close call

close call // movita beaucoup

Saturday, 4:15 pm: I return from work to find our garden gate flung open. The gate was not open when I left that morning. I check the yard and then enter the house cautiously.

4:45 pm: Our landline is not working. I unplug and re-plug all the phones in the house, but despite my technical savvy, the phones do not magically work again.

5 pm: I use my cell phone to call the phone company. The man on the other end of the phone puts me on hold so he can run some tests. When he returns he says, “Yup, your line is at 0.” I immediately think of the garden gate. “Like… dead?” I ask. “Yup,” he says cheerfully, “I’ll send a technician on Monday afternoon!

5:10 pm: I wonder if the criminal who cut my phone line will let me use my cell phone to call 911 before bludgeoning me to death.

5:15 pm: I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. I think of that movie When a Stranger Calls, but then remember that our phone line isn’t working, which will make it difficult for a nefarious criminal to call me from within the house.

5:20 pm: I ensure all curtains are open. I don’t want to pull one back later in the evening only to discover an axe wielding murderer reflected in the window as lightning flashes across the darkened sky.

5:30 pm: I walk the yard, surveying the perimeter of the house, checking for cut phone lines. I can smell marijuana coming from my neighbour’s apartment and calculate the odds of a drug addict plotting my demise in order to steal my snack food.

5:45 pm: I email 2.0 and tell him not to attempt getting in touch via landline as the line is dead/possibly cut. He is on a golf trip and responds with an “Okay!” 

6 pm: I keep myself busy loading costumes into the car for the next day’s show. I deposit my pay cheque at the bank. I make myself a salad (possibly my last), and then begin watching episodes of Forensic Files which, admittedly, may have been a mistake.

8:30 pm: I decide I shouldn’t be nervous just because 2.0 isn’t in the bed next to me. I don’t need a man to protect me.

8:45 pm: I begin making a list of people who might want to murder me. The list is surprisingly long.

10 pm: I fall asleep watching Forensic Files, clasping my cell phone.

4 am, Sunday: I wake to the sounds of young men rearranging construction pylons on my street. They sound merry, and in their intoxicated state, incapable of organizing a murder.

6 am: Good news: I awake, unmurdered.

6:15 am: I note that the construction pylons on our street have been arranged in an extremely methodical fashion, and realize that the young men were absolutely capable of organizing a murder, and possibly, my freezer.

close call | movita beaucoup

5 pm: I return from a long day at the theatre to find 2.0 standing at the door. I’m happy to see him. We unload the costumes from the car and catch up in the living room.

movita: So, the phone’s still dead, but I’ve got a repair dude coming tomorrow afternoon.

2.0: (picks up the phone and listens) There’s no dial tone!

movita: Right. I emailed you about that.

2.0: Yes, but I didn’t know the dial tone wasn’t working!

movita: That’s what “our landline isn’t working” means.

2.0: Honey? (he seems uneasy) I think you’re going to be angry…

movita: What did you do?

2.0: I might have unplugged something in the basement.

movita: Like our landline?

2.0: (heading for the basement) I’ll be right back!

I hear things being moved around. I hear our phones happily beeping as they are connected to live lines again.

2.0: (back in the living room) I guess I shouldn’t have unplugged that stuff!

movita: Or maybe you could have mentioned the unplugging of that stuff when I emailed you last night.

2.0: Yah. (pausing) We should probably go out for dinner, right?

movita: Right.

.

35 Responses to close call

  1. thatskinnychickcanbake June 6, 2014 at 7:58 am #

    I just love a happy ending. And one where no-one was murdered! Men.

    • movita beaucoup June 6, 2014 at 2:22 pm #

      This was the happiest of endings. (I mean, I got dinner…)

  2. Liz June 6, 2014 at 8:16 am #

    Wow – what a story. I’m glad you are okay and alive.

  3. Danica June 6, 2014 at 8:53 am #

    Oh my – I would be panicking as well!!! Glad nothing bad happened but over all a very humorous story!

  4. rockandwool June 6, 2014 at 9:01 am #

    yiKes:::had me goin’ there.

    lub you!
    teri
    x x x

    • movita beaucoup June 7, 2014 at 7:15 am #

      Lub you too! xox

  5. Julie B June 6, 2014 at 9:32 am #

    Oh my goodness…I was right there with you on pins and needles. Hope dinner out made up for his blunder 🙂

    • movita beaucoup June 7, 2014 at 7:16 am #

      A juicy burger and fries can go a long way…

  6. Kita (@passthesushi) June 6, 2014 at 9:45 am #

    I can’t handle the suspense

    • movita beaucoup June 6, 2014 at 2:23 pm #

      Handle it, woman. I live on the EDGE.

  7. Janice @Kitchen Heals Soul June 6, 2014 at 9:55 am #

    Bahahahaha! He’s going to have to take you out for dinner for awhile, and possibly buy you a whole set of fancy Le Creusets to begin to make up for it!
    Boys…

  8. chef mimi June 6, 2014 at 10:10 am #

    hahahaha! Men!

