bake my cake 2014 ~ cast your vote

Welcome to Bake My Cake 2014: Crappy Cake Edition. There were only four entries this year, so we’re skipping the preliminary rounds of voting and heading straight to the final vote! This also marks the last year for Bake My Cake, as it’s pretty clear that you people would rather eat a cake than bake one. (I’m so proud of you.)

I’m confident that you’re gunna love these cakes as much as I do. This year’s bakers submitted entries with references to ballet, sprinkles, and my awesomeness – my favourite things – and clearly utilized search engines and facebook to research everything I like/dislike.

Cast your vote at the bottom of the post! Poll will be open until 8 am AST on Friday, May 2, 2014.

. . .

Sarah’s Cake

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

Sarah’s Cake was the first to hit my inbox, which means she loves me the most. Love is prompt – don’t accept anything less.

Sarah sent the following declaration of crap with her entry.

I think it might meet your requirements for your crappy cake edition:

1) assembly issues
2) fewer than 42 candles
3) tastes DIVINE!
4) just enough icing to make it luscious but some might complain it wasn’t gooped all over
5) light and airy and rich all at the same time, which reminds me of you: a delicate ballerina who eats the most sugar on the planet.

Let me begin by saying that Sarah has a blog, Sublime Delights, which I think you should visit because she a) baked me an awesome cake, and b) called me a delicate ballerina.

Now, I’m sure you’re looking at that cake and thinking: that cake isn’t crappy. I mean, look at the adorable buttercream stars and delightful polkadot candles! You might also reference points #3 and #5 (above), which don’t sound crappy at all. But I’m going suggest you take a closer look, my friends.


It’s not even on a table! And there’s a vase of tulips there… like a centrepiece. So, I guess Sarah would have me eat my birthday cake laying upon the turf in her yard, as she has created a lawn tabletop. Lawn tabletops are worst sort of tabletops, which is exactly why I don’t picnic. Ever. On the plus side, the cake sounds delectable, and the “table” setting is elegant. Perfect for any birthday party attended by yours truly and some tick-infested wildlife. Did you know that black bears like raspberries? Raspberries just like the ones Sarah put on top of my birthday cake? What self-respecting bear would walk away from a cake like that? None that I’ve met.

. . .

Laura’s Cake

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

Laura's Cake 2

You might remember dancing Laura from Ginger 2012. She’s graduating from my alma mater, Canada’s National Ballet School, this year. She’ll be a ballet teacher just like me! Also, she bakes. Just like me. And ten bucks says she’s wearing a lot of yoga pants these days… it’s a Single White Female kinda situation.

In the note accompanying her entry, Laura wrote:

When I first saw that you were offering the opportunity to bake an absolutely craptastic cake, a number of ideas went flying through my head. I could bake you some cake pops, tiny cakes in a jar, decorate a cake with a picture of the perfect Rutherfords and use raisins everrrrrywhere, because I know how much you truly love them.

That’s sarcasm, people. You know I hate all of those things.

Instead I made you this little number. It’s a triple layer yellow cake with a hint of lemon and large quantities of lemon buttercream (who says you can’t stick a crumbling cake back together with frosting? It just might lean precariously to one side once finished). This was my first attempt at covering a cake in fondant (it helps hide the crumbling innards) and on top is royal icing Movita, with birthday greetings that I may have smeared not once, but twice, with my own elbow.

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays! I may even do a celebratory dance with my tiresome goat in your honor…

First off, the Tiresome Goat is the best folk dance OF ALL TIME. I trust that my students will perform it (with live goats) at my memorial. Second, that cake is the Tiresome Goat of birthday confections. Perfect for a celebration of butter, sugar and a life not ended by a psychopath roommate. Look at that thing! First off, I look really good. Look how skinny my legs are! Also, my real-life body is about 60% royal icing, so Laura’s representation of me is pretty accurate. It’s as if she studied everything about me for weeks on end… What’s not to love about this cake? Lemon buttercream and three almost-structurally sound layers? Yes, please. Did Laura take the Bake My Cake logo to a whole new level of awesomeness? Hells yah, she did! Is it possible that only someone with a borderline personality disorder would go to this sort of trouble for the ballet teacher turned baker she so desperately wishes to emulate wholly and completely? Possibly.

