crap no. 13

Welcome to Crap I’ve Been Meaning To Tell You About, 13th Edition.

Know what makes me super uncomfortable? People trying to look cool whilst dancing at weddings in their dress up clothes. Can we put an end to this?

Regrettably true story: I was well into university before I found out that seahorses actually exist (thanks, Seahorse Tavern), and aren’t some sort of made up, mythological creature. Next you’ll be telling me that fireflies are real! Just kidding. That’s preposterous.

sprinkles | movita beaucoup

I got a new iPhone. It is magnificent. And the day I got my new phone, I also got a year of my life back.

I've just spent the past hour calculating and recalculating my age. I thought I was 43. Have thought so for months. My new iPhone just told me I'm 42. I JUST GOT A YEAR BACK! What to do, what to do…

Posted by movita beaucoup on Tuesday, January 6, 2015

I still feel like I need to do something epic to celebrate, but haven’t come up with anything other than eating a huge bag of Doritos. I’m open to suggestions.

2.0 has finished Candy Crush. All 800 levels. Without spending a dime. This achievement has made him almost impossible to live with, as I can feel him sympathy staring at me when I’m trying to get past a level I’ve been stuck on for three weeks. (Which is every level.)

books | movitabeaucoup.com

In December, two autographed books arrived on my doorstep, compliments of my sister. I worship at the alter of Amy Poehler, so knowing that she had touched my book (and possibly left behind finger DNA) sent me off the deep end. And then I opened the cover of Andrea Martin’s book:

lady parts | movita beaucoup

We’ll probably start brunching next week.

Effie the Cat has been a little under the weather for the past several months, as she is having some thyroid problems. She lost a lot of weight, and after medicine failed to fix the problem, we put her on a new, fancy thyroid-fixing food. We take her to the vet frequently for check ups and weigh-ins, and I think she’s feeling a lot better these days.

Dr. Hollinger: Effie has put on 4 ounces! That doesn’t sound like a lot, but for a cat, it’s very good news.

movita: This is wonderful! Good job, kitty!

2.0 smiles awkwardly, looks Dr. Hollinger up and down, and doesn’t seem very excited at all. Dr. Hollinger leaves the room to check on Effie’s blood work.

movita: Honey? Isn’t it exciting? Effie put on 4 ounces!

2.0: Unless Dr. Hollinger put on 4 ounces.

movita: 

2.0: It’s POSSIBLE. I mean, lots of people put on a little weight over the holidays. She still looks great!

movita: You know Dr. Hollinger doesn’t get on the scale WITH Effie, right?

Every day, people. EVERY. DAY.

24 Comments

  1. ibreatheimhungry on January 31, 2015 at 9:26 am

    I love reading these “crap” posts SO MUCH. I can’t even comment specifically on each of the subjects or this would turn into the longest comment in blog comment history! Glad Effie is feeling better though! Hooray for new iphones! I love mine too, and though it didn’t give me a year of my life back, I quit playing Candy Crush which is almost the same thing…

    • movita beaucoup on February 1, 2015 at 9:39 am

      All of my crap is for you, Mellissa. ALL OF IT.

  2. shannon on January 31, 2015 at 9:36 am

    i just like it when one of these posts arrives in my feed and i think, “wow: movita has just finished her 13th crap. good for her!”

    it’s simply a pleasant way to begin my day.

    • movita beaucoup on February 1, 2015 at 9:40 am

      Working on my 14th crap, Shannon. Can’t wait to… show you.

  3. thatskinnychickcanbake on January 31, 2015 at 9:42 am

    I’d hate to be the one in charge of weighing cats :/ Glad Effie is putting on some pounds!

  4. Stacy on January 31, 2015 at 10:08 am

    One whole year back is the best gift ever! I am asking for a year back next year and every year! Go, Effie, go!

  5. Bonnie on January 31, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    Never thought I’d say something like this, but “Your crap is really funny! Glad you got back a year, because that means I do too.

  6. Maureen | Orgasmic Chef on January 31, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    Your crap is my treasure. I don’t know what I’d do with an extra year out of the blue like that. Maybe you should take that year off and write a book.

    • movita beaucoup on February 1, 2015 at 9:44 am

      This is an excellent idea, Maureen! Now, we just have to convince 2.0 that love can cover my portion of the household bills…

  7. Laureen Fox on February 1, 2015 at 12:10 am

    Movita, best bits of crap on the interwebs. Nice one on getting a year back (wish my phone could do that), you have the BEST sister and I’m glad to hear Effie is on the mend. The silence after 2.0’s comment about Dr Hollinger … laughed out loud imagining the look he got … right?

    • movita beaucoup on February 3, 2015 at 8:39 am

      I believe that I almost dropped to the floor when 2.0 made his statement. And then I laaaaaaauuuughed….

  8. Matt on February 1, 2015 at 11:32 am

    I am ahead of the curve…I don’t dance, period. Ever. Especially at weddings. The only way I would cut the rug, is if there was a circle of guests firing pistols at my feet while my pants were on fire. Wedding are for the drinks, food and sneaking into the bar area with other non(smart)dancers are hiding out during the chicken dance, watching some random sports game.

    • movita beaucoup on February 3, 2015 at 8:40 am

      This is an excellent strategy, Matt. Not the getting shot-at part, the hiding part.

  9. karen on February 1, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    God..I LOVE your crap!!

  10. P.Kitty on February 1, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    hearting you always.

    PK

    • movita beaucoup on February 3, 2015 at 8:41 am

      GAH! I heart you so hard!

  11. kerrycooks on February 2, 2015 at 8:38 am

    Glad Effie is feeling better!

  12. emma on February 2, 2015 at 11:47 am

    what about those of us who just really like to dance in our fancy clothes at weddings and don’t have time to worry about who’s watching? how do you feel about us?

    • movita beaucoup on February 2, 2015 at 1:10 pm

      Not good, Emma. Bring a change of clothes and then get yer freak on.

      • emma on February 2, 2015 at 10:07 pm

        you clearly don’t understand how rarely i get to dress up, or brush my hair, or be around people who aren’t truckers.

        • movita beaucoup on February 3, 2015 at 6:54 am

          How about you just wear your truckin’ clothes to weddings? I’d totally get on board with that!

  13. karen on February 2, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    I’m also glad Effie is doing better…2.0 knows the doctor is suspect! Good for him! Movita, have you danced at a wedding in your dress clothes before? LOL

    • movita beaucoup on February 3, 2015 at 8:42 am

      Sadly, yes. There has been dress up dancing. It is the WORST!

  14. wee eats on February 6, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Aw I’m so excited for Effie’s 4oz! How are you liking your books? I’m a little over halfway through Amy Poehler’s presently 🙂

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