Posts by movita beaucoup
domestic foul
When you live in a small town, everyone knows everyone’s business. I spent half my senior year grounded thanks to gossipy townsfolk, all too happy to tell my parents they’d seen my car at Brad Keddy’s house when I was supposed to be at the library. And when my parents learned that Melanie Schofield threw a party when…
Read Morepumpkin carve-off 2016
This will be – hands down – the crappiest competition I have ever hosted. If you would like to be a part of this absolutely horrendous contest, please read the extensive guidelines below: 1. Carve a pumpkin. I don’t like rules, so as long as it involves some carving, even the smallest amount, I’m happy. Yes, you can glue stuff on. Yes, you can…
Read Morecrap no. 26
Murder Couple has made up. The other night as they walked past my house, lady killer was fondling her man’s… giblets. My sister agrees that only a couple of serial killers would think it was appropriate to grope someone’s meat and potatoes in public. (2.0 remains unconvinced.) Speaking of murder, the other night when I was watching Forensic Files,…
Read Morebirthday
Today we celebrated 2.0’s 45th birthday. He requested lasagna and a chocolate cake topped with boiled frosting to mark the occasion. We lit some candles and sang to our favourite fellow at the top of our lungs. After the smoke had cleared and we’d polished off second helpings, Rosie said, “I’m so glad I got all…
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welcome to the sweatshop
On a recent trip to the grocery store, my entrance was blocked by a group of fit humans promoting their gym. They were wearing expensive sneakers, matching tearaway pants, and jackets adorned with the gym’s logos. The clipboards they were holding made them look very official – like Mr. Harris, my sixth grade gym teacher. Kylie: Hi there!…
Read Morepetite merde no. 2
At the doctor’s office today: Dr. P: (holding her liquid nitrogen blaster) Have you had this procedure done before? movita: Nope. Dr. P: Okay, well… don’t scream. movita: Wait… what? (after the procedure) movita: Any special care instructions? Dr. P: Don’t buy a bathing suit. movita: Obviously. Wait… what? Dr. P: No swimming for a…
Read Morechili chicanery
2.0 and I often do our grocery shopping together, and we’ve carefully ranked the cashiers at our regular store. We know who’s fast, who’s slow, who’s friendly and who’s not. Our favourite cashier is Clara. If you’re in a hurry, don’t stand in Clara’s line. If you miss your mom, head right for her. Clara will…
Read Morepetite merde no. 1
Last night on Facebook, I posted the following status update: Dear Hadley, I forced our mother to eat french fries at lunch today. (She wanted bean salad. She wanted to pair her lobster club sandwich with BEAN SALAD.) Sincerely yours, Rachael My sister responded with: Remember when divorce started to become a common thing in…
Read Morecrap no. 25
Murder Couple had a fight last week. I’m not sure what happened, but I was out watering some plants when they came walking by. Lady killer was striding about 10 feet in front of her limping male counterpart, and looked like she had some plans for his eyeballs and a decorative jar. (Are they suffering from the…
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