. . .

Shannon’s Cake

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

Shannon sent an essay with her entry. A crap dissertation, if you will. Here are some of my favourite bits (with some editorial notes from yours truly):

I know you love buttercream, and also pistachios. You enjoy fresh salads and fresh cookies with equal vigor. But I also know what you don’t like. Welcome, then, to your birthday cake.

You once told me that you hated anything “soaked,” like bread pudding or tiramisu. I also know from experience that you dislike raisins, dates, and the like hiding in your baked goods. Simply put, you find them repulsive and may or may not barf all over anything which contained them.

Especially if the thing which contained them is bread pudding.

Your cake is what my translation of a “crappy cake” is. It is your own private hellcake. 

Is anyone else’s throat tightening? Something feels funny in my tummy…

What you see before you is a simple bread pudding, packed super tight and soaked with a massive amount of eggs and milk, with a little vanilla and cinnamon thrown in for good measure. Also, it is strewn with raisins… so, so many raisins. And they soaked in that soaky bread for a good, long time, so by the time I baked them, they were maybe three times their original size, and soft as a… well… they were soft. and moist. verrrrrrry moist.

Look at the photos of Shannon’s cake CLOSELY. Perhaps you, too, thought you were looking at some sort of Oreo-infused delight. But no. We’re looking at… I just need a moment here… swollen raisins.

After the bread pudding was baked, I cut it into three six-inch cake layers, and then i soaked those cake layers with a wee bit more milk; just in case it wasn’t moist enough. Who knew it was so easy to make bread pudding into a stable cake? I added layers of cream cheese frosting (just to give it a little more flavor and really lock that moisture in there) and then finished the whole thing off with what may be my best sprinkle design ever: Sprinkle Mountain.

Sprinkle Mountain? Guys! We’re gunna be okay! Unless…

And see that ballerina at the top? That’s you… diving right into all three layers of this cake. Immersing yourself into the soft, slightly wet, pillowy folds of bread and raisins. 

Good grief! If the geniuses at Everest College wanted to up their game, they’d drop those criminal justice courses they keep plugging on Peachtree TV and hire Shannon to develop a Cake Technology program. Structurally sound bread pudding? Held together with the carcasses of a million grapes? Genius. Also: diabolical. On the other hand, look at those sprinkles! Yes. Let’s focus on the sprinkles. Let’s sit upon a chair, gently rocking back and forth, soothing ourselves with repetitive hand motions and the thoughts of pretty, pretty sprinkles…

(If you’d like to get educated in the art of all things awesome – both with and without raisins – hang out with Shannon here. She’ll probably share the recipe for my private hellcake with you… *shudder*)

. . .

Kita’s Cake

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

bake my cake 2014 | movita beaucoup

Unlike our other competitors, Kita sent almost NO information with her cake. No essay, no points to consider, no nothing. She did mention that she hadn’t read the part about submitting crappy cakes, but who actually reads nowadays? That’s what books on tape are for. So, not to worry, Kita, I’ll send you a cassette the next time I need to ensure we’re on the same page. Besides, sprinkles make up for everything. That cake is absolutely perfect! It’s all a birthday confection should be – joyous and begging to be consumed. And it’s set against a background that looks like a sky! With a bunny! Three layers of sprinkly goodness topped with a magnificent yellow buttercream. I wanna grab one of those forks and dive right…


What’s that beside my cake? Up there… in the upper right hand corner… is that a garbage bin? Is my cake next to a rubbish receptacle? No. That can’t be garbage! Don’t be silly! That’s… what is it? Fabric? Fabric in a mesh bin? IS THAT A LAUNDRY HAMPER? Is my cake next to DIRTY LAUNDRY? What the? Who goes to all the trouble of styling the sh*t out of a cake photo – gorgeous cake stand, flowers, eggs, bunnies, painted backdrops – and then forgets to move the filthy bed sheets?

Still. Pretty cake…

(You can see more of Kita’s pretty, pretty photos over on her blog. She’s the real deal, and I’m relatively sure she does her laundry on a semi-regular basis.)

. . .

Poll will close at 8 am AST, Friday, May 2nd. Repeat voters are blocked by cookie and IP address. 

