ginger 2018: group 2

It’s a frightening world out there, sweet pea. Terrorism, Fox News, influenza outbreaks, people eating Tide pods. A second day of competitive gingering is just the sort of thing that might help us push through. So gather ’round and allow the wonder of Ginger 2018 fill your heart with break-your-teeth sweetness. 

KERRI’S THE OLD BARN GINGERBREAD HOUSE

Kerri writes:

I grew up on a farm and always had a love for barns. I remember always playing up in the hayloft, hanging out with the cats in the straw, jumping out the hayloft door trying not to break a leg… lol!

This piece brought me lots of joy while constructing and decorating! I painted the icing on the barn, used chocolate fondant for the shingles. The trees and wreaths are all piped with royal icing. My windmill base is made of gingerbread and the rest is cookie wafers, sprayed with silver edible icing….was not an easy piece to do!

Kerri, that windmill has been assembled with the precision of an Olympic rhythmic gymnastics routine. I award you maximum points for aesthetic quality, control of the apparatus, and execution of dynamic elements.

The barn is filled with Shredded Wheats… it looks just like straw! Inside the barn you will find chickens, pigs, ducks and a horse….all edible.

I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but I’m personally not interested in eating horse.

My Owl on the roof is made from fondant. I love owls! Overall this barn took a few weeks to finish and I am pretty happy with it! Wouldn’t it be fun to hang out here with the animals?!

Real barns feel completely worthless when compared to this magical outbuilding. Look at it! The festive tree, the huge wreaths, the 10.3 million dollar windmill! That said, have you ever been to a real farm? I have. Know what they smell like? POOP. And sweat. And decay. There are spiders everywhere. All the animals have eye goobers. You can’t touch a thing without fear of picking up some sort of medieval coughing disease. 

Kerri’s farm, on the other hand, is the sort of farm I’d be happy to live on. The animals look well-groomed, the yard is perfectly manicured, and I bet the only disease you can catch here is diabetes. This display is so sweet that should you place even one of those sugary animals in your pocket, you’d be chased by at least 100 hungry (and violent) little children. I think we can all agree that this is the true measure of ginger awesome.

JOEY’S NOELLE THE BEAR

Joey (probably) writes:

Every child needs a teddy bear! This is Noelle the bear, and her wonderful box of treasures. She has play-doh, cars, blocks, and all the best toys she can think of, and loves to share with her child friends. From a working fidget spinner to a puzzle just needing it’s very last piece in place, can you imagine more fun? Noelle is a gingerbread clay creation and is hollow inside. The toys are a mix of gingerbread and pastillage. The box is gingerbread, with the colorful tiles created from pastillage, and some bricks of ramen noodles inside to support Noelle without adding as much weight to the piece. All glue is royal icing and all paints are food colors. 

EVERY YEAR Joey has his girlfriend (Sarah) send in his entry. Last year I made fun of him because I assumed he didn’t know how to use the internet. Did this change his ways? NOPE. Sarah sent his entry again this year. And that got me wondering about Joey. Who is this magical being? 

Because I watch a lot of documentaries on solving crimes, I know a thing or two about being a detective. And as I stared at Joey’s ginger creation it came to me: JOEY IS A DISCONTENTED FRENCH FACTORY WORKER.

First off, this is exactly the sort of toy display I would expect to find in a shop window in France. Have you been to France in December? It’s a goddamned magical fairyland. Perfect bears like Noelle (a French name meaning ‘Christmas’) could only have been assembled by someone who understands that type of sorcery and has lived it in person. This display is a treasure! Look at the dice, the lego blocks, the tiny race cars! No words, people, no words. 

Second, a discontented French factory worker who currently spends his weekends protesting in Paris probably doesn’t have time to send his own emails. 

RONDA’S ANCIENT ABODE FROM THE DAYS OF YORE 

Ronda writes:

This is actually an old one, because OF COURSE my gingerbread house for this year isn’t done yet, as usual. But this was a fun one, and you say you don’t care so hey…

Wouldn’t have known this wasn’t a fresh ginger creation if Ronda hadn’t pointed it out. COME ON, RONDA.

This house had some issues with drooping roof tiles, but the cereal shingles were deliciously cinnamon-y and smelled and tasted yummy.  And I was so pleased that all those bay windows actually fit together, so who really cares about roof tiles, right?

Literally no one. I wouldn’t even have a roof if I weren’t told it’s necessary. Total waste of money. But this house? THIS HOUSE? It is a sugary jewel. The windows, the adorable roof, the perfect railing! The piped detailing on this sucker is the stuff of dreams. 

This was one of my first attempts at a railing made entirely of royal icing, and I also discovered that chocolate rocks are pretty sweet! I had so much fun doing the chimneys that I decided to add a wishing well in the front yard, too. No, that is NOT a big bucket, just so you know. Please ignore the messy kitchen in the background. Photo-shoots are not my gift.

This is the sort of house that one dreams of visiting over the holidays. You pray you’ll be invited to Persephone and Howard Hillingham’s annual holiday party so you can stand by their perfectly decorated fireplace and sip cocktails served by their butler Fergus. Parasite-ravaged orphans will press their grubby faces up against the bay windows, shivering in the cold as you enjoy this year’s party theme: A Very Victorian Christmas. Those little tots would happily scarf down the sheep’s trotters and fried smelts that everyone is else is avoiding, but Fergus has been instructed to close the curtains so no one has to make eye contact with the strays. “Please, sir! We’ll wash our hands in the big bucket in the yard,” they cry. “That’s not a bucket,” Fergus will shake his head. “That’s a wishing well.”

