I’m trying to fill my heart with love and no judgement, but idiots keep doing stupid things, so it’s not working out very well. As a result, I’ve spent the past week painting teeny-tiny things to keep myself out of jail. Also, it took me about two hours to make that ridiculous photo up there, so you Americans had better be grateful when I distract you from whatever the hell is going on down there this December.
Do you guys play Neko Atsume: Kitty Collector? It’s a Japanese game for… collecting cats. AND IT’S AWESOME. Look it up. I’ve been self-soothing with it all week.
2.0 has spent the past five months travelling for work, so most of our communication has happened by phone. One evening he was quite late calling, so I asked if he had been at a wild party. “Yes,” he said, “I was at a rage.” I like to offer constructive criticism whenever possible, so I said, “I think you mean either: I was at a rager, or I was at a rave.” “Yes,” he said, “I was at a raver.” Which is exactly why I never worry about 2.0 finding another woman to live with.
We ran out of candy on Halloween. We actually had to turf a single teeny-tiny chocolate bar out into a crowd of nine kids and then slam the door shut. We spent the rest of the evening with the lights out, crawling past the front window whenever we needed something from the living room. We were caught off guard because we carefully track the number of trick-or-treaters we get every year, and haven’t had more than 40 since we started keeping tabs seven years ago. This year, double that number showed up. It was a real shit show.
In case you’re wondering, we keep costume stats as well. For example, in 2015 we had 40 kids begging at our door, nine of which fell into the category of Zero Goddamned Costume, and four classified as Something Under a Coat. There were also four cats, a squirrel, and two sluts. In 2016 – before we had to hide – we were on track to beat a Zero Goddamned Costume record. By 7 pm, we had six kids categorized as Lazy Teen/No Costume, and about seven listed as New to Canada/No Costume. We figured the latter might have parents confused by the entire concept of Halloween, and didn’t want to categorize those kids as Lazy or Zeroes, because it seemed racist. On the plus side, there were three unicorns and absolutely no sluts.
And finally, my mother and I have been secretly eating Asian food when we go shopping. As in: we haven’t been telling Bill Beaucoup or 2.0. It’s kind of nice to get that off my chest.