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Question: why haven’t I been making crackers? Huh? Why have I wasted so much time eating crackers from a box when I could be eating crackers from my own oven? Redonkulous.
Another question: do you have any comprehension of how much time I would save in my weekly routine if I just stopped bathing? If I could just resist the temptation to bathe, put on makeup, and blow dry my hair? About 20 hours a month, people. That’s almost a whole friggin’ day each and every month dedicated to the approval of others.
I do not roll out of bed looking the way I do. Part elf, part small human. I have no natural colour. None at all. I am the whitest person you will ever know (on a number of levels). Without makeup, I look as though suffering from a terrible, terrible disease. Perhaps something transmitted elf to elf. So, should you have the great privilege of meeting me in person, you should assume that any and all colour on my face is fake. Completely and totally fake. That is one of the many reasons I must spend between 30 and 45 minutes a day bathing, putting on makeup, and blowdrying my hair. Almost a full day every month is devoted to smelling… well, not smelling like a ballet teacher. Almost a full day every month making my hair look less like rats have been sucking on it. I hope people appreciate it.
And what would I do with that extra day? That day per month wasted on primping? Oh boy. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things. And sure, I can’t think of a single thing right now, but lemme tell you, it would be major. Major like homemade crackers. Because it turns out crackers are super easy to make. Way easier than making yourself look undead. Make a dough, roll it out thin, bake. A monkey could do it. Of course, monkeys are kind of into grooming too, so I’m just assuming that they’d be willing to devote some of their gussying time to making crackers.
These crackers taste of rosemary and cornmeal. Thus the name. A lovely, savoury cracker. Roll them out thin, and you’ll get a crisp, crunchy treat to munch on. Also, 2.0 and I feel that you should know that these crackers are totally awesome when paired with chili. Like, totally, totally awesome.
So, consider going unbathed one day this week. Make crackers instead.
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Yields about 4 dozen.
- 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
- 1/2 cup cornmeal
- 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh rosemary
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 teaspoon sea salt
- 1/2 cup water
- 1/3 cup olive oil
Preheat the oven to 450°F. Cut two pieces of parchment paper that will fit on two baking sheets, and set aside.* Place two baking sheets in the oven to heat (without the parchment paper).
In a large mixing bowl, stir together the flour, cornmeal, rosemary, baking powder and salt. Make a well in the centre of the dry ingredients and add the water and olive oil. Mix until a loose, wet dough is formed. Knead the dough gently on a lightly floured surface for 1-2 minutes.
Divide the dough in half and roll out each piece directly onto a piece of parchment paper until very thin. (I started rolling mine on the counter, and then transferred it to the parchment. I found it was easier to get started that way.) Cut the dough into desired shape (squares, triangles, rectangles) with a very sharp knife, being careful not to cut through the paper.
Working quickly, lift the parchment paper onto the preheated baking sheets and transfer to the oven. Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until the crackers begin to brown.
* Make sure your brand of parchment paper can be used at 450°F. I lowered the temperature to 425°F, as it was the maximum temperature recommended for my brand of parchment.