crap no. 33

daisies // movita beaucoup

I had big plans for this summer which included blogging, writing a volume of Ballet Explained, a collection of autofictional essays and a bestselling children’s book, becoming a skilled dance photographer, and purging our entire house. I have achieved 2.5% of this. (Okay, 1.5%.) I believe my lack of productivity has something to do with the humidity here. Nova Scotia is like an armpit in July and August.

Good news! Murder Couple is back together! I saw them walking hand-in-hand the other night. They looked very happy and Murder Dude finally cut his hair. (Thank god.) Also, last night I watched as Murder Dude passed a man walking on the other side of the street and then slowly looked back at that other guy with an expression that most definitely said: a hunter is going to stumble upon part(s) of your body seven years from now. That was some awkward sentencing there, but you catch my drift.

Related: the other day someone asked me if The Rutherfords are Murder Couple, and I was all: no, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. Murder Couple is a couple that murders, not a couple that everyone wishes would… disappear.

Speaking of The Rutherfords, not so long ago one of the kid-Rutherfords gave me a detailed description of a family weekend. It centred on the usual Rutherford junk: hikes, bike rides, nature, playgrounds, sporting events. After several minutes of describing every activity I’ve never wanted to participate in, she finished with, “And then our toilets exploded.” Naturally, I requested clarification. “Backup! What did you say?” She slowly repeated, “OUR TOILETS EXPLODED,” like I was an idiot. So I said, “Listen kid, that was your hook. You OPEN with ‘our toilets exploded’ and then proceed from there. Leave that nature crap out in the future.” I feel like priorities are not being emphasized in that house.

niles // movita beaucoup

I found this photo of Niles on my phone yesterday. We got new stair treads last year and he was decidedly unsure about them.

Since leaving my job in June, I’ve run into a number of former colleagues, usually when shuffling around a shop in spaghetti-stained leisurewear. Those colleagues always furrow their brow and say something in hushed tones like, “Are you okay? What are you going to do? You must be finding it so hard. Are you finding it just so hard?” Now, I acknowledge that I may have forsaken makeup and fashion for the summer life, but I ain’t havin’ no hard time. So I have to whisper-shout something like, “You know I resigned, right? I WANTED TO LEAVE. That’s what resigning means.”

Do people not resign any more? Is it not a thing? Also, should I be dressing up to buy bananas? What should I be wearing to the grocery store? Please inform.

I know there’s a lot of talk about the rise of hatred and general assholery in the world, but there are just as many people trying to open their minds and hearts to all sorts of humans. Take, for example, the elderly woman I ran into while doing errands the other day. We struck up a lengthy conversation in the aisle at Michael’s, and I’m pleased to say she was determined to accept my lifestyle, absolutely no questions asked.

Her: And what is your partner’s name?
Me: Derek.
Her: That’s an interesting name for a woman.
Me: Yes. Yes, it is.

Aaaaand now you know 2.0’s real name.

5 Responses to crap no. 33

  1. Stacy August 18, 2017 at 3:59 pm #

    Been knowing 2.0’s real name but have enjoyed the air of mystery with his alias. Like 007, but with fewer evil masterminds and more golf. In response to your question, appropriate grocery store attire is anything comfortable that doesn’t make others lose their appetites, leading to a loss of income for the designated store. By which I mean, it’s subjective. Be you. Be free. Just don’t be too free with exposing you.

  2. Lady Tofu Rose, cuz it's summer August 20, 2017 at 8:02 pm #

    Ah mah gawd! Is the internets lighting up?!?! Derek, of course that is 2.0’s name. That was the biggest news of the year!! Also maybe you should go to the supermarket with more cat fur on your outfits. Especially on the butt of any black pants you may have!!!😂 aaand maybe just have an open can of cat food with a spoon in it very visible in your cart! Don’t actually eat it…. it is just a prop to help spread rumors so the mean girls at the shops will have something to gab about.
    Also it seems like you have been quite busy and productive this summer! Spending time avoiding/ having to engage with any Rutherford, #exhausting. Tracking the murder couple and writing reports to us. Dodging the mean girls,. Endlessly celebrating your Dad….. you’ve been on it all summer.
    Thank you again for the writings!!!!! They are super funny/ supremely awesome. I have watched the “wh were they from” video you posted a ton and itched
    All my coworkers to as well!! I am thanking you by suggesting you google the fitness marshal. I have secretly always wanted to be a break dancer.
    Okay, Sorry for the length, so sorry it is so long….
    Bests!!❤️🦄🌈💕💩

    • Lady tofu Rose August 20, 2017 at 8:08 pm #

      Err mah gawd I should proof read, I did not itch my coworkers 😂😂😂😂😂😂

  3. Bonnie August 23, 2017 at 9:33 am #

    Sooo, the toilet exploded…..then what. Please don’t leave me hanging there. It has taken me all summer to finally get back to reading my favourite blogs. I never worry about what I’m wearing to shop. I’m old enough to not care. Besides, it takes too much energy to change before going. Getting dressed once a day is enough, and then I might not do that till mid afternoon. Oh yes, I want to thank you for the smiles you give me. Keep the good stuff coming.

  4. Karen August 24, 2017 at 5:40 pm #

    Your former colleagues are just jealous.

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