crap no. 34

crap // movita beaucoup

On a lovely day in September, 2.0 turned to me and asked, “Is today my sister’s anniversary?”

I patiently replied with, “Well, she got married on your birthday.”

He stood there staring at me until I further clarified with, “TODAY’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY, HONEY.”

Rosie Beaucoup likes to lecture her adult children about all sorts of obvious things, and recently made the mistake of lecturing my brother about Christmas tree safety. Naturally, I spent the next afternoon carefully decorating my tree just for her.

crap // movita beaucoup

2.0 has a flip phone for work that looks like it’s from 1996. When it went on the fritz just before the holidays, 2.0 was told that his company will probably give him a smartphone to replace it. When he found out he said, “Just wait until I get my ephone honey! It’ll be the best!” So now the man who doesn’t know how to send a webpage via email will be in possession of a handheld computer. I think we all know how this is going to work out.

Kitty update: Effie is still alive. (I don’t know how, okay? Stop asking.) Dorey and Niles have been hanging out in the basement together and no one has sustained any injuries or hurt feelings. So, Christmas miracles all round.

crap // movita beaucoup

Though I’m quite sweary in real life, I have managed to avoid cursing in front of my students for 25 years. Then, three weeks ago, it happened. The studio floor was slippery in places and two of my most pure and innocent students advised me to avoid the area. I meant to respond to their warning with: yes, there are some really slippery patches there! But instead I said: yah, there are some real slippery bitches in here. WHYYYYYYYY?

Bad news: someone already published a book called I Love You With All My Butt. Even badder news: it was written by little children. Now I don’t know if I should write my memoir. I mean, what would I even call it? (I’m actually asking. Please advise.)

crap // movita beaucoup

My neighbours (Dawn and Joan) and I witnessed an altercation in front of our houses which involved one asshole trying to kill another asshole. (Awkward sentence much?) At first it seemed like a road rage situation, but it became apparent that they knew each other and had tried to kill one another on more than one occasion. As we stood in the street, Joan insisted that I call 911 because I guess she believes assholes should be allowed to live long lives just like the rest of us.

I called 911 and the operator started asking me A LOT of questions. I responded with helpful information like:

  • I dunno.
  • A Ford? No, Toyota. A Chevy? It might be a Chevy. Or a Nissan?
  • Brown. No, wait! Blonde.
  • Big. He’s very big.

The 911 operator was on his 74th question when the extra violent dude drove off and I said, “Oh! Oh! The man in the truck is driving away!”

And the operator asked, “Which way?”

So I said, “Down the hill!”

And the operator asked, “North? South? I need a direction.”

And I said: “Really? Come on, guy. Look at your computer screen! Google map my location. YOU TELL ME THE DIRECTION!”

Do people generally know these things in an emergency? Coordinates and cardinal directions? I felt like he wanted me to say, “46 degrees, 39 minutes, 27 seconds north and 67 degrees, 38 minutes, 10 seconds west, sir.”

I’ve gotta start carrying a compass.

crap // movita beaucoup

And finally, 2.0 gave me a ukulele for Christmas. I’ve offered to play at a couple of family gatherings but so far I’ve been asked to leave my miniature guitar at home.

15 Comments

  1. Richard Payne on December 28, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    Your memoire could be entitled “The POINT of it All”

    • movita beaucoup on December 29, 2017 at 9:25 am

      Ha! Like pointe shoes! I’m picking up what you’re puttin’ down!

  2. sublimedelightss on December 28, 2017 at 3:19 pm

    Your posts make me laugh on every level. There is a stand-up comedy ballet routine in there some where. Good on Effie!

    • movita beaucoup on December 29, 2017 at 9:26 am

      If only I didn’t fear public speaking with ever fibre of my body!

  3. lawrunner on December 28, 2017 at 4:23 pm

    The 911 call is priceless!

  4. thatskinnychickcanbake on December 28, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    I can’t wait until all the book names start rolling in! Happy New Year!!!

  5. Joan on December 28, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    You always manage to entertain us lol. We may book you for ukelele playing at our next party. So Niles and Dorey hanging out in Dorey’s domain. Progress

    • movita beaucoup on December 29, 2017 at 9:28 am

      We’ve been letting Niles down to visit Dorey for a few days now. She gives him the occasional hiss, but doesn’t seem overly stressed. We figured it was our only option since she cries like she’s in a bear trap if we bring her upstairs! Fingers crossed!

      As for the ukulele concert: I DO know four chords!

  6. Eva Lalonde on December 28, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    A uke! Priceless!

  7. DogsDontPurr on December 28, 2017 at 8:45 pm

    I once called 911 and the disgruntled dispatcher couldn’t find my address in his system, so I gave him my zipcode. He snottily replied, “Ma’am…this isn’t the POST OFFICE!!”

    (To be fair, Los Angeles has many confusing neighborhood boundaries. Also, my address was 405 Culver which was very close to the 405 freeway. But still…you’d think 911 would have google! Ha!)

    • movita beaucoup on December 29, 2017 at 9:30 am

      I’m convinced that the 911 operators are looking at a map the entire time they’re talking to us. If television shows have taught me anything, that is!

  8. Bonnie on December 29, 2017 at 1:39 pm

    A uke…now you can play uke duets with HJ. Ukes are great. I use mine, with my choir no less. As for a book title, I’m still thinking. Sounds like you are having a bit of fun with the kitties. Do you want me to send Aslan? Don’t answer that….. 🙂 Happy New Year.

  9. Ignorant Bystander on December 29, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    The Shit With Which I Put Up

    A Handy Map to Where Most of the Bodies Are Buried

    If You Persist, Your Behaviour Will End Up In My Memoir

    The Unfolding Of The Prophecy, Thus Far…

    This…All This Is Why I Drink

    • movita beaucoup on December 31, 2017 at 9:21 am

      This list is glorious. Maybe I WILL write my memoir!

      Or maybe you should write it?

  10. thejoyousfamily on January 10, 2018 at 5:03 pm

    I am in love with 2.0 will you share. Book title My Life with 2.0 a mass of cats and other crap.

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