDLY at them until the understand about your cats?
Also, do I really have to start worrying about getting mold on my head? and why don’t you have to buy shower gel? I mean, do you use soap instead? You can’t just say something like “I havent had to buy shower gel in 2 years” then NOT say what you have substituted it with, can you? Hand soap? Shampoo? Butter? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS, GYPSY!
What is that yellow thing in your top pic between the butter and the sugar?
You know what’s less welcome than a skunk at a garden party? A skunk at 5am under our front porch. We’ve woken up twice now to skunk smell permeating our bedroom and second floor- i don’t know why it’s been spraying but we’re pretty sure it’s living under there because we’ve seen little muddy footprints in the snow going under the porch.
No matter what I write all I want to do is head to the mirror and check my head.