I solved the Golden State Killer case 6 months ago and have received zero credit for the recent arrest of that seriously shady character. I KNEW IT WAS A COP. 8573 episodes of Forensic Files finally paid off.
None of my neighbours bothered to alert me when the K-9 unit was in my yard looking for a nefarious criminal. Have I not made it perfectly clear that I want to be the first unqualified citizen to rise to the rank of detective on the Halifax police force? Dogs love me! It would have been a great networking opportunity. Why can’t people support my dreams?
A reader sent me a call for humour columns posted by Leisure Living, a publication subtitled: Gracious Living for the 50+ Generation. The target audience?
Our demographic is an upscale readership, aged 50-75.
Do you guys even know how old I am? GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE.
Related: have you noticed how big the font is on this goddamned blog? We’re up to 18px now. E I G H T E E N. This is because some of you have sent MORE THAN ONE MESSAGE to request a larger font size. This is it. If I go any larger I’m officially in the large print section of the interwebs and I refuse to let that happen.
Recently hollered as he scooped the kitty litter:
2.0: Honey! Honeeeeeeey!
2.0: Honey, did you fall short?
movita: Did I fall short?
2.0: There’s a huge poop in the litter box! It’s too big to be a cat poop. It has to be human!
movita: And you think it was me? You think I pooped in there?
2.0: Well… only if you couldn’t make it to the bathroom.
Guys, I would probably never poop in the litter box.
When I find dandelion greens in my salad I immediately think: are you demented? Why would I eat a pile of weeds? I’d rather express a dog’s anal glands. Next you’ll be putting activated charcoal in my ice cream.
FYI: I recently got lost in a series of detours on the way home from the airport and I think I accidentally joined a bike gang.
Pet peeve: when characters on tv wear glasses that have no lenses. I’M TALKING TO YOU NEW GIRL.
This is a very difficult time of year for my people: the dying swans, caspers, white shadows, and pale riders of society. I must lose an hour a day to the application and re-application of lotions with an SPF of no less than 60. On the plus side, I look I’m haunting people in picnic photos, so… that’s something.
My sister is working on another novel, so naturally she took the time to send my family a guide to her favourite types of potato chips.
Haddy’s Definitive Ranking of Potato Chips, Counted Down:
8. Halloween-sized chips
7. Picnic chips
6. Old person sandwich on white bread with a side of chips chips
5. Only thing I can stomach after the flu chips
4. Board game chips
3. Airport chips
2. Storm chips
1. Friday night with Netflix chips for dinner chips
And finally, this video. Because this is what the world wide webernet was invented for.