crap i’ve been meaning to tell you about
TAKE A CRAP BATH
petite merde no. 5
We celebrated Canada Day yesterday. It’s like July 4th for you Americans but with ketchup chips. Years ago I lived in an apartment in the north end of Halifax and could watch the city’s Canada Day fireworks from my balcony. It was also a good vantage point for enjoying dudes being dudes. On this particular holiday it started with my neighbour, moved to whistle…
Read Morecrap no. 40
Greetings from my almost-death bed. I’ve had a neck injury shituation and things have been a little rough around here. It mostly hurts when I walk, breathe, sleep, sit and stand. I don’t want to say it has been making me overly emotional but… Last week I heard a bird crash into our living room…
Read Morecrap no. 39
I haven’t been able to drink anything peach flavoured since 1990 because one weekend I polished off an impressively large bottle of Dr. McGillicuddy’s Peach Schnapps and… well, you know how that goes. Guys? I don’t think Dr. McGillicuddy was a legit doctor. Niles the Cat had an eye infection (yes, most of my life…
Read Morecrap no. 38
I solved the Golden State Killer case 6 months ago and have received zero credit for the recent arrest of that seriously shady character. I KNEW IT WAS A COP. 8573 episodes of Forensic Files finally paid off. None of my neighbours bothered to alert me when the K-9 unit was in my yard looking…
Read Morecrap no. 37
I recently finished watching Seven Seconds on Netflix and it’s the best show I’ve seen in ages. I yelled at my television a lot (WHAT? NOOOOOOO!) and did some crying (the blubbering kind). Apparently there won’t be a second season because people are idiots. Since writing about the time I almost pooped my pants on…
Read Morepetite merde no. 4: identity crisis
A former student – now colleague and pal – has been a constant source of hilarity and forehead slapping for many years. I like to take credit for her good looks and brilliant sense of humour. I take absolutely no credit for her abilities as an eye witness and/or trust in humanity. A Facebook Messenger…
Read Morecrap no. 36
I know I haven’t been around here much lately, but I’ve been super busy trying to earn the respect of a local school-yard gang, so… it’s been a lot of late nights. A couple living in the basement apartment across the street from us spends a good portion of their days and evenings chain smoking…
Read Morecrap no. 35
Twice over the holidays 2.0 called me Richard. RICHARD. On the plus side, 2.0’s Uncle John sometimes refers to him as H20, and I like to think I had a little something to do with that. Someone asked me about Murder Couple the other day, and I’m sad to say I haven’t seen them since…
Read Morecrap no. 34
On a lovely day in September, 2.0 turned to me and asked, “Is today my sister’s anniversary?” I patiently replied with, “Well, she got married on your birthday.” He stood there staring at me until I further clarified with, “TODAY’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY, HONEY.” Rosie Beaucoup likes to lecