on celebratory gestures

Since September 2008, I have listened to 2.0 grumble about Phil Mickelson. For those of you who don’t hear his name hissed from between clenched teeth regularly, Phil Mickelson is a professional golfer. And 2.0 loathes him.

photo: hunter martin/getty images {click through to source}

photo: hunter martin/getty images {click through to source}

When you live with a golfer, you learn a lot about the game. The first thing I learned was: when Phil Mickelson comes on television, 2.0 will bristle like a crazed baboon. It struck me as odd, because 2.0 is never nasty or callous. I asked repeatedly about the origins of his distain, but the answer was always vague. Honestly? I kind of liked Phil. He seemed nice, was obviously talented, and hadn’t been involved with any sort of pants-down scandal that I was aware of. Still, 2.0 had nothing nice to say about Phil Mickelson.

Things came to a head last year, as we watched yet another weekend tournament on television. Phil Mickelson was doing well, and 2.0 was freaking out.

(Phil Mickelson prepares to make a putt.)

2.0: (under his breath) Miss it. Jinx. Miss it, Phil Mickelson!

movita: (pressing pause on the tv) Enough. I can’t take this any more. I need you to explain why you despise Phil so damn much.

2.0: I just do. Look at him. He’s awful.

movita: Is this because he’s beating Tiger? That’s not a good reason to hate someone.

2.0: NO. It’s because he’s horrible. LOOK AT HIM.

movita: No. Not good enough. What happened between you and Phil? If I have to listen to this every weekend, I need to know why you hate him. Why WE should hate him.

2.0: (long pause) Fine. (sighing as he looks toward the ceiling) The Fist Pump.

movita: What’s that now?


movita: He fist pumps wrong?

2.0: When Phil Mickelson won the Masters in 2004, he did the most ridiculous fist pump of all time. It was so embarrassing. I can’t stand him. That awful, awful fist pump.

photo: chris condon/pga tour {click through to source}

photo: chris condon/pga tour {click through to source}

According to Wikipedia:

The fist pump is a celebratory gesture in which a fist is raised before the torso and subsequently drawn down and nearer to the body in a vigorous, swift motion. The fist pump is sometimes carried out in parts of the Western Hemisphere, Europe, and Japan (where it is known as guts pose) to denote enthusiasm, exuberance, or success and may be accompanied by a similarly energetic exclamation or vociferation. The gesture may be executed once or in a rapid series.

This is important to note as you watch this video below. For with the tournament still on pause, I looked up Phil’s 2004 fist pump:

As Phil jumped into the air, I could feel 2.0’s body stiffen on the couch beside me.

2.0: There! There! Did you see? AAAHHH! IT’S INFURIATING!

movita: Honey, that ain’t no fist pump. That’s a star jump.


movita: See? He propels his body into the air, extending his arms and legs out to form a star. Classic star jump.

2.0: (exhaling) I hate him even more now.

phil mickelson masters spread eagle

{click through to source}

Let’s take a closer look, shall we? I found the photo above on Phil Mickelson’s website, with an article titled Leap Of Destiny: 2004 Master, by Brian Wacker. The photo, FYI, was uploaded as: phil-mickelson-masters-spread-eagle. Not: phil-mickelson-masters-fist-pump.

Because that’s a star jump.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That star jump? That celebratory launch of his body into the air? Probably not the best reason to be mad at someone. But I once broke up with a man when I walked into his apartment and found decorative plates on the walls. You’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.

Carry on, 2.0. Carry on.

22 Responses to on celebratory gestures

  1. Emmalina March 15, 2015 at 11:45 am #

    Decorative plates?! He’s lucky you didn’t shoot him.

    • movita beaucoup March 15, 2015 at 12:25 pm #

      Also, Speedo bathing suits. He was into them.

      • emmalina73 March 16, 2015 at 6:32 pm #

        That this man still walks the earth is a testament to your saintliness. Also makes being annoyed at a golfer seem totally not worth worrying about.

  2. Michelle March 15, 2015 at 11:58 am #

    I was actually hoping for something more horrendous or mortifying. Just a star jump? A completely merited, normal-guy star jump? Huh. Well, maybe 2.0 is particularly manly, and star jumps just don’t fall into that category? But the plates on the walls. That is a deal breaker no matter what. Much more indicative of someone’s personality (or psychosis) than a star jump. I hope you ran out of there.

