crap no. 22

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

2.0 and I finally finished the last season of Dexter on Netflix this week, and then they announced a possible comeback season. Okay, Television, you win. WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP UP.

I mentioned this once in a newsletter, but it continues to be a problem for me. Have you ever noticed that if you say, “Thanks a lot,” to someone too quickly, it sounds like you are actually saying, “Thanks, slut?” I can’t stop calling people sluts! Cashiers, people holding doors open, florists… I called a kid’s mother a slut at work last week!

Science done right:

2.0 and I almost broke up when the clocks changed last week. There was so much bickering that we had to spend a good portion of the day in separate rooms. There are only so many times I can hear, “But what’s the REAL time,” before I crack, you know?

I knew a boy in high school who used to take great delight in approaching McDonald’s trainees with an exuberant: “I’ll have a whistle dog and onion rings, please!” Typically, the poor kid behind the cash would frantically search the keyboard, apologizing for the unavailability of the non-existent items. My friend’s response was invariably, “Really? But I got some here yesterday…”  (He didn’t.)

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

The other night, 2.0’s niece texted me to ask 2.0 to call his mother. 2.0 looked at me like: what the hell? And I gave him a look back that said: I dunno, it’s your family. I assured him that the text said it wasn’t an emergency, but 2.0 called his mother pretty quickly just in case. Turns out his family would like us to bring them some chocolate the next time we come for a visit. To which I said: I guess it was an emergency! But 2.0 didn’t laugh.

save the curry| movita beaucoup

Speaking of emergencies, 2.0’s mummy and 2.0’s grammie are neighbours. They live right across the driveway from one another. Like, six steps apart. A couple of weeks ago, 2.0 stopped by to visit his mother after he finished a job in her neck of the woods. Midday, I received a phone call from him asking if I had his sister’s phone number, because his mother was missing.

movita: What do you mean missing?!

2.0: Well, I’m here at the house, and she’s gone. But the door was open. And her car is in the driveway. I don’t know where she is! My mom is missing!

movita: I’m not going to say a thing about the fact that you don’t have any of your relatives’ contact information in your phone.


movita: Okay, I’ve got your sister’s number. I think this is her cell…

2.0: Thanks.

movita: You checked at your grandmother’s house, right?

2.0: (silence)

movita: Because your mom’s car is in the driveway? And she visits your grammie all the time?

2.0: (long pause) No.


2.0: She would have seen me come up the driveway! She wouldn’t just watch me drive up the lane and not come out to see me. She loves me!

movita: Did she know you were coming?

2.0: (long pause) No.

movita: Has she ever seen your new work truck?

2.0: (long pause) No.

movita: So… she wouldn’t have been watching for you, and even if she happened to see you come up the driveway, it’s possible that she might have thought you were a friend of your Uncle’s? That you were some dude going up the hill to visit him?

2.0: I have to go now.

It’s a day in, day out job, people. On the plus side, 2.0’s mummy wasn’t missing, and was in fact, visiting with his grammie.

Story of my life:

I’ve been looking around the interwebs for some new blogs to read. Maybe you’ve got a suggestion or two that you could share in the comments? Bonus points if they’re funny! Side note, I now spend more time closing pop-ups on blogs than I do reading blogs. I GET IT. YOU HAVE A NEWSLETTER. No need to punch me in the wenis with it.


17 Responses to crap no. 22

  1. Tswish March 24, 2016 at 2:39 pm #

    I always, always, look forward to reading your hilarious crap!! :o)
    Thanks Slut, for writing it! hehe!!

    • movita beaucoup March 24, 2016 at 8:44 pm #

      Well played. Well played, indeed…

  2. Willow | Will Cook For Friends March 24, 2016 at 7:32 pm #

    Well there you have it. Just another reason to hate daylight savings — it ruins relationships. Also, I wish I could help with finding new funny blogs to read, but you’re the funniest place on the interwebs that I’m aware of. Not sure I can be much help. Also also, I agree completely with all the newsletter pop-up business, but would like to add the “thanks for visiting” pop-ups, and the “don’t leave!” pop-ups when I move my curser towards the little x. You pretty much summed up my feelings for pop-ups with your statement about wenis’s, so thank you for that.