MELISSA’S BENCH AVEC HOUSE

Melissa writes:

After a few seasons of creating anything BUT a gingerbread house (one year a Star Wars AT-AT, another year a food truck), I decided to get back to basics this year. I was all set with my simple house plans “when what to my wondering eyes should appear” over in the corner of our dining room was sitting the little wooden bench that our son made this past summer at colonial kids camp. And I imagined how cute the simple house might look perched on a bench like that. Is gingerbread legit furniture? We say yes – LOL!

Hold on. You sent your kid to a colonial camp? Because life back then was so much fun? Wasn’t that the era of: children are meant to be seen and not heard and also not seen? 

Here’s the finished gingerbread alongside the actual bench that inspired it. 

Wait. I don’t see the bench. I see a ginger bench, but where is the bench your indentured servant had to build when he was away at camp? Did you mean to send another picture? MELISSA?

Gingerbread makes a great luminary, too. Then we trimmed the base with a garland of Cheerios and M&M’s and donated the finished project for a holiday auction to benefit our local arts council.

Well, it’s nice to think the arts council benefitted from your son’s suffering. Did you know that in some homes during colonial times children didn’t even sit at the table for dinner? They stood behind their parents and food was handed back to them. Yes, this is absolutely the best idea I’ve ever heard, but honestly I don’t think a lot of people would get into it today. 

People would get into this masterful ginger display though. Look at that adorable house! The little white wreath hanging over the door, the perfectly piped details, the luscious trees in the yard. The luminary is a lovely touch, and would light the path to the house so you don’t trip after drinking a little too much eggnog at the office Christmas party. And, should you wake up with a hangover after that party, breakfast is served! Throw a little milk on that Cheerio garland and you’re good to go! 

Now, someone call hildcay ervicessay for Melissa’s kid before she enrols him in Victorian Jump Rope Camp. 

SUZANNE’S 1ST CHURCH OF GINGER

Suzanne writes:

My name is Suzanne and I am submitting my 1st Church of Ginger for your contest. I made it for a fundraiser for my kid’s band. If I was getting paid by the hour, my wage would have been somewhat less than the acne ridden teeny bopper frying a burger at the closest Mickey D’s. However, when the people who won the silent auction were announced, they squealed like little piggies. So I managed to make a little Christmas magic for someone.  

Yes, my little angel muffin, make those piggies squeal! Look at that church! It’s truly divine. I’d trade one of my brother’s kids to eat that thing. The windows, the icing-laden roof, the peppermint pathway! This is sacred architecture at its best. 

It was my first attempt at stained glass, and it didn’t turn out half bad. I charred two back panels before I managed to figure out what the melting point of lifesavers was. Good times. My kid tried to eat the rejects and chipped a tooth. This was one expensive religious experience. Now my Mom wants one for a centerpiece. Time for round 2. Anything for you, Mom.

Honestly, I think the windows were well worth the price of your kid’s teeth. Religion is all about sacrifice, amiright?

Enjoy the festivity of entertainment at our expense (including dental bill.)  In my family, harrassment equals love, so this is my kind of contest! Merry Everything!

Harassment IS love. I learned that from Donna, the Jehovah’s Witness who visits my front door every two weeks. Her persistence has really impressed me. Does the 1st Church of Ginger make use of door-to-door preaching? Because I think it could really increase your visibility. I’ve assembled some tips to help your ginger-missionaries fine-tune their approach for dealing with (sometimes very angry) strangers at their front doors.

1. Knock on the door, smile your biggest smile, and look like you are super enthused about spreading the Ginger Word. Apologize for getting royal icing on the doorbell. 
2. “Hello! How are you today?” Shout this.
3. Introduce yourself and extend your hand for shaking purposes. Apologize for the stickiness of your palm and explain that it’s not sweat, it’s sugar. “It’s so sweet to meet you! What is your name?” Stare into their eyes until the person at the door relents and shares their name.
4.  Explain: “Today I am conducting a survey. It should only take 27 minutes of your time – just some questions concerning your opinion on things like candy, candy canes, candy-related dental bills…”
5. Ask to step in, don’t wait for an answer. Push your body forward while simultaneously saying, “Oh, thank you! You are very sacchariferous!” Walk directly to the living room. Apologize for getting red food colouring on the couch cushions and explain that it’s not dandruff on your blazer, it’s confectioner’s sugar. Share a laugh!
6. After conducting the survey, recite a Ginger prayer: Eternal Gingerbread Spirit, ruler in the Ginger heavens, I come to you in my time of hunger. Guide my soul so I may feed others. Exalt me with your eternal flavour.
7. Hand your new friend the ginger tablet on which you have carefully printed the Ginger prayer in royal icing.
8. Promise to visit again next week when you see that the car is in the driveway and the lights are on in the kitchen.

Merry Everything, Suzanne!

Polls now closed! Results:

Repeat voters are blocked by cookie and IP address.
Polls close at about 12 pm AST, Wednesday, December 19, 2018.