Welcome to Bake My Cake 2014: Crappy Cake Edition. There were only four entries this year, so we’re skipping the preliminary rounds of voting and heading straight to the final vote! This also marks the last year for Bake My Cake, as it’s pretty clear that you people would rather eat a cake than bake one. (I’m so proud of you.)
I’m confident that you’re gunna love these cakes as much as I do. This year’s bakers submitted entries with references to ballet, sprinkles, and my awesomeness – my favourite things – and clearly utilized search engines and facebook to research everything I like/dislike.
Cast your vote at the bottom of the post! Poll will be open until 8 am AST on Friday, May 2, 2014.
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Sarah’s Cake was the first to hit my inbox, which means she loves me the most. Love is prompt – don’t accept anything less.
Sarah sent the following declaration of crap with her entry.
I think it might meet your requirements for your crappy cake edition:
1) assembly issues
2) fewer than 42 candles
3) tastes DIVINE!
4) just enough icing to make it luscious but some might complain it wasn’t gooped all over
5) light and airy and rich all at the same time, which reminds me of you: a delicate ballerina who eats the most sugar on the planet.
Let me begin by saying that Sarah has a blog, Sublime Delights, which I think you should visit because she a) baked me an awesome cake, and b) called me a delicate ballerina.
Now, I’m sure you’re looking at that cake and thinking: that cake isn’t crappy. I mean, look at the adorable buttercream stars and delightful polkadot candles! You might also reference points #3 and #5 (above), which don’t sound crappy at all. But I’m going suggest you take a closer look, my friends.
THAT CAKE IS OUTDOORS.
It’s not even on a table! And there’s a vase of tulips there… like a centrepiece. So, I guess Sarah would have me eat my birthday cake laying upon the turf in her yard, as she has created a lawn tabletop. Lawn tabletops are worst sort of tabletops, which is exactly why I don’t picnic. Ever. On the plus side, the cake sounds delectable, and the “table” setting is elegant. Perfect for any birthday party attended by yours truly and some tick-infested wildlife. Did you know that black bears like raspberries? Raspberries just like the ones Sarah put on top of my birthday cake? What self-respecting bear would walk away from a cake like that? None that I’ve met.
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You might remember dancing Laura from Ginger 2012. She’s graduating from my alma mater, Canada’s National Ballet School, this year. She’ll be a ballet teacher just like me! Also, she bakes. Just like me. And ten bucks says she’s wearing a lot of yoga pants these days… it’s a Single White Female kinda situation.
In the note accompanying her entry, Laura wrote:
When I first saw that you were offering the opportunity to bake an absolutely craptastic cake, a number of ideas went flying through my head. I could bake you some cake pops, tiny cakes in a jar, decorate a cake with a picture of the perfect Rutherfords and use raisins everrrrrywhere, because I know how much you truly love them.
That’s sarcasm, people. You know I hate all of those things.
Instead I made you this little number. It’s a triple layer yellow cake with a hint of lemon and large quantities of lemon buttercream (who says you can’t stick a crumbling cake back together with frosting? It just might lean precariously to one side once finished). This was my first attempt at covering a cake in fondant (it helps hide the crumbling innards) and on top is royal icing Movita, with birthday greetings that I may have smeared not once, but twice, with my own elbow.
I hope you have the happiest of birthdays! I may even do a celebratory dance with my tiresome goat in your honor…
First off, the Tiresome Goat is the best folk dance OF ALL TIME. I trust that my students will perform it (with live goats) at my memorial. Second, that cake is the Tiresome Goat of birthday confections. Perfect for a celebration of butter, sugar and a life not ended by a psychopath roommate. Look at that thing! First off, I look really good. Look how skinny my legs are! Also, my real-life body is about 60% royal icing, so Laura’s representation of me is pretty accurate. It’s as if she studied everything about me for weeks on end… What’s not to love about this cake? Lemon buttercream and three almost-structurally sound layers? Yes, please. Did Laura take the Bake My Cake logo to a whole new level of awesomeness? Hells yah, she did! Is it possible that only someone with a borderline personality disorder would go to this sort of trouble for the ballet teacher turned baker she so desperately wishes to emulate wholly and completely? Possibly.
