crap no. 42

crap i've been meaning to tell you about // movita beaucoup

Book writing update: I wroted about 50 words. That’s between two book ideas, so 25 words for each practically-finished book. I haven’t been writing much of anything on this blog because — OBVIOUSLY — I’ve been busy writing books. Still, some of you get impatient when I haven’t posted here for a while. I’m beginning to think I’m going to have to fake my own death like this guy. (But I’d take way better photos.)

Everyone’s been talking about banning drinking straws and coming up with practical alternatives. I’d just like take a moment to remind people THAT HUMANS CAN DRINK WITHOUT STRAWS. Yes, I know we need to have some on hand for those with disabilities — JESUS PATRICIA TAKE IT EASY — but the rest of us should be just fine.

That said, my high school boyfriend’s mother insisted that we drink everything with straws because she was worried one of us would chip a tooth if we drank directly from a glass. Has this happened to anyone you know? Is this a scrape people are getting into on the regular?

The other day I went for a walk and there was a surprise downpour. The Weather Network said I’d have plenty of time for Fitbit steps before giving the construction crew a few blocks over a gander at a one-woman wet t-shirt competition, but I guess the Weather Network lies. On the plus side I made a bunch of new friends and joined a bowling league.

Not-so-long-ago 2.0 surprised me with a meal when I arrived home from work. I was super hungry and delighted to learn that I’d be putting food in my belly and it was food that I didn’t have to cook. The meal? Meat with a side of meat, of course. No veggies. No fancy sides. Just beef with a side of pork. It’s a little like living with a polar bear.

niles and dorey // movita beaucoup

I was talking about kitties with one of my older neighbours and he told me about a much beloved cat that he and his wife had for 20 years. When he got to the part about saying goodbye he said, “I know most people just throw them out in the trash, but when our cat died we decided she was a part of the family so we buried her in the yard. We just didn’t feel right about putting her in the garbage can.” Out loud I was all: that’s nice, but in my head I was all: WHO THE HELL THROWS THE FAMILY PET OUT WITH THE GARBAGE? Is this happening in my neighbourhood? Because this guy was super casual about it. And… are there other family members in his yard?

Speaking of beloved furry friends, Effie has been visiting me in the form of neighbourhood dogs.

Also speaking of beloved felines, our long-gone-never-forgotten friend Ebony once had a procedure done which involved shaving one of her legs. When we brought her home 2.0 turned to me and said, “Hey, honey? I always thought that Ebony was Caucasian, but now? With the fur shaved off her leg? I see that she’s African American.”

I was discussing my Bucket List with someone and when I got to ‘learn to drive a standard’ I was told it was unnecessary. I won’t lie to you: I felt immense relief. I put the skill on my list because I figured if I was at a rager and someone broke his elbow and the car at the end of the driveway was a standard and I was the only person sober enough to drive — gasps for air — I’d be happy to have the skill. But it turns out most people drive automatic transmissions, I don’t go to ragers, and I’m never sober. When I suggested replacing that item on my list with: learn to parallel park, someone else said: just buy a car that does that, dumbass. And then I remembered that money solves all problems.

13 Comments

  1. Jenni on August 28, 2018 at 12:43 pm

    NOBODY THROWS THEIR DEAD PETS IN THE TRASH! Well, not the big cuddly ones anyway. Maybe the odd fish or two.

    • movita beaucoup on August 28, 2018 at 3:10 pm

      I had to dispose of one of my neighbour’s fish recently. DID NOT LIKE. DID NOT LIKE.

  2. Jennifer on August 28, 2018 at 1:06 pm

    Last night I went to Canadian Tire to get a long extension cord and had to go up and down the aisles looking for what I needed. (Where does the staff hide when you need someone to help you ??!!)

    Anyway, there I was looking high and low and I found a new gadget. It is the skinniest brush I have ever seen and it is made for one purpose – CLEANING STRAWS. Really, who does that? Am I the only one who finds it strange? Biodegradable recycled paper straws should be a thing. Just saying…

    I also find the thought of tossing a beloved pet into the garbage very strange and VERY DISTURBING! Oh, and I can’t drive standard either.

    • Lynne on August 28, 2018 at 2:07 pm

      I’m trying to process the need for a tire store to carry straw cleaning devices. Are straws so essential to Canadian drivers that even the the tire store has put some thought into this? And do all Canadians have this OCD tendencies about their straws?

      So many questions…

      And I even can’t imagine pet family members being tossed in the garbage. One wonders about Grandma and Grandpa, too. 😲

      • movita beaucoup on August 28, 2018 at 3:17 pm

        Lynne, Canadian Tire is for more than just tires! (That’s paraphrasing one of their slogans.) It’s basically a classier Walmart, but without the clothing and food. And yes, Canadians are very particular about cleanliness and cars and tires and comedy and a bunch of other stuff too. 😂

    • movita beaucoup on August 28, 2018 at 3:13 pm

      Well, I’m glad you can’t drive standard. It’s just another argument against it.

      Now let’s say a certain percentage of the population needs straws (disabilities, etc.). Maybe the thought is that part of the population will eventually turn to re-useable straws? Straws that will need cleaning? Because paper straws give me the heebie jeebies. (It’s a texture thing.) So let’s assume that Canadian Tire is forward thinking? For the first time ever?

    • Lan | MoreStomach on August 29, 2018 at 5:47 pm

      we use stainless steel straws at home and we have a skinny brush to clean the straws. my husband found it on amazon. before that we would wad small tissue paper and shove it through with skewer sticks to get the straws clean. it was a pain in the ass, and yet we still utilized the straws like our lives depended on it.

      • movita beaucoup on August 31, 2018 at 8:25 am

        I’m gunna assume that everything tasted way better through those straws. WAY BETTER.

  3. Liz on August 28, 2018 at 7:28 pm

    The throwing the cat in the trash conversation had me laughing so loudly that my daughter actually looked up from her laptop. S

    • movita beaucoup on August 31, 2018 at 8:26 am

      Mission accomplished.

  4. Stephbo on August 31, 2018 at 6:38 pm

    What is it about men thinking that a meal consists only of meat?!? My husband does that too. Do they not pay attention when they’re eating masks prepared by someone other than themselves? I don’t get it at all.

    • movita beaucoup on September 1, 2018 at 8:53 am

      I guess when meat is the best, more meat is bester.

  5. shannon on September 5, 2018 at 1:45 pm

    i have missed you SO, so much.

    also, i feel comforted by your two book ideas and 50 words total writing on them. I also have a book idea i’ve had for maybe 5 years now: i’ve written 0 words so far, but i’ve written a TON in my head, so that’s like writing on paper. a little. it’s in there somewhere.

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