Summer blogging update: I haven’t been doing it. But given that the internet is bursting with gems like 8 Ways to Write on a Balloon, I’d say you’ve got enough to keep yourself busy.
Kitty update: both of our cats are still alive and eating! Effie celebrated her 14th birthday on Friday. Back in June, I couldn’t imagine that she’d be here to mark the occasion, so it was extra lovely to spend the day with her. Effie and Niles are obsessed with ribbon – so much so, that we can’t have it anywhere in the house because they will eat it. (WHY?) At first you will think: Aw, look! Kittens playing with ribbon! How cute! And then ten seconds later you will be screaming: What the hell? What are you doing? STOP INGESTING IT! I once had to pull dental floss out of Effie’s butt, and trust me, neither of us wants a repeat performance. So, on special occasions, we let the kitties have Supervised Ribbon Play Time. Friday was one such occasion.
Recently, when driving home from a family barbecue, 2.0 and I had a huge argument about music videos. 2.0 believes they are no longer being made. When I informed him that music videos are still being made, he told me I was wrong. Repeatedly. 2.0 insists that I am not seeing music videos on YouTube – that I am seeing photo collages created by teenagers, which they have set to music. The argument went on for what seemed like a million years, and got so heated that I eventually screamed, “I CANNOT and WILL NOT continue fighting with you about this. MUSIC VIDEOS ARE STILL BEING MADE. NOW SHUT YOUR FACEHOLE, DUMBASS.”
The next morning, I showed 2.0 a Justin Bieber video.
2.0: No. That’s not a music video. Those are just pictures some kid put to Justin Bieber’s music and posted on YouTube.
movita: Sure, if that kid is Justin Bieber and has a two million dollar budget.
2.0: Wrong. Just pictures some kid put on the internet to his music.
movita: NO. Can’t you see that he’s moving? That it’s a highly produced video? That’s Justin Bieber dancing to his own goddamned music! And look – all of his other videos are here too!
2.0: I don’t think so.
movita: Well, we agree on something: you aren’t thinking.
2.0: I find it very interesting that you went directly to a Justin Bieber video.
movita: Really? REALLY? That’s what you find interesting? Not that I’ve proven that music videos are still being made? NOT THAT MUSIC VIDEOS STILL EXIST?
2.0: It’s like you’re obsessed with Justin Bieber.
movita: Good grief! Here. Here’s the video for Stressed Out. Oh, look! Look at all the Twenty One Pilots videos. Hey, here’s one by Selena Gomez! And Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, Adele, that Jonas kid… I think he’s in his underwear? Believe me now?
movita: Say it. Say you believe me. Say I’ve proven that music videos are still being made. Say it. SAY IT!
2.0: What do you want to do today?
movita: SON OF A BITCH!
Years of watching true-crime stories on television have made me a murder expert, and I’m quite sure that a young couple living up the street will one day be featured in an episode of Criminal Minds. This couple walks by my house every night, and every night I grow more convinced that they are nefarious criminals. They’re one of those couples that hold hands all weird-like, seem kind of gropy, and wear matching black jeans. When I mentioned the matching black jeans to a neighbour, she nodded solemnly. “Yup,” she said, “Murderers.” Not like 2.0. 2.0 said matching black jeans are absolutely acceptable attire. “Even if it’s not 1992?” I asked. “Even if it’s not 1992,” he responded. Still, I imagine they met through a lonely hearts ad in the newspaper, connected instantly by their devious sexual fantasies, mutual fascination with snakes, and an insatiable appetite for massive quantities of drugs. Posing as brother and sister, they seek out drifters – those who will never be missed – fulfilling their darkest desires, and collecting twisted souvenirs to remember their kills by.
Or they work at East Side Mario’s.