Since September 2008, I have listened to 2.0 grumble about Phil Mickelson. For those of you who don’t hear his name hissed from between clenched teeth regularly, Phil Mickelson is a professional golfer. And 2.0 loathes him.
When you live with a golfer, you learn a lot about the game. The first thing I learned was: when Phil Mickelson comes on television, 2.0 will bristle like a crazed baboon. It struck me as odd, because 2.0 is never nasty or callous. I asked repeatedly about the origins of his distain, but the answer was always vague. Honestly? I kind of liked Phil. He seemed nice, was obviously talented, and hadn’t been involved with any sort of pants-down scandal that I was aware of. Still, 2.0 had nothing nice to say about Phil Mickelson.
Things came to a head last year, as we watched yet another weekend tournament on television. Phil Mickelson was doing well, and 2.0 was freaking out.
(Phil Mickelson prepares to make a putt.)
2.0: (under his breath) Miss it. Jinx. Miss it, Phil Mickelson!
movita: (pressing pause on the tv) Enough. I can’t take this any more. I need you to explain why you despise Phil so damn much.
2.0: I just do. Look at him. He’s awful.
movita: Is this because he’s beating Tiger? That’s not a good reason to hate someone.
2.0: NO. It’s because he’s horrible. LOOK AT HIM.
movita: No. Not good enough. What happened between you and Phil? If I have to listen to this every weekend, I need to know why you hate him. Why WE should hate him.
2.0: (long pause) Fine. (sighing as he looks toward the ceiling) The Fist Pump.
movita: What’s that now?
2.0: HIS FIST PUMP.
movita: He fist pumps wrong?
2.0: When Phil Mickelson won the Masters in 2004, he did the most ridiculous fist pump of all time. It was so embarrassing. I can’t stand him. That awful, awful fist pump.
According to Wikipedia:
The fist pump is a celebratory gesture in which a fist is raised before the torso and subsequently drawn down and nearer to the body in a vigorous, swift motion. The fist pump is sometimes carried out in parts of the Western Hemisphere, Europe, and Japan (where it is known as guts pose) to denote enthusiasm, exuberance, or success and may be accompanied by a similarly energetic exclamation or vociferation. The gesture may be executed once or in a rapid series.
This is important to note as you watch this video below. For with the tournament still on pause, I looked up Phil’s 2004 fist pump:
As Phil jumped into the air, I could feel 2.0’s body stiffen on the couch beside me.
2.0: There! There! Did you see? AAAHHH! IT’S INFURIATING!
movita: Honey, that ain’t no fist pump. That’s a star jump.
movita: See? He propels his body into the air, extending his arms and legs out to form a star. Classic star jump.
2.0: (exhaling) I hate him even more now.
Let’s take a closer look, shall we? I found the photo above on Phil Mickelson’s website, with an article titled Leap Of Destiny: 2004 Master, by Brian Wacker. The photo, FYI, was uploaded as: phil-mickelson-masters-spread-eagle. Not: phil-mickelson-masters-fist-pump.
Because that’s a star jump.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. That star jump? That celebratory launch of his body into the air? Probably not the best reason to be mad at someone. But I once broke up with a man when I walked into his apartment and found decorative plates on the walls. You’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.
Carry on, 2.0. Carry on.