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crap no. 48

pink keds // movita beaucoup

I bought a pair of adorable pink Keds in March which I haven’t been able to wear because it has been rainsnowing for 37 days straight. On the plus side, most warm-weather sports haven’t kicked off in our neighbourhood. I mean, is there anything more nightmarish than a ball being punted, thrown or propelled near you when you’re on a walk? It’s a bit much if you ask me.

Dorey had her first trip to the vet since we brought her home in December 2016 and she did not enjoy it one bit. She cried, panted, howled and then peed in her carrier. We all had to nap for a few hours when we got home.

Dorey is fine, by the way. The vet said she is 13.94 pounds of the prettiest cat she has ever seen. She didn’t use those actual words, but it was definitely implied.

dorey // movita beaucoup

Recently, when stopped at a red light, the woman in the SUV ahead of me jumped out of her vehicle, opened the trunk, pulled out a massive watermelon, got back in her car, placed the watermelon on the passenger side seat, and then buckled it down with a seatbelt. I’ve thought about it a lot. The watermelon seemed secure in the trunk — it was in a box. Why move it? Why move it at a red light when the pressure seems high? Please inform because it’s got me thinkin’ like a 48 Hours Mystery.

Confession: we bought pancake mix and it makes really good pancakes. Related: my mother is probably very disappointed in me.

During an email exchange about exhaustion, my sister made the mistake of telling our mother: I sleep so badly in my old age. Seems like I have jetlag three days out of every seven. I’ve tried cutting back on caffeine, exercising more, etc. The only thing that works reliably is Benadryl, but then I have a Benadryl hangover and need caffeine to wake me up…

I made the mistake of saying I feel much the same way and my mother immediately sent us this article from DrugAbuse.comHooked on Benadryl: It’s Much More Than a Harmless Dependency — and I laughed until I almost peed my pants.

I got my first paycheque as a freelance writer! Unfortunately, it was Mrs. Rutherford that got me the gig so the money was tainted and I used it to buy narcotics and handguns.

Speaking of the horrible Rutherfords, a couple of weeks ago I told Mrs. Rutherford that I had to renew my driver’s licence. I was going to do it on my own but then 2.0 suggested that we go together because I guess he doesn’t remember what an actual fun date is anymore. When I told Mrs. Rutherford that I rescheduled my renewal to accommodate 2.0 she heard: they revoked my licence because I’m elderly and have to retake my road test.

I would just like everyone to know that it only took 10 minutes to renew my licence because I still have full use of my everything and I didn’t have to retake my road test because I could basically ADMINISTER THE TEST. Goddammit, Rutherfords.

My sister sent me this crime update from Toronto and now I kinda wish I still lived there:

When I was living in Toronto I had to run some errands at the Eaton Centre (aka Hell on Earth) and as I tackled my to-do list I could hear a bunch of people cheering intermittently and very loudly from the level below mine. I peered over a railing and saw about 50 tourists in a courtyard cheering for a fountain. As in: a water fountain. As in: the water would shoot up into the air and the tourists would applaud and encourage the water by shouting at it.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I bet any one of those tourists would really enjoy a date at the Registry of Motor Vehicles.

Last week my sister flew in from Toronto to surprise Rosie Beaucoup for her birthday. It was a delightful 48 hours and I don’t think Haddy took a single Benadryl. #interventiondisguisedasbirthdaycelebration

My mother has taught me a lot over the years, but the piece of advice I use most often is her suggestion that the best response when a jackass says something really stupid to you is: that’s interesting. (Sorry for that awkward sentencing.) The response works brilliantly because it’s not particularly passionate or engaging so it’s hard for your typical jackass to respond or redirect. You can just say, “That’s interesting,” and then walk away. It works really well and I use it frequently.

Dramatization:

Man: You have ruined my life.
movita: That’s interesting.
Man:

End scene.

Thanks, Rosie Beaucoup. I hope you had a happy birthday!

10 Comments

  1. Movita's Sister on April 23, 2019 at 4:46 pm

    Can we add that there’s a character in my last book who abuses Benadryl, so it’s not like I never considered the risks, AND that I have chronic hives and therefore a legit reason to take it on occasion? No? Just checking.

    • movita beaucoup on April 23, 2019 at 5:14 pm

      Shhhhhh. Mummy is going to explain how pants work next.

  2. Rosie Beaucoup on April 23, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    I yearn for a pair of pink Keds now. I have red and navy but, my, those pink ones are cute!
    I just have to avoid embarrassing Movita by wearing them while I am with her. The Girls hate it when I have the same clothes…

    • movita beaucoup on April 23, 2019 at 5:15 pm

      We absolutely cannot wear the same sneakers at the same time. You will purchase pink and check with me before wearing OR purchase baby blue.

  3. Monica Kocon on April 23, 2019 at 6:50 pm

    Thank you for this latest installment of Crap. It’s helped add brevity to an otherwise exhausting day. Now I must go watch an episode with David and the Schitt’s Creek crew and really feel better about myself.

    • movita beaucoup on April 23, 2019 at 7:17 pm

      It is the wise thing to do.

  4. Christine on April 23, 2019 at 8:46 pm

    I have a similar response when people say, do, or wear strange/silly/badly thought out things…”that’s quite something.” It is genuine and allows me to show interest which may be “you are such a dope” but no one gets hurt.

    I am now trying to remember if I have ever said this to you. Possibly. But just know that in your case, I meant it…???

    • movita beaucoup on April 25, 2019 at 8:34 am

      That’s interesting.

  5. Eva on April 27, 2019 at 9:19 am

    Brilliant as always #benadrylrocks

    • movita beaucoup on May 1, 2019 at 8:07 am

      Yes. Yes, it does. 💗

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