crap no. 24

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

Summer blogging update: I haven’t been doing it. But given that the internet is bursting with gems like 8 Ways to Write on a Balloon, I’d say you’ve got enough to keep yourself busy.

Kitty update: both of our cats are still alive and eating! Effie celebrated her 14th birthday on Friday. Back in June, I couldn’t imagine that she’d be here to mark the occasion, so it was extra lovely to spend the day with her. Effie and Niles are obsessed with ribbon – so much so, that we can’t have it anywhere in the house because they will eat it. (WHY?) At first you will think: Aw, look! Kittens playing with ribbon! How cute! And then ten seconds later you will be screaming: What the hell? What are you doing? STOP INGESTING IT!  I once had to pull dental floss out of Effie’s butt, and trust me, neither of us wants a repeat performance. So, on special occasions, we let the kitties have Supervised Ribbon Play Time. Friday was one such occasion.

Recently, when driving home from a family barbecue, 2.0 and I had a huge argument about music videos. 2.0 believes they are no longer being made. When I informed him that music videos are still being made, he told me I was wrong. Repeatedly. 2.0 insists that I am not seeing music videos on YouTube – that I am seeing photo collages created by teenagers, which they have set to music. The argument went on for what seemed like a million years, and got so heated that I eventually screamed, “I CANNOT and WILL NOT continue fighting with you about this. MUSIC VIDEOS ARE STILL BEING MADE. NOW SHUT YOUR FACEHOLE, DUMBASS.”

The next morning, I showed 2.0 a Justin Bieber video.

2.0: No. That’s not a music video. Those are just pictures some kid put to Justin Bieber’s music and posted on YouTube.

movita: Sure, if that kid is Justin Bieber and has a two million dollar budget.

2.0: Wrong. Just pictures some kid put on the internet to his music.

movita: NO. Can’t you see that he’s moving? That it’s a highly produced video? That’s Justin Bieber dancing to his own goddamned music! And look – all of his other videos are here too!

2.0: I don’t think so.

movita: Well, we agree on something: you aren’t thinking.

2.0: I find it very interesting that you went directly to a Justin Bieber video.

movita: Really? REALLY? That’s what you find interesting? Not that I’ve proven that music videos are still being made? NOT THAT MUSIC VIDEOS STILL EXIST?

2.0: It’s like you’re obsessed with Justin Bieber.

movita: Good grief! Here. Here’s the video for Stressed Out. Oh, look! Look at all the Twenty One Pilots videos. Hey, here’s one by Selena Gomez! And Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, Adele, that Jonas kid… I think he’s in his underwear? Believe me now?

2.0:

movita: Say it. Say you believe me. Say I’ve proven that music videos are still being made. Say it. SAY IT!

2.0: What do you want to do today?

movita: SON OF A BITCH!

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

Years of watching true-crime stories on television have made me a murder expert, and I’m quite sure that a young couple living up the street will one day be featured in an episode of Criminal Minds. This couple walks by my house every night, and every night I grow more convinced that they are nefarious criminals. They’re one of those couples that hold hands all weird-like, seem kind of gropy, and wear matching black jeans. When I mentioned the matching black jeans to a neighbour, she nodded solemnly. “Yup,” she said, “Murderers.” Not like 2.0. 2.0 said matching black jeans are absolutely acceptable attire. “Even if it’s not 1992?” I asked. “Even if it’s not 1992,” he responded. Still, I imagine they met through a lonely hearts ad in the newspaper, connected instantly by their devious sexual fantasies, mutual fascination with snakes, and an insatiable appetite for massive quantities of drugs. Posing as brother and sister, they seek out drifters – those who will never be missed – fulfilling their darkest desires, and collecting twisted souvenirs to remember their kills by.

Or they work at East Side Mario’s.

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14 Comments

  1. Mellissa Sevigny on August 9, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    As always, I’m endlessly entertained by your crap! So glad the cats are hanging in there and enjoying life to the fullest with their ribbons! Matching black jeans are right up there with white rimmed sunglasses in my book – creepy and an obvious red flag for criminals and deviants! Stay safe out there! ????

  2. sublimedelights on August 9, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    Well I am delighted to see your kitties still happy and playing! I have two adopted black strays with green eyes too. Love them

  3. Jenni on August 9, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Happy Birthday to the babies!! Extra of ‘s for the word Nefarious.

    • Jenni on August 9, 2016 at 5:42 pm

      Points. Lord, automistake will be the death of me!

  4. Rock Salt on August 9, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    I needed to know about this crap. Thank you. Very informative.

  5. movita's sister on August 9, 2016 at 7:57 pm

    I’m wearing black jeans right now. 1992 forever!

  6. thatskinnychickcanbake on August 9, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    If my hubby ever wore black jeans, I’d be the murderer!

  7. Karen @ Karen's Kitchen Stories on August 10, 2016 at 2:02 am

    This is not crap. This is important. Especially the part about music videos. It’s worth fighting mightily about.

    P.S. As an experience True Crime book and magazine reader (yes, I’m old), I love your instincts.

  8. Stephbo on August 10, 2016 at 2:42 am

    2.0 knows nothing, and he is wrong on both counts. As usual. Videos are still being made, and that couple clearly are murderers. Nobody wears matching black jeans. I have to admit, I was relieved to see that your second but was about the neighbors because for a second, I thought those blood splatters were from 2.0, and I got all concerned about how we were going to raise bail money for you.

  9. Jennifer on August 10, 2016 at 10:40 am

    So, Effie and Niles made a music video. Well done.

  10. Kath the Cook on August 16, 2016 at 1:30 am

    I adore black kitties and think Effie should make the next hot music video with one of her black and white (my most favorite) cat friends. 2.0 can just watch the YouTube views add up.

  11. shannon on August 18, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    Effie and Niles! I’ve missed them! I’m so happy Effie especially is doing well and ingesting ribbon on her birthday. Also: i get that whole dental floss in the butt thing – my stupid little dog decided to eat that silver plastic tinsel during christmas one year…we had poo pennant garland for days.

    So you’re clearly right about music videos: they DO still exist, just not on MTV anymore (although we have special MTV channels devoted to videos, i think?), but there ARE a ton of people who take audio and put their own visuals with it. Men who aren’t into pop culture get super-confused by this, even when the artists themselves are in the videos because they assume it’s a teenager who’s managed to get video of that artist to place in their own video. I feel like Kanye made this even more confusing by putting wax figures of celebrities in his video (because who is real? who is fake? is it real or did a normal non-celebrity make that?) It’s hard out there for adults who have no idea what’s going on (like 2.0, or Mr. Table, who is equally confused.)

    • movita beaucoup on August 21, 2016 at 9:17 am

      I think 2.0 would appreciate this defence very much. Mostly because it puts some of the blame on Kanye. Not that 2.0 knows who that is…

  12. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land on August 30, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    Eight Ways To Write On A Balloon alone made me laugh out loud!!!

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