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Shannon sent an essay with her entry. A crap dissertation, if you will. Here are some of my favourite bits (with some editorial notes from yours truly):
I know you love buttercream, and also pistachios. You enjoy fresh salads and fresh cookies with equal vigor. But I also know what you don’t like. Welcome, then, to your birthday cake.
You once told me that you hated anything “soaked,” like bread pudding or tiramisu. I also know from experience that you dislike raisins, dates, and the like hiding in your baked goods. Simply put, you find them repulsive and may or may not barf all over anything which contained them.
Especially if the thing which contained them is bread pudding.
Your cake is what my translation of a “crappy cake” is. It is your own private hellcake.
Is anyone else’s throat tightening? Something feels funny in my tummy…
What you see before you is a simple bread pudding, packed super tight and soaked with a massive amount of eggs and milk, with a little vanilla and cinnamon thrown in for good measure. Also, it is strewn with raisins… so, so many raisins. And they soaked in that soaky bread for a good, long time, so by the time I baked them, they were maybe three times their original size, and soft as a… well… they were soft. and moist. verrrrrrry moist.
Look at the photos of Shannon’s cake CLOSELY. Perhaps you, too, thought you were looking at some sort of Oreo-infused delight. But no. We’re looking at… I just need a moment here… swollen raisins.
After the bread pudding was baked, I cut it into three six-inch cake layers, and then i soaked those cake layers with a wee bit more milk; just in case it wasn’t moist enough. Who knew it was so easy to make bread pudding into a stable cake? I added layers of cream cheese frosting (just to give it a little more flavor and really lock that moisture in there) and then finished the whole thing off with what may be my best sprinkle design ever: Sprinkle Mountain.
Sprinkle Mountain? Guys! We’re gunna be okay! Unless…
And see that ballerina at the top? That’s you… diving right into all three layers of this cake. Immersing yourself into the soft, slightly wet, pillowy folds of bread and raisins.
Good grief! If the geniuses at Everest College wanted to up their game, they’d drop those criminal justice courses they keep plugging on Peachtree TV and hire Shannon to develop a Cake Technology program. Structurally sound bread pudding? Held together with the carcasses of a million grapes? Genius. Also: diabolical. On the other hand, look at those sprinkles! Yes. Let’s focus on the sprinkles. Let’s sit upon a chair, gently rocking back and forth, soothing ourselves with repetitive hand motions and the thoughts of pretty, pretty sprinkles…
(If you’d like to get educated in the art of all things awesome – both with and without raisins – hang out with Shannon here. She’ll probably share the recipe for my private hellcake with you… *shudder*)
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Unlike our other competitors, Kita sent almost NO information with her cake. No essay, no points to consider, no nothing. She did mention that she hadn’t read the part about submitting crappy cakes, but who actually reads nowadays? That’s what books on tape are for. So, not to worry, Kita, I’ll send you a cassette the next time I need to ensure we’re on the same page. Besides, sprinkles make up for everything. That cake is absolutely perfect! It’s all a birthday confection should be – joyous and begging to be consumed. And it’s set against a background that looks like a sky! With a bunny! Three layers of sprinkly goodness topped with a magnificent yellow buttercream. I wanna grab one of those forks and dive right…
What’s that beside my cake? Up there… in the upper right hand corner… is that a garbage bin? Is my cake next to a rubbish receptacle? No. That can’t be garbage! Don’t be silly! That’s… what is it? Fabric? Fabric in a mesh bin? IS THAT A LAUNDRY HAMPER? Is my cake next to DIRTY LAUNDRY? What the? Who goes to all the trouble of styling the sh*t out of a cake photo – gorgeous cake stand, flowers, eggs, bunnies, painted backdrops – and then forgets to move the filthy bed sheets?
Still. Pretty cake…
(You can see more of Kita’s pretty, pretty photos over on her blog. She’s the real deal, and I’m relatively sure she does her laundry on a semi-regular basis.)
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Poll will close at 8 am AST, Friday, May 2nd. Repeat voters are blocked by cookie and IP address.