crap no. 49

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

This is basically an all-things-birthday edition of Crap, so get ready to celebrate the delight that is me in a big way.

Last week I turned 47. Sharing a birthday with the anniversary of the 1946 prison riot at Alcatraz is tough, so to make up for the downside of a holiday birth date I bought myself two tickets to see my writing idol, David Sedaris, in August. I can’t think of anything I’ve been more excited about in recent years. If 2.0 decides not to use his ticket I will host a series of competitive events to pick an alternate guest. (The tournament will be rigorous and involve theatre safety drills and a Sedaris trivia speed round.)

birthday cake // movita beaucoup

On my birthday my friend Jamie sent a message to ask: Is today your for real birthday? I thought it was next week.

The day after my birthday my pal Christine emailed to say: I know it should be on the 1st of May and that you choose to celebrate it another day just to confuse people. When I confirmed the date of my birthday she responded with: Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right to me.

Two days after my birthday my friend Heather messaged to say: Happy (belated) birthday, friend. (I am late, right?) I still have that brain block when it comes to the 2nd or 4th (and sometimes 6th).

Do you think it’s time I make some new friends? Or should I just buy them personalized calendars?

We bought a new car! This is because 2.0 said he was going to buy me a propane tank for the barbecue for my birthday, AND I WASN’T STANDING FOR IT. About 48 hours after picking up our pristine new ride, it was defiled when my mother spread a light dusting of cornstarch across the console and passenger side seat. Yes, you read that right. Cornstarch.

Of course, Rosie always treats me like a queen on my birthday so the cornstarch was soon forgotten. (Just kidding, I’LL NEVER FORGET, MOTHER.) We ate a pile of lobster for dinner and I brought the prettiest grocery store cake available. By the way, if one more person judges me for liking grocery store cake the best, I’m gunna lose my shit. I KNOW I WENT TO BAKING SCHOOL, PEGGY. WHO DO YOU THINK BAKES THOSE GODDAMN GROCERY STORE CAKES? (Baking school grads, dumbass.)

birthday dinner // movita beaucoup

In non-birthday news, 2.0 noticed that when I log in to online banking I have my bank card number memorized. I was all: yah, better just to keep it memorized and not stored in the computer. But I was thinking: one day if we are kidnapped I will know my banking information by heart and I will be able to pay for our freedom, you sweet, simple moron. What is it like, I wonder? Never to worry about being stolen by depraved hoodlums…

We have grapes growing all around our deck, and 2.0 is training the vines to make a canopy for privacy. This makes it sound like he’s doing fitness drills with the vines, but really it’s just a system of wires for them to grow along over the deck. He says we’ll add some twinkle lights and then sit under the leafy umbrella when the hot, sticky nights return. This probably sounds very lovely to a lot of people, but all I can think about is how many spiders are going to fall into my drinks.

Finally, my mother is convinced that my dishwasher has a third rack that I simply ‘haven’t noticed’ because hers has one and she is sure that all Bosch dishwashers have them.

I told her that we’ve had our machine for a few years and was quite sure we would have noticed by now, but she wasn’t buying it. She was so insistent that last night I found myself actually looking for the third rack. NEWS ALERT: it wasn’t there.


  1. Christine on May 7, 2019 at 1:27 pm

    And ear wigs.

    On b-day, check with Rosie. I have my doubts.

    • movita beaucoup on May 8, 2019 at 8:36 am

      Earwigs are a nightmare. As for Rosie, she is the queen of birthdays. She remembers when everyone was born. Even you. (Mostly because she was there.)

  2. Marlene on May 7, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    Looking forward to the contest — I could score well in Sedaris trivia! And oh yeah, happy birthday! When is it again?

    • movita beaucoup on May 8, 2019 at 8:37 am

      January 27.

  3. Kirsten Joy Blank on May 7, 2019 at 5:56 pm

    Happy Belated Birthday! I’m still unclear which day it was because I have a strict “No celebrating riots at Alcatraz” rule, so… yeah.
    And it looks like Rosie redeemed herself and had a lovely table set for you! ❤️

    • movita beaucoup on May 8, 2019 at 8:39 am

      I believe the riots took place over three days so this makes things all the more confusing. Which is exactly how I like it. ?

      You’ll be happy to know that there were also balloons hanging over the table. It was a like a princess party! (If that princess were middle aged and capable of cleaning her own toilets.)

  4. Eva on May 7, 2019 at 8:54 pm

    You are priceless my friend and I have early onset Alzheimer’s! Did I wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY? Well if not …HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHEL! LOTS OF LOVE ALL THE WAY FROM QUEBEC! BISOUS!

    Grocery store cakes are definitely the best…IGA makes killer cakes.

    As for the grape vines…that’s a hard NO…atleast not attached to the house and not unless you wanna cover them in RAID. Only plus is the random dried raisin on the vine 😉

    Luv u


    PS: anyone ever call you Raquel as in Welch?

    • movita beaucoup on May 8, 2019 at 8:40 am

      No. No one ever calls me Raquel. Because I’d murder them. ?

  5. Joan on May 8, 2019 at 6:19 am

    Love the grape idea however I did not factor in the spiders ?. New ride is beautiful!! I believe a birthday is not just a day but perhaps a whole month soooo Happy birthday again my friend ??

    • movita beaucoup on May 17, 2019 at 7:27 am

      Thanks, Joan!

  6. Liz on May 8, 2019 at 6:32 am

    Happy birthday!!! Whenever it is 😉

    • movita beaucoup on May 17, 2019 at 7:28 am

      December 25.

  7. Nancy on May 8, 2019 at 10:34 am

    Happy belated birthday! And I totally feel for you with people getting the date mixed up. My birthday is June 25 and I will be turning the big 6-0….. For a few years, my 93 year old mum would miss calling me on the actual day and call me on the 26th and say happy birthday. I’d say “thank you but it was yesterday. “ And she would say, “are you sure? I always think it is the 26th!” And I’d reply with the obvious. Over the past 5 or 6 years, her memory is failing so I now call her on my birthday and say “hi mum, it’s my birthday and I just wanted to call and say thanks for having me.” She responds, “well happy birthday and thanks for being my daughter. Are you sure it’s today, I always thought it was the 26th.” I let her know that I’m sure. The added bonus of this routine is, I get an extra birthday wish from her because somehow locked in that muddled and confused daily brain, she still remembers to call me on the 26th. Ya just gotta love her!

    Thanks for your posts. They really make me laugh.

    • movita beaucoup on May 17, 2019 at 7:29 am

      I love this story, Nancy! Happy early birthday. (Twice.)

  8. Little fairies on May 23, 2019 at 6:17 pm

    Hi mrs. Dyer
    From your ballet students

    • movita beaucoup on May 24, 2019 at 7:37 am


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