crap no. 29

Let’s get back to our regularly scheduled programming! (Thanks for all of your kind words, guys.)

Have I ever told you that growing up I thought my grandfather was Bing Crosby, and that he concealed his true identity in order to have a normal life when he wasn’t making movies and stuff? I was also convinced that I’d be a suitable replacement for Wonder Woman once she reached retirement age. (I was a rare and simpleminded flower.)

Can we talk about this commercial for a minute? Because whenever it comes on the television I LOSE MY SHIT.

What is up with that nincompoop? If I had a pile of puppies, I’d count how many puppies were in that pile. I certainly wouldn’t drive off without one of them. WHO LEAVES A PUPPY IN A FIELD? Put the puppies in your Subaru, asswipe! The commercial has a description that reads: Watch the 2017 Subaru Forester prove that determination conquers all. WHAT? No. Determination conquered nothing. I’m betting that when that man got home his wife said, “Where are the puppies?” and then yelled at him for leaving them to conquer stuff with their determination. Which makes it all the more enraging when that same man acts like a goddamned hero when he retrieves the dog he abandoned. Oh, and then he drives by all of the other puppies and their mama STILL trying to get home!

I HATE THAT MAN.

(phone rings)

movita: Hello?

2.0: Hey, honey!

movita: Hi!

2.0: Did you get my message?

movita: No… what message?

2.0: I sent you a message this morning.

movita: Nope. I didn’t get a message.

2.0: Really? Are you sure? I called at about 6:30 am?

movita: Nope. I was here. No call.

2.0: I wonder who I called then? Who got my message?

movita: I’m not sure, honey. But I’m sure someone is very confused right now.

2.0: Yah… Hey, did you find something in the house?

movita: I don’t think so.

2.0: Downstairs? Did you find something downstairs?

movita: No. I didn’t find anything. Did you leave something for me? Is that why you called?

2.0: Yes. Well, actually I called because I forgot my cell phone at the house this morning. So I used Ryan’s phone to call you.

movita: I know. I heard you come back for it.

2.0: That wasn’t me.

movita: But I heard you downstairs…

2.0: That wasn’t me. It was Ryan. I gave him my keys.

movita: But… I was here. In bed.

2.0: You didn’t hear him?

movita: Oh, I heard him. I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU.

2.0: That’s funny.

movita: So… I was supposed to find –

2.0: Ryan. You were supposed to find Ryan in the house.

AND THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR (CLEAN) PYJAMAS TO BED.

We’ve had to make a lot of adjustments in recent weeks, and with the arrival of Dorey came the relocation of Effie and Niles’ litter boxes to my beloved craft room. This has meant constant dusting and sweeping, and may have lead to a little meltdown the other day. So, yesterday 2.0 gifted me with the sketch above. Once the final plans have been drafted, some carpenters are going to build me a Litter Gitter! Cleverly designed to look like a window bench, it has a lid that lifts for scooping, and a house-shaped entryway for kitty access. Litter and dust will be kept within its walls, and the kitties shall enjoy optimal privacy whilst doing their business. Isn’t it glorious? It almost makes up for letting a strange man roam our house the other morning…

I feel this video best summarizes my work life these days:

A number of you have indicated that you would like to see more competitions here. Actually some of you have mentioned that you’d like to see a competition EVERY MONTH. What the? I’m not even gunna get started on the work that goes into organizing these freakin’ competitions. And who’s going to pay for the prizes? WHO? Dorey? She doesn’t even have a job yet! Still, I think you guys are A-OK. So if you want more competitions, let’s have more competitions! But I’m running short on inspiration. Have you got some clever ideas? Leave ’em in the comments, geniuses.

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