crap no. 38

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

I solved the Golden State Killer case 6 months ago and have received zero credit for the recent arrest of that seriously shady character. I KNEW IT WAS A COP.  8573 episodes of Forensic Files finally paid off.

None of my neighbours bothered to alert me when the K-9 unit was in my yard looking for a nefarious criminal. Have I not made it perfectly clear that I want to be the first unqualified citizen to rise to the rank of detective on the Halifax police force? Dogs love me! It would have been a great networking opportunity. Why can’t people support my dreams?

A reader sent me a call for humour columns posted by Leisure Living, a publication subtitled: Gracious Living for the 50+ Generation.  The target audience?

Our demographic is an upscale readership, aged 50-75.

Do you guys even know how old I am?  GET IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE.

Related: have you noticed how big the font is on this goddamned blog? We’re up to 18px now. E I G H T E E N. This is because some of you have sent MORE THAN ONE MESSAGE to request a larger font size. This is it. If I go any larger I’m officially in the large print section of the interwebs and I refuse to let that happen.

Recently hollered as he scooped the kitty litter:

2.0: Honey! Honeeeeeeey!
movita: Yah?
2.0: Honey, did you fall short?
movita: Did I fall short?
2.0: There’s a huge poop in the litter box! It’s too big to be a cat poop. It has to be human!
movita: And you think it was me? You think I pooped in there?
2.0: Well… only if you couldn’t make it to the bathroom.

Guys, I would probably never poop in the litter box.

When I find dandelion greens in my salad I immediately think: are you demented? Why would I eat a pile of weeds? I’d rather express a dog’s anal glands. Next you’ll be putting activated charcoal in my ice cream.

*checks internet*

FYI: I recently got lost in a series of detours on the way home from the airport and I think I accidentally joined a bike gang.

Pet peeve: when characters on tv wear glasses that have no lenses. I’M TALKING TO YOU NEW GIRL.

This is a very difficult time of year for my people: the dying swans, caspers, white shadows, and pale riders of society. I must lose an hour a day to the application and re-application of lotions with an SPF of no less than 60. On the plus side, I look I’m haunting people in picnic photos, so… that’s something.

My sister is working on another novel, so naturally she took the time to send my family a guide to her favourite types of potato chips.

Haddy’s Definitive Ranking of Potato Chips, Counted Down:

8. Halloween-sized chips
7. Picnic chips
6. Old person sandwich on white bread with a side of chips chips
5. Only thing I can stomach after the flu chips
4. Board game chips
3. Airport chips
2. Storm chips
1. Friday night with Netflix chips for dinner chips

And finally, this video. Because this is what the world wide webernet was invented for.

19 Comments

  1. The neighbour on May 15, 2018 at 5:39 pm

    I’m so confused

  2. Rick P. on May 15, 2018 at 6:59 pm

    For your sister Haddy … when I was a kid we used to eat chip sandwiches, white bread. The recipe is just as it sounds. From an upscale reader, aged 50 – 75 🤓

    • movita beaucoup on May 16, 2018 at 8:48 am

      Sounds like our kind of sandwich…

  3. Mellissa on May 15, 2018 at 7:36 pm

    Having expressed many a dog’s anal glands in my brief stint working for a dog groomer in the 90’s, take it from me – you would much prefer to eat weeds in your salad. Also, activated charcoal coconut ice cream (for teeth cleaning AND to satisfy your sweet tooth) will be a thing in 2019 – bank on it. I’ve already filed for the patent – ha ha suckers, this one’s all mine. Finally, if I ever need to use the litter box as a deuce dropping backup, I’ll have to move it out of the bathroom and to a more central location – thanks for the head’s up, I’ve clearly been going about this all wrong and now I’ll be better prepared…

    • movita beaucoup on May 16, 2018 at 8:48 am

      I’ve seen a lot of activated charcoal ice cream this year. Apparently it tastes like anal glands. Maybe the coconut will help? Or you could promote your ice cream with a photo of a dog’s butt?

  4. Eva on May 15, 2018 at 7:41 pm

    That video is so wrong on sooooooo many levels …sweet Jesus I need to pop my eyes back in and cleanse my ears.

    As always you make me smile …you make me laugh…you ROCK GF!

  5. Lena C on May 16, 2018 at 7:59 am

    Are the chips Halloween-sized or the bag? What are storm chips? Surely if there is a storm one can’t go out and get chips. Who can eat chips after having the flu? Are chips like Haddy’s ginger ale and saltines? What a weirdo!

    • movita beaucoup on May 16, 2018 at 8:46 am

      I’m very concerned by this, Lena. Do you even understand chips at all?! First off: the bag. Halloween chips come in small bags. That’s what makes them extra good. Storm chips are a Maritime phenomenon. (I’ve sent you an article.) And who doesn’t eat chips after the flu? They are light and nutritious. Ginger ale and saltines will put you right back on the road to Barf City. Potato chips will HEAL YOU.

  6. Lynne on May 16, 2018 at 10:04 am

    OMG. I needed this, this morning.

    I was listening to that video (spoilers!) and had to make my son watch it – I mean, share it with him. He said he thought I was watching a cat video. Lol. This should be required watching for anyone who thinks, hey I could become a famous singer…

  7. karen on May 16, 2018 at 10:58 pm

    Excellent rant! I solve crimes too!

  8. Karen Schroeder on May 16, 2018 at 11:55 pm

    You are the best Detective! Screw the Neighbors…..shit in that box, your a Viking! Oh, and delete the people that need a font that large..really? It’s your blog, who’s f****** this chicken. Go chips!

  9. Christine on May 17, 2018 at 10:10 am

    You’re 4 years away from 50.

    The video rocks. It simply rocks.

    • movita beaucoup on May 17, 2018 at 7:16 pm

      It makes me feel way better about my own singing abilities.

  10. Megan on May 17, 2018 at 6:55 pm

    I, too, lament the time lost to the application of sunscreen. Le sigh.

    • movita beaucoup on May 17, 2018 at 7:17 pm

      It’s just, like, SO HARD, you know?

  11. Bonnie Johnson on May 18, 2018 at 2:27 pm

    I can’t quite bring myself to eat weeds either, though sometimes what I cook tastes like it is weeds. Chips I can handle as long as they come straight from the bag. Keep on making us chuckle dear movita.

    • movita beaucoup on May 30, 2018 at 9:09 am

      Chips solve a lot of problems, Bonnie. 😂

  12. Stephbo on May 28, 2018 at 3:46 pm

    So many things to comment on…

    If so many people are asking for larger fonts, maybe your target demographic really _is_ upscale 50 to 75 year olds. Or just 40+ like me with crappy vision. But I’ve never been upscale. Just barely mediocre.

    Several years ago I sublet the livable attic in a friend’s house. The only bathroom was downstairs. There were many nights when I seriously considered peeing in the litter box rather than risking a trek down the steep steps half asleep at 2 am. I never did, though. Mostly because I was afraid that I’d flood it or have bad aim.

    I don’t understand the appeal of dandelion greens. When I was a kid, my grandma fixed them for my grandpa. I thought she was kidding when she told me that a) that’s what he was eating and that b) HE GOT THEM FROM THE NEIGHBOR’S YARD. Nope. Not a joke. I’m related to a circus freak.

    • movita beaucoup on May 30, 2018 at 9:08 am

      I hadn’t considered flooding the litter box. I do like to drink a big glass of water before bed…

      There is a woman in our neighbourhood who gathers the dandelions from our yards to make soup. The same yards that all the dogs in the hood use as their toilets. So she’s making toilet soup. DOG TOILET SOUP.

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