crap no. 40

crap // movitabeaucoup

Greetings from my almost-death bed. I’ve had a neck injury shituation and things have been a little rough around here. It mostly hurts when I walk, breathe, sleep, sit and stand. I don’t want to say it has been making me overly emotional but…

Last week I heard a bird crash into our living room window. It wasn’t until later in the day that I saw its body on the lawn, feathers rustling in the wind. Every time I walked by the window, every time I thought of that little bird crumpled on the lawn, I cried. When 2.0 came home from work I told him about the bird and cried again. He said, “I’ll take care of it, honey, don’t worry,” and patted my knee.

The next morning I stood in the driveway next to 2.0’s truck. He rolled down the window and said, “I took care of your friend,” and motioned to the bird’s final resting spot. I thanked him and choked back yet another round of tears.

“By the way,” he added, “it was a leaf.”

Red maple to be exact.

crap // movitabeaucoup

Last week my drunk dialer neighbour, Joan, texted to ask if I’d seen Leaf Cat recently. Leaf Cat is an adorable mewsance who wanders the neighbourhood playing in gardens and taunting indoor cats from window sills. Also, Leaf Cat is really into foliage. I often see it carrying leaves up the street at night (rhododendron are a favourite). I’m not sure where it’s taking them, but I imagine there’s a massive kitten nest somewhere nearby.

ANYHOO, Joan said that a couple had stopped by her house to ask if she had seen their cat because he/she was missing and needs medication. Leaf Cat was lost and possibly very ill! Joan shared the couple’s name and phone number, and we agreed to get in touch with all of our other friends and neighbours in the hood.

I was out walking when I received Joan’s messages and immediately began searching for our feline friend. I scanned gardens, under shrubs, the whole nine yards. When I got home I did a reluctant search around our property. I mean, I really wanted to help Leaf Cat, but I didn’t want to find it paws-up under our deck, you know? I asked 2.0 to check our shed and scanned our street again, eyes filled with tears, wishing for Leaf Cat’s safe return.

Then Joan texted.

Joan: I just saw the cat. I called the girl and said the cat I always see has white paws on her back paws. Not the same cat apparently.

movita: Wait… so we are all talking about a different cat? I am thinking about the tabby cat with white paws who carries leaves around the neighbourhood. ALSO I’VE BEEN CRYING ABOUT LEAF CAT. IS LEAF CAT ALIVE?

Joan: LMAO Yes, Leaf Cat is alive. I don’t think we have ever seen the cat they were looking for.

So I spent a lot of time crying over not-dead animals this week.

crap // movita beaucoup

I’m trying to get some Christmas shopping done early this year and wonder if you guys think this would make a nice present. It seems both personal and practical, which ticks a lot of boxes.

Flat D Flatulence Deodorizing Pads:

crap // movita beaucoup

According to Amazon:

No more smelly episodes, horrible flatulence odors and feeling ashamed or embarrassed. Place this pad inside your underwear so the next time gas is expelled, it is instantly neutralized…without the tell-tale lingering odor that could put you in an awkward situation.

The description also claims that the pads are “doctor-recommended.”

(I’d really like to meet that doctor.)

The other day I was running errands and saw my parents behind me in their car. They pulled up behind my ride at a set of lights so I started waving wildly at them. They didn’t notice at first, but when they decided to pull into the lane right beside me, I rolled down my window, stuck my arm out and began waving more aggressively. I yelled, “Hey! Heeeeeeyyyyy! Over here! Bill! Rose! HEY! Mum! Dad! BILL! ROSE! BIIIILLLLLL! ROOOOOOOSE!”

It wasn’t them. It was just two people of the same age driving the exact same car, dressed exactly as as my parents right down to the haircuts, facial hair, glasses, AND EVERYTHING. So, Halifax is home to my parent’s doppelgängers. When Fake Rose turned to look at me she was clearly terrified and I could see her mouthing the words drive, drive  to Fake Bill. Fake Bill was all: I can’t go anywhere because there’s a car in front of us so just look away and pretend she’s not there. Look away! And then they both pretended they couldn’t see me anymore. I’m not gunna lie: it hurt a little.

And finally, if you’re looking for a little distraction from… everything, this is my most favourite Instagram account:

With Stan – a graduate from the account above – in close second:

Cats, amiright?

10 Comments

  1. Liz on June 28, 2018 at 1:29 pm

    Haha—between the flatulence pads and not dead animal, I don’t know which made me giggle more. I think you need to get off the pain meds 😉 Sorry about the neck!

    • movita beaucoup on July 3, 2018 at 7:01 am

      I think I need to get ON the meds! 😂

  2. tswish on June 28, 2018 at 1:44 pm

    …I love your stories….all of them. They ALWAYS make me laugh, and smile. :o)

    • movita beaucoup on July 3, 2018 at 7:00 am

      movita likes this post.

  3. Lady Tofu on June 28, 2018 at 1:55 pm

    Of course you’re feeling emotional and weepy, you have an injury and are in pain! Are you taking care of it and treating yourself with care, ya I know barf. Are you taking pain medication.? That stuff can make you cray sometimes….ie leaf bird and parents, not parents!!! Bahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing your being a person stories!!!! They are the best!!! I am waiting in the office of my career counselor/ therapist about work and I have something to do besides wonder why I am here!!!!!!!!
    Xo

    • movita beaucoup on July 3, 2018 at 7:00 am

      I’m not taking medication, but only because it doesn’t work very well on nerve pain. (At least not the stuff that you can buy without a prescription.) Thinking about trying cocaine because it would support a local business.

  4. Colleen Conklin on July 2, 2018 at 7:40 pm

    Omg, keep,it coming. I only wanted your seafood chowder recipes and got your humor too

    • Colleen Conklin on July 2, 2018 at 7:42 pm

      Btw, I’m buying that flagulent pad for my guy and everyone that has to stand near him at work will thank me

      • movita beaucoup on July 3, 2018 at 6:58 am

        I mean, he’ll make more friends. HE SHOULD THANK YOU.

  5. Joan on July 8, 2018 at 3:45 am

    Still giggling

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