31 Responses to bake my cake 2014 ~ cast your vote

  1. ibreatheimhungry April 30, 2014 at 8:07 am #

    I’m super sad to hear that bake my cake is no more – I hope that you will come up with some other competition ideas because you run them like a champ and I’ll especially miss your hilarious commentary on all of the entries! Speaking of which, while the other cakes are lovely, Shannon is the clear winner in my book! She totally embraced the spirit of this contest and made a truly craptastic creation – that takes guts!! Nothing says I love you like taking the time to make a cake full of all the things you hate! Also her dissertation made me LOL, then ROFL, then I threw up in my mouth a little. If I have to read the word moist ONE MORE TIME. Truly awesome – except she forgot the graham cracker crust. Oh and the ballerina upside down – the perfect touch of I don’t even care enough to stand her upright. Vote for Shannon friends – she deserves to finally win Bake My Cake with this hideous masterpiece!!!

    • shannon April 30, 2014 at 8:29 am #

      Mellissa, i know you always have my back! Except when you feel like beating me with your bacon chocolate cake (but you deserved, really, to win that one, it was epic). 🙂 I actually was going to do a graham cracker frosting but i ran out of time; certainly that would have made it absolutely perfect.
      Seriously, you’re too sweet: thank you for liking my cake. I feel good about this one: i may actually win for the FIRST TIME EVER.

  2. shannon April 30, 2014 at 8:31 am #

    ummmm…yo: why are everyone else’s cakes so beautiful, and, more importantly, made up of things you’d like??!?! i feel like the girl who went to school on “wear fancy gowns” day who forgot and dressed entirely in gym clothing. awkward…

    • movita beaucoup April 30, 2014 at 8:35 am #

      Shannon, I proclaim you the Queen of Crap! Kinda like prom queen, but better, as you don’t actually have to go to a prom. It’s not a particularly elegant title, but I’m thinking I could elevate the honour with a homemade raisin tiara…

  3. emma April 30, 2014 at 8:59 am #

    Oh movita, who even listens to books on tape anymore ?? As someone who still listens to cassettes, I can confirm that there aren’t many out there like me. We’re a crappy, dying breed.

    It is now my goal to come to Halifax and take you on a picnic with me.

  4. Kita (@passthesushi) April 30, 2014 at 9:10 am #

    Crap! I totally wanted to come over here and vote for my own cake… but damnit that soaked date filled oreo stuffed drunken ballerina is kind of perfect.

    And seriously? No essay. What’s a girl got to do. Just in time for bake my cake not to return… It takes me like two or three rounds to finally get my crap together. We could mention how horrid of a baker I am and that I really really wanted to participate. I should tooootally get brownie points for trying.

    😉 I hope you have an awesome birthday

  5. chef mimi April 30, 2014 at 9:11 am #

    This is the most hysterically funny post I’ve ever read!!! I wish I’d known about this challenge. I can make crappy cakes easily. Maybe I should win by default? Keep baking ladies. My vote’s for Shannon. The best crappy cake I’ve ever seen.

  6. Matt April 30, 2014 at 9:57 am #

    O.k. True confession time. I followed a link from Melissa’s FB page so I could take a look at what a crappy cake looks like. I was expecting something like a vintage looking diner cake…you know, the kind that tastes like a truck stop ashtray. Or those awesome looking supermarket cakes, misshapen and misspelled, with plasticy frosting covering up a stale, sicky yellow brick. And then I saw Shannon’s cake…whoa now. Hellcake? I beg to differ. What you call bloated grape carcass….( I really like that one ) …I’ll call little pillows of goodness. Cream cheese layers? Gimme gimme. And vanilla/cinnamon milk soaked cake? Yes,please….can I get a glass of milk too?

