crap no. 37

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

I recently finished watching Seven Seconds on Netflix and it’s the best show I’ve seen in ages. I yelled at my television a lot (WHAT? NOOOOOOO!) and did some crying (the blubbering kind). Apparently there won’t be a second season because people are idiots.

Since writing about the time I almost pooped my pants on one of Halifax’s busiest streets, I’ve been approached by 473 people who wish to share their own poop disaster stories with me. I’m the Crap Whisperer. I ran into a former student who said, “Hey, maybe your poop story will go viral and your career will take off.” I responded with, “I don’t think you know how careers work.” And she said, “Maybe YOU don’t know how careers work.”

2.0 has been on a golf trip for a week and a half and I’ve consumed so much shrimp that I had to research how much shrimp is too much shrimp to eat. You’ll be happy to know that you would have to eat 8.25 lbs a day to exceed your maximum daily iodine intake. (I’m just under the wire.)

After returning from his annual trip a couple of years ago, 2.0 asked:

2.0: Can we rename Effie?
movita: I don’t think that’s a good idea, but what did you have in mind?
2.0: Tupelo.
movita: What? Why?
2.0: There’s a golf course in South Carolina that I really like – Tupelo Bay.
movita:

My favourite reporter, Brett Ruskin, being my favourite again:

 

VLOG 2: Full Boston Marathon recap ~ My wife raced a train. I spray-painted a flag. Everything got wet.

Posted by Brett Ruskin on Tuesday, April 17, 2018

 

Related:

A few years ago I took a course about providing ‘positive experiences for children’ with a focus on the ‘emotional wellbeing of athletes.’ Apparently you can learn everything you need to know about being a decent coach in five hours, so my boss made attendance mandatory. When the course instructor insisted that ‘sarcasm has absolutely no place in the dance studio,’ every single head in the room whipped around to look at me. I mean, it’s MY SIGNATURE STYLE! So no, I didn’t bother to complete my certification and yes, my students are some of the funniest people I know. BECAUSE OF THE SARCASM.

Kiehl’s has a habit of giving me free samples of products I can’t afford to purchase on the rare occasion that I’ve actually acquired the funds to buy something at the store thus creating a vicious cycle of longing and desire. (Sorry about the awkward sentencing.) I particularly enjoy samples of their serums because serums sound preposterous and I like putting ridiculous things on my face. When I apply such products, 2.0 likes to put on a good show:

2.0: *screams bloody murder*
movita: *screams bloody murder back* Jesus! What the hell, honey?
2.0: Oh my God! It’s you! You scared the shit out of me! I didn’t recognize you. I thought a someone– a supermodel?–broke into the house! Did you do something to your face?
movita: Why, yes. Yes, I did.

Songs that make me want to kill people, ranked:

  1. We Built This City – Starship
  2. My Heart Will Go On – Céline Dion
  3. I’m Too Sexy – Right Said Fred
  4. The Chipmunk Song – Alvin and The Chipmunks
  5. Hanging Tough – New Kids On The Block
  6. (Everything I Do) I Do It For You – Bryan Adams
  7. Manic Monday – The Bangles
  8. Barbie Girl – Aqua
  9. Who Let the Dogs Out – Baha Men
  10. I Ain’t Missing You – John Waite

And finally, Brett Ruskin chokes on a snowflake:

 

I choked on a snowflake. #notlive #winterrisks

Posted by Brett Ruskin CBC on Monday, December 12, 2016

.

8 Comments

  1. Liz on April 21, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    I loved that Boston Marathon video–I have a new favorite reporter!!

    • movita beaucoup on April 25, 2018 at 9:18 am

      And he covers tougher news stories like a champ as well. So professional! So afraid of small animals…

  2. Julie Smith on April 21, 2018 at 2:26 pm

    OMG!!! another fantastic post about crap.. I may have have also chocked laughing at Brett chocking (sorry Brett) will have to follow him now. How have I missed this gem, in reporters..Your #4 song needs to be #1. I will be awaiting your next post. Be careful out there.

    • movita beaucoup on April 25, 2018 at 9:17 am

      Thanks, Julie! I think I might have to start an official Brett Ruskin fan club…

  3. Mike on April 22, 2018 at 2:37 am

    I happen to like most of the songs on your list. I wonder what that says about me?

    • movita beaucoup on April 25, 2018 at 9:16 am

      We could never co-dj a party, obviously.

  4. Karen Schroeder on April 22, 2018 at 12:58 pm

    I’ve been going through some bad times lately…… as always you make my day when I read your hilarious post’s. Thank you! 🙂

    • movita beaucoup on April 25, 2018 at 9:16 am

      Giving people the occasional giggle is basically the ONLY reason I blog!

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