crap no. 27
I’m trying to fill my heart with love and no judgement, but idiots keep doing stupid things, so it’s not working out very well. As a result, I’ve spent the past week painting teeny-tiny things to keep myself out of jail. Also, it took me about two hours to make that ridiculous photo up there, so you Americans had better be grateful when I distract you from whatever the hell is going on down there this December.
Do you guys play Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector? It’s a Japanese game for… collecting cats. AND IT’S AWESOME. Look it up. I’ve been self-soothing with it all week.
2.0 has spent the past five months travelling for work, so most of our communication has happened by phone. One evening he was quite late calling, so I asked if he had been at a wild party. “Yes,” he said, “I was at a rage.” I like to offer constructive criticism whenever possible, so I said, “I think you mean either: I was at a rager, or I was at a rave.” “Yes,” he said, “I was at a raver.” Which is exactly why I never worry about 2.0 finding another woman to live with.
We ran out of candy on Halloween. We actually had to turf a single teeny-tiny chocolate bar out into a crowd of nine kids and then slam the door shut. We spent the rest of the evening with the lights out, crawling past the front window whenever we needed something from the living room. We were caught off guard because we carefully track the number of trick-or-treaters we get every year, and haven’t had more than 40 since we started keeping tabs seven years ago. This year, double that number showed up. It was a real shit show.
In case you’re wondering, we keep costume stats as well. For example, in 2015 we had 40 kids begging at our door, nine of which fell into the category of Zero Goddamned Costume, and four classified as Something Under a Coat. There were also four cats, a squirrel, and two sluts. In 2016 – before we had to hide – we were on track to beat a Zero Goddamned Costume record. By 7 pm, we had six kids categorized as Lazy Teen/No Costume, and about seven listed as New to Canada/No Costume. We figured the latter might have parents confused by the entire concept of Halloween, and didn’t want to categorize those kids as Lazy or Zeroes, because it seemed racist. On the plus side, there were three unicorns and absolutely no sluts.
And finally, my mother and I have been secretly eating Asian food when we go shopping. As in: we haven’t been telling Bill Beaucoup or 2.0. It’s kind of nice to get that off my chest.
OH MY GOD YOU KILL ME! Nearly peed myself this time….slugs. …snort!
I tell you…kindred spirits we are!
i’ve cried more times than i care to admit this week. i needed this.
I aim to please, Lan.
Downloading the kitty collector right now.
Thanks for more crap. xxoo
…..all I can say is….I LOVE your crap! It floats my boat. :o)
Wish we could share some of our Halloween leftovers with you. We have M&M’s up the wazoo!!
Thank you for your crap humor after a gut-wrenching week. My daughter asked Wednesday morning if we could move to Canada. I said if I had a job lined up, sure. But I don’t, so I’ll tough it out, and eargerly await ginger & crap “treat”ises to brighten up my day.
I’m glad painting tiny things kept you out of jail, but is it wrong that the first thought that occurred to me upon seeing your shiny little trees was how sharp they look? There are a few eyes I’d like to use them on. It’s kind of nice to get THAT off my chest. What a week! Thanks for cheering us all up.
Bad news: I think the trees might not be super effective for plunging into eyes. I think they are a little too bendy. I’ll work on some sort of sword craft to remedy the situation. Don’t worry, there will be glitter…
YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK! This shit is priceless. I’m laughing my ass off!
Thanks, Karen! You’ve made my day!
Can I put you down as a reference for when I need to cross the border? This place has become a real shit show.
Yes. I will tell your overlords ALL ABOUT YOU.