    Of course, what’s my opinion worth? Not much if you ask Melis…she calls me a Philistine. And, I guess she’s somewhat right. I think Mary Kitchen hash is awesome. I will eat a Claxton fruitcake from the gas station and enjoy every sticky sweet bite….even while my brain and common sense is telling me to stop. And I’ll wash a PBJ down with a cold beer…..yes, while I’m sober. ( you were thinking it)

    But then, a pile of sprinkles? Uh…pass. Sprinkles and those orange circus peanut candies are on equal ground in my world. Blah!! Say no……no to sprinkles. I would rather eat a huge steaming bowl of broccoli than that vile stuff. And when that happens, when I have reached that level of desperation, it’s only because of a shipwreck which has stranded our party on a desert island, and the only other food option is long pig. That ballerina really seems to dig them though….head first even. Next thing you know, she’ll be eating a Claxton fruitcake….alone in her car to hide from a disapproving spouse. And then, the feeling of regret…not from shame, but because it was gone way too fast. The horror of realizing that the wrapper is still in your hand when you enter the home, and the look of disgust when the wrapper that is clutched in hand has been spotted behind the back.

    But that is the way with cakes like Shannon’s and mine. They must be eaten quickly, least common sense and a nagging voice preventing you from finishing it. You must stuff the wrapper in an old produce bag, and hide it under the cauliflower leaves that are in the bin.

    And there is the bottom, my friend. Everyone is only one cake away…but don’t blame the raisins.

    Matt. A.KA. Mr Hungry.

    • movita beaucoup April 30, 2014 at 11:51 am #

      Dearest Matt, my hungry friend,

      This ode to crappy cake, this tale of desperation and regret, this heroically composed monologue! You win, sir! Comments on the interweb should be shut down forevermore, as I cannot imagine another keyboard soliloquy ever matching this raisin-inspired sermon.

      Yours in propinquity,
      movita beaucoup

      • ibreatheimhungry April 30, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

        I just came here to say that a) Mr. Hungry is totally telling the truth about both his hatred of sprinkles and his love of bloated raisins (and ewww, fruitcake), and b) he’s never left a comment this awesome on any other blog (including IBIH) about any of my own crappy creations – even when he got to eat them. So Shannon, you win not only at making the crappiest of crappy cakes, but also at inspiring Mr. Hungry to bare his soul to Movita fans and strangers everywhere! Bravo my friend, bravo…

    • emma May 1, 2014 at 4:36 pm #

      I would like to request a change of vote. I would like to cast my ballot for this here comment.

  7. Willow @Will Cook For Friends April 30, 2014 at 10:00 am #

    All of these cakes are worthy adversaries, but I have to say, Shannon’s really is the crappiest of them all. The only thing that could have made it crappier would have been a graham-cracker crust, but even without that, I think her entry really takes the cake (get it? har har). I mean, the upside-down ballerina is worth a vote all on it’s own. Not to mention her essay, which really adds to the horror factor.

    In other news… I hope you have a fantastic birthday, filled with all your favorite, not-crappy things!

  8. Lanski April 30, 2014 at 11:01 am #

    I voted for Sarah because she has distilled the essence of crappy and made it LOOK GOOD! This to me is Genius Crappy – elevates Crappy to the rarified realm of ironic self-commentary. I delight in a Crappiness that draws me in only to disappoint in its self-mockery … and yet I cannot turn away, it seduces me still. In cake as in life, it is the tension of the self-assured Crappiness that I embrace.

  9. Mama v April 30, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

    Although my vote went to the ‘Rutherford the Mouse’ cake idea – a raisin loaf carved into a mouse shape, covered in cream cheese frosting with Graham cracker crumb ‘fur’ and pooping out raisins in the shape of ‘Happy Birthday’, like any sane parent of an almost graduating student, I stepped aside and let her do her ‘thing’ and as, on first glance, it looks like a decent birthday cake – here are a few ‘crapactzoids’ about Laura’s Crappy cake that she didn’t mention:

    Her crappy kitchen at her (student) apartment wasn’t big enough to produce this amount of awesomeness so she made it at home, on Easter weekend, when (most of) the family was here – too afraid her brother might absentmindedly eat some of it during some sportsy event he would get overly excited/mad at whilst watching TV in their apartment (crappy parent vote #1 – forcing siblings be roommates whilst at college); she spread it around my crappy kitchen and the dining room, whilst I attempted to host a family event…

    I admit to inadvertently trying to sabotage said decorations whilst serving dinner – took out 2 ‘Movitas’ in one swoop…

    Said cake was put together and photographed and after only consuming one slice each, she and her brother returned to their crappy apartment and left the crapload of carbohydrates and cholesterol on a plate for their father and I to consume… was this a subtle message that they don’t want us to stick around long enough to impart our parental knowledge onto them once they (eventually) get around to having kids themselves?

