This will be – hands down – the crappiest competition I have ever hosted. If you would like to be a part of this absolutely horrendous contest, please read the extensive guidelines below:
1. Carve a pumpkin. I don’t like rules, so as long as it involves some carving, even the smallest amount, I’m happy. Yes, you can glue stuff on. Yes, you can paint it. Yes, you can send more than one entry. No, I will not respond to emails requesting clarification. Figure it out, bozo.
2. Yes, you can enter the pumpkin you carved last year. How the hell would I know? I don’t have time to get the FBI to check the time stamps on your goddamned photos, nor am I motivated to get the cast of CSI to check your entry against their jack-o-lantern database.
3. Send a picture (two maximum) of your pumpkin by Saturday, October 29, 2016, 6:00 pm AST. Email your entry to firstname.lastname@example.org. Early entries are appreciated more than I can tell you. Photos shouldn’t include you/your kids/humans. Creative staging and lack lustre photography are encouraged.
4. Send TWO photos only. I’m not kidding. And please don’t send me a photo you found online and then claim it as your own. Not cool, dude.
5. No photo collages. You aren’t fooling anyone – we all know it’s really six photos you submitted as one thanks to the magicians at picmonkey.com. Cut that shit out.
6. Send your name, email, and any other information you might want included with your entry. Personal information (email, last name, weight) will not be posted. Just your first name, photos, and the stupid stuff you tell me about your “creative process.” (This could be useful if your pumpkin doesn’t conform to society’s definition of a well-carved pumpkin.)
7. If you’re a blogger, please send a link to your blog. Don’t assume I know who you are. I’m pretty stupid, and I hate doing any more work than absolutely required. If you don’t include a link with your entry, I will assume you would prefer I don’t link to your blog. This would be wise, of course, as it is probably best not to associate your brand with mine. I completely understand.
8. Wait for your pumpkin to appear on movitabeaucoup.com on Monday, October 31, 2016. I will make fun of it. I will probably make fun of you. That’s how things work around here.
9. Wait for Baby Chrissy to name the Pumpkin Carve-Off 2016 Champion. I cannot explain her process, but I trust her judgement completely. This year’s one and only champion will receive a $25.00 Amazon gift card. Baby Chrissy’s decision is final. I don’t care if you agree, or feel she has been influenced by anyone or anything. You no like, you no enter. You hear me, internet dickheads? DON’T ENTER.
10. As always, there will be online polling. This is because online polling will ensure that most of you feel really crappy about yourselves. That’s what the internet was invented for. Online polling will take place throughout the day/evening on October 31, 2016. The winner of online polling will receive the People’s Choice Prize – a $20.00 Amazon gift card.
11. The other competitors/losers will get nothing. I don’t have sponsors. You know who sponsors this crappy competition? ME.
My god, this is a terrible contest.
12. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, November 1, 2016.
Meet Baby Chrissy, Pumpkin Carve-Off Judge:
Baby Chrissy has been one of my best friends since I was about three years old (1975). She’s been wearing that Uncle Bobb Wants You t-shirt since the early 1980s. Yes, I gave her that haircut, and yes, I did her makeup. That’s why I keep getting emails addressed to me as: Dear Lifestyle Blogger.
Baby Chrissy has an uncanny knack for understanding pretty much everything that’s going on in my mind. Do the sounds of her cries fill our house at night? Do we sometimes hear scratching sounds from within the closet she likes to sleep in? Are we convinced she’s going to murder us in our sleep? Maybe. So though she’s completely unqualified for judging any sort of competition, I didn’t want to say no to her.
The entries in my competitions tend to be extremely varied in terms of theme and execution. Baby Chrissy will select her favourite entry, not necessarily the most technically or professionally executed masterpiece. It is entirely possible that a little kid will beat a middle aged pumpkin savant to claim one or both of the mediocre prizes I am offering up. If there’s any part of you that feels uncomfortable with getting made fun of, being judged by Baby Chrissy, or being defeated by a four year old, please do not enter this competition. We absolutely won’t miss you.