  9. IgnorantBystander June 6, 2014 at 11:00 am #

    Dear Movita,

    We have become aware that you have in your possession of a list of “people who want to murder you”.

    How quaint. This interests us.

    Unless you release this list in its entirety within 10 business days, we shall start to once again rearrange construction cones in your neighborhood in increasingly disturbing patterns, ranging from the whimsical to the downright naughty.

    To underscore the fact that we mean business, we want you to understand that we quite prepared to adopt the extreme tactics of rendering fiendishly accurate depictions of hoo-has and tallywackers.

    have a nice day,

    The Illuminati (HRM / West Annapolis Valley Chapter)

    • movita beaucoup June 7, 2014 at 7:17 am #

      Given that nine members of your Chapter are on the list, it seems silly to type it up…

  10. natalie @ wee eats June 6, 2014 at 11:16 am #

    PRAISE JESUS YOU’RE NOT MURDERED! and seriously?? SERIOUSLY??? /sigh Boys….

  11. Lan | morestomach June 6, 2014 at 11:17 am #

    this was riveting. i’d never seen that trailer before and then i finished reading your post and to my amusement, i realized that i had been holding my breath! oh the spell you cast on us…

  12. Abbe@This is How I Cook June 6, 2014 at 12:18 pm #

    My husband has done this, too! It seems he is always unplugging routers and such which effects the phone. And of course, he travels all the time. I never turn on the TV because my mind wanders into places it best not go! But you survived. AND got dinner. I’ll have to start working on that angle!

  13. Amy June 6, 2014 at 12:45 pm #

    First of all, I’m glad you weren’t murdered. Secondly, isn’t When a Stranger Calls the scariest movie ever? It gave me nightmares for months. The original is way creepier than the remake. haha, I can’t believe 2.0…or men in general for that matter. They’re like the least helpful people. Nate would totally do this, except that he would never have been in the basement trying to fix something since he would have sent me to do it! I sure hope he bought you dinner 😉

  14. mellissa @ ibreatheimhungry June 6, 2014 at 1:45 pm #

    I’m totally in awe of your courage! Pretty sure I would have locked myself in the bathroom with a huge box of Krispy Kremes (what – I’m a stress eater OKAY?), a wooden spoon (for protection) and my cellphone for the entire night! I hope you ordered lobster and a super expensive bottle of vino for dinner – dude owed you big time!

    • movita beaucoup June 7, 2014 at 7:18 am #

      Bathroom. Why didn’t I hide in the bathroom?!?!

  15. tworedbowls June 6, 2014 at 3:33 pm #

    This. Is. PURE. Hilarity. Also I would have peed my pants from terror on multiple occasions had this been me. Very casual.

  16. kerrycooks June 6, 2014 at 5:48 pm #

    4am and 6am: SO hilarious!

  17. Karen @ Karen's Kitchen Stories June 6, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

    He owes you.

  18. cheri June 7, 2014 at 12:48 am #

    Great story, scary how the mind can take control, or maybe I mean my mind. Happy week-end!

    • movita beaucoup June 7, 2014 at 7:19 am #

      Clearly, I have NO control over my mind!!

  19. Nancy @ gottagetbaked June 7, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

    Holy shit, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thank you, Movita! This was absolutely brilliant. 6 pm, 845 pm, 6am and 615am are my favourites. Because my husband is paranoid, our home is like Fort Knox. We have metal bars on everything. I can barely even get in. Time for you to get the metal ‘n barb wire up! And 2.0 owes you, big time.

  20. Stacy June 7, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

    So relieved you lived to tell this hysterical tale! But, really, salad as a last meal?

  21. Lynne Knowlton June 8, 2014 at 2:31 pm #

    I’m with Nancy, in the comment above. Holy shit.. I laughed HARD. You crack me up !

    Best.blog.post evvvvvah ! Okay, okay, your posts always rock out loud … but this one really put me over the edge and made me pee my pants. TMI ?!

    Love the comment from @ignorantbystander too !! Sooooooooooo funny !!

    Kisses, my friend !

  22. Matt June 8, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

    It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again……..

    • movita beaucoup June 10, 2014 at 12:10 pm #

      Thanks for ensuring I’LL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN, MATT.

  23. ChocolateChilliMango (@ChocChilliMango) June 11, 2014 at 11:18 pm #

    As they say in Doctor Who … some days EVERYBODY LIVES. Yay.

  24. Mish December 9, 2015 at 3:20 pm #

    OMG – totes adorbs!! I just happened to find your blog as I sit here bored at work and took a slight gander at the Tall Tales section. I love your sense of humor and writing style. You’re my kind of peeps.

    • movita beaucoup December 13, 2015 at 8:19 am #

      You’re MY kind of peep!!

  25. Stephbo February 24, 2017 at 3:42 am #

    You, my dear, are a nut job. A delightful, hilarious nut job. Xoxo!

    • movita beaucoup February 24, 2017 at 8:15 am #

      IT’S A LIFESTYLE.

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