    MOTH EGGS PEOPLE – she surrounded the cake in moth eggs, whether she realized it or not! I think that should alone get her some votes!

  10. Stacy April 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm #

    Damn it all to hell! I knew I was forgetting something. And you know I have to vote for Shannon because SHE NAILED IT.

  11. rosiebeaucoup April 30, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

    I am baking Movita’s real – not semi-virtual – cake right now. It is a bit unconventional for a birthday cake but one that I have never baked for her before so I thought it was about time I did. It will not be dazzling in design but I am hoping all three components come together to form a taste sensation that she will want to repeat. Lovely Movita.

  12. Cravings of a Lunatic April 30, 2014 at 4:11 pm #

    I cannot vote until Kita explains the thing in the corner. It looks like a candle holder stuffed with paper. But I want to know. Then it’s open season on all the cakes.

    I was so freaking excited at the prospect of meeting Mellissa next month. But now I just want to shove her out of the way to meet her husband. Mellissa gets a hug in Miami and Matt is getting a giant bag of sprinkles.

    Now Kita needs to get her mountain biking arse back over here and explain the laundry.

  13. Maria April 30, 2014 at 9:32 pm #

    um…Shannon’s cake is crappy? You mean she HAD TO WORK at it to get it to look like that? My cakes look like this! Well, that is, if I baked cakes, they would look like this, even after I’d slaved all day over recipes, do I or don’t I, and all while checking to see if the oven is at the right temperature (that ear thermometer didn’t work at all)! Go figure. I’m going to bake a cake. If it looks half this good, I will be a success. Shannon, you go girl! You rocked this one!

  14. Matt April 30, 2014 at 9:50 pm #

    Ummmm…..I’m starting to think MIami is a bad idea. Maybe I should stay home with the raisins.

  15. thekalechronicles May 1, 2014 at 12:23 am #

    Oh, I wish I were less busy and had seen the invitation to bake a crappy cake! I don’t like cake much, so baking a crappy one would not have been a problem. Bravo, Shannon! You could have also found a way to incorporate “red velvet,” another nasty thing Movita hates.

  16. thekalechronicles May 1, 2014 at 12:23 am #

    P.S. I would love the bread pudding cake, since it is not really a cake but a giant bread pudding. Pass the caramel sauce, please.

  17. Kerry Cooks May 1, 2014 at 5:28 am #

    Raisins that look like chocolate are a war crime in my book!

  18. Sandra R May 1, 2014 at 6:24 pm #

    Gee. I don’t know how I would feel if people worked really hard to incorporate everything I hated into a birthday cake. I mean, on the one hand, that’s alot of attention and care. On the other, well, yuck. I definitely know which cake is the crappiest. Swollen raisins.

  19. natalie @ wee eats May 2, 2014 at 12:07 am #

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I didn’t make your awesome cake in time, but trust me … you would have LOATHED it and probably even thrown up in your mouth a little bit.

  20. Nancy @ gottagetbaked May 2, 2014 at 7:16 pm #

    I am sad about many things. First that your crappy cake contest is ending. Second and most of all, that I didn’t get my shit together to bake and provide you with a crappy cake this year. I’m the worst evaaaaaah! I did vote for Shannon’s craptacular gag-inducing soaked raisin-filled cake before voting ended so at least I contributed in some small way. She totally nailed it. The only thing to really take it over the top would be to push one of the Rutherfords’ faces right into it. Isn’t it wonderful how everyone knows exactly what you hate and despise most in the world? Your commentary had me laughing so hard I had tears coming down my face. Bravo, Movita.

  21. Kelly Neil May 4, 2014 at 3:50 pm #

    Holy hell gosh darn it. I can’t believe I missed out on this craptasticness! Nice work to the competitors but really, what is with the dirty laundry? It made me chortle.

  22. movita beaucoup December 28, 2015 at 11:10 am #

    Comments on this post are now closed as it was published in April 2014. Thanks for stopping by!


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