  3. IgnorantBystander March 15, 2015 at 12:05 pm #

    Let it go.

    Obsessing about The Jazz Hands Of Phil Mickelson is small potatoes when compared to the lunacy of

    a) playing golf
    b) watching golf on TV

    Even though it’s a colossal waste…er…investment of time and money, I can at least somewhat understand the attraction of PLAYING golf. I will never be able to understand why anyone would watch other people playing golf ON TV.

    *whack* (extended shot of a white ball on a blue sky background, with no way to tell anything about the trajectory) “Ooooooooo!”

    Seriously? This is the best way to spend like 4 hours of prime weekend time? On purpose?

    • movita beaucoup March 15, 2015 at 12:22 pm #

      In short: YES. Mostly because I’d far rather watch golf on tv than play it. (It facilitates the wearing of pyjamas and consumption of potato chips.)

  4. Margaret March 15, 2015 at 1:38 pm #

    2.0 needs to get over it. Phil is my hero and a good guy besides. Let him dislike the ex boyfriend instead. He obviously has nothing going for him.

    • movita beaucoup March 15, 2015 at 2:26 pm #

      To each his own, Margaret. Hating a star jump is no worse than hating decorative plates.

  5. hunnyscoots March 15, 2015 at 7:21 pm #

    I almost snorted cereal milk out of my nose as I just read this. Much cooler than Phil’s star jump/fist pump.

  6. Maureen | Orgasmic Chef March 15, 2015 at 7:54 pm #

    The sheer exuberance of that jump makes me want to do something that would make me that happy. Just once. 🙂

    • movita beaucoup March 15, 2015 at 10:42 pm #

      Since learning that 2.0 hates star jumps, I do them ALL THE TIME. It makes me that happy…

  7. thatskinnychickcanbake March 15, 2015 at 9:23 pm #

    Your conversations with 2.0 are sure a lot more entertaining than mine with the hubby. Who knew a fist pump involved jumping???

    • movita beaucoup March 15, 2015 at 10:42 pm #

      Oh, Liz. It doesn’t. Which makes me think that you and 2.0 would get along just fine…

  8. Karen @ Karen's Kitchen Stories March 16, 2015 at 2:10 am #

    OMG, I love Phil Michelson. I have the same issues with folks who hate Pete Carroll, my future husband (although he does not know that).

    • movita beaucoup March 17, 2015 at 7:23 am #

      I have the same issues with people who walk slowly at the grocery store. It makes me feel so VIOLENT.

      I wonder if Pete Carroll does star jumps?

  9. chill7474 March 16, 2015 at 11:24 am #

    Trust me when I say I have disliked people for much less than a fist pump…errr…star jump. Case in point: someone I know signs off their emails with “Thanx, eh!” [skin crawl] As you were, 2.0.

    • movita beaucoup March 17, 2015 at 7:25 am #

      Why would anyone end an email that way? WHY? Use of LOL irks me in the same way. Mostly because I doubt the person is actually laughing out loud.

  10. Nancy @ gottagetbaked March 16, 2015 at 9:27 pm #

    I read “golf” and then my eyes started to glaze over. Thankfully I forced myself to read the rest of this post and was thoroughly rewarded. That still shot of Mickelson’s star jump is gold. I won’t mock 2.0 for his irrational hatred of the man since I also irrationally hate many people in the world. Hate on, 2.0. Hate on!

    • movita beaucoup March 17, 2015 at 7:27 am #

      I’m the queen of irrational hatred. For example: people who think irregardless is a word, men who wear elastic cuffed sweatpants, and slow walkers.

      Maybe I should try to be nicer?

  11. shannon March 20, 2015 at 1:07 pm #

    I enjoy picturing 2.0 bristled up like an angry baboon: thank you for the visual, and I mean that.

    also, that’s totally a star jump: don’t cheerleaders do that as part of their “hey when we’re not doing a routine, do spontaneous jumping” selections? I feel like i’ve done one of those a time or two in my life, and i’ve never meant it as a fist bump. although, i see 2.0’s point: technically speaking, the hands should have the fingers outstretched, because spirit/star fingers…it would complete the jump. the hands clenched…not so much. it’s like a leaping double fist air-punch then. with golf club clasp. just saying, if we’re going to get technical about it, and technical seems to be what 2.0 is mainly concerned with.

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