  3. Liz Weber Berg March 25, 2016 at 3:27 pm #

    LOL, you just can’t make this kind of stuff up.

  4. Lynne Knowlton (@lynneknowlton) March 26, 2016 at 7:47 pm #

    Thanks, slut! That was the best blog post in the history of ever. Okay, okay. I love all your posts. I almost had a cardiac arrest when you announced that you may stop blogging. Legit. Hospitalization shock.

    Still DYING laughing… I GET IT. YOU HAVE A NEWSLETTER. No need to punch me in the wenis with it.

    Dying. Dying.

    PS. I love you Movi.

  5. Lan | MoreStomach March 27, 2016 at 3:34 pm #

    i started unfollowing a lot of food bloggers, again. and then i got bored and started up with a few lifestyle (i hate that word) and fashion blogs:
    Un-Fancy –
    the lazy genius collective –

    oh. i thought i followed more. but in actuality, not really. sorry.

    • movita beaucoup April 1, 2016 at 8:50 am #

      GORGEOUS blogs! I haven’t purchased clothing since 2002, but will refer to these recommendations should I ever be in need.

  6. Elizabeth March 28, 2016 at 7:47 pm #

    Do you read Amalah? ( Technically it’s a mom/family blog, but mostly it’s just hilarious. Currently slightly sad story about old dog, but her oven fire story ( and the time a bird got in the house ( still have me laughing 5 years later.

    Ugh. Five years. I thought it was like a year or two ago. I’m old now.

    • movita beaucoup April 1, 2016 at 9:06 am #

      Okay, I just read those two stories and I’m hooked! (Adulting is so hard.) Thanks, Elizabeth!

  7. natalie @ wee eats March 28, 2016 at 11:54 pm #

    if it makes you feel any better, we STILL haven’t finished dexter. although, i kinda gave up at the end of season four i think? how many are there total, anyway?

    i did finally catch up with House of Cards, though, so…. it kinda works out, right?

    and what EVER will we do with these boys!?

    • movita beaucoup April 1, 2016 at 9:08 am #

      Eight seasons of Dexter. It took us the better part of a year. It’s a huge commitment, Natalie. As for House of Cards, we watched the first episode of Season 4, found it confusing because Season 3 was so long ago, and haven’t returned. DAMN YOU, UNDERWOOD.

      • emma April 12, 2016 at 10:22 pm #

        if it makes you feel any better better, i haven’t even started dexter.

  8. Stephbo March 29, 2016 at 1:29 am #

    “It’s a day in, day out job, people.”

    No joke, sister! That damn Y chromosome requires some serious work. I tell my husband all the time that I don’t need kids because I already have a 48 year old kid.

    • movita beaucoup April 1, 2016 at 9:20 am #

      I seem to remember finding this blog ages ago, and then losing it. That post on her grandmother? Brilliant! Thanks for finding this blog for me again – I’ve put it in my Feedly, safe and sound.

  9. shannon April 5, 2016 at 8:39 am #

    Netflix wins every time: you can’t beat it because it will JUST KEEP COMING UP WITH THINGS FOR YOU TO WATCH. I keep landing in the hole of British crime shows: all i know is i started watching Happy Valley b/c Sarah Lancashire was in it, loved it, and Netflix suddenly displayed all these wonderful shows i can’t live without. Like Luther. Like River. I’ll never sleep AGAIN.

    And Dexter! I fell off on that years ago but now? Now i have to return to it, after i reach the end of…British television?

    My bet was that the cat wouldn’t walk on the foil, but clearly i was wrong.

    Daylight Savings Time is. the. worst. Mr. Table spends a WEEK convinced he needs extra special relaxing time just because he woke up that “hour early” and yes: here it’s “but it’s really (insert old time here)” for at least 3 days. it’s insane and normally I just stop speaking to him.

    i have missed you and your crap, my friend.

  10. emma April 12, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

    moral of this crappy story, men are the best! at least they say out loud what i spend half the year thinking to myself in regards to time change (and then the other half of the year once it changes again)

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