physiology
crap no. 58
Oh, hey. It’s been a while. Like, eight months. I’ve been away so long that as I’m typing this I’m also trying to re-learn how my site works because there have been upgrades and I’m befuddled. When we last talked my uterus had tried to assassinate me. I had a blood transfusion and was put…
Read Morecrap no. 57
I know what you’re thinking: what the hell, movita? Where have you been? I had some big plans for this pandemic. I figured I should make the most of my unemployment and divided my house into 15 small zones (rooms, hallways, staircases, entryways) for deep cleaning, purging, organizing, and trim painting. I got eleven zones…
Read Morepoop on deck: a captain’s log
ALL IS WELL. UNTIL IT ISN’T. 6:50 pm: Ten steps from the restaurant I feel a violent shift in my gut. The thirteen-block walk to my car seems manageable despite the uneasiness growing in my pelvic region, so I begin my trek. 6:51 pm: With each step comes more discomfort; a beastly churning rises…
Read Moregood for you
A few days ago, 2.0 announced that we were to start dieting. Twenty-seven of you thought it was a brilliant idea, and my mother sent me an email about eating vegetables. Sometimes I watch people frolicking in the out-of-doors from my kitchen window as I eat cookies over the kitchen sink. Some of those people are running.…
Read Moremoth-erly instincts
On April 26, 2012, I ate between 1 and 4.5 million moth eggs. I’m not sure how many I actually kept down, thus the broad range in estimated consumption. Immediately after consuming the moth eggs, I texted 2.0. The text read: I just ate moth larvae. I sent the text at 12:27 pm. I expected an immediate…
Read Morewelcome to the sweatshop
On a recent trip to the grocery store, my entrance was blocked by a group of fit humans promoting their gym. They were wearing expensive sneakers, matching tearaway pants, and jackets adorned with the gym’s logos. The clipboards they were holding made them look very official – like Mr. Harris, my sixth grade gym teacher. Kylie: Hi there!…
Read Morefeline fine
I have been doing everything and nothing, feeling up and feeling down. To be honest, I haven’t felt very motivated to blog. Or bathe. Or to get rid of that cobweb I noticed by the basement door three weeks ago. Both Effie and Niles have been under the weather. When you have two geriatric cats, you…
Read Morecrap no. 19
My first crap of 2016! (Literally. I’ve been pretty stressed out.) Niles the Cat has been under the weather lately, as he’s still battling an eye injury from October. This week we started a more aggressive treatment, which basically means things have to get worse before they get better. So because I’m a World Class Worrier, I’m…
Read Morebaby factory
2.0 and I have been living in our house for over five years now. We bought it after we’d been together for about six months, which proves that drooling on your own pants on your second date is the best way to snag the man of your dreams. We’d only been in the house for a few…
Read Morechocolate marshmallow layer bars {crap no. 10}
Some of you were confused by my last, almost-healthy recipe, so I decided to lay some multi-layered sweetness on you. Welcome to Crap I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You About, 10th Edition. One of my students recently told me a story about passing out in sex education class. At first I pretended to be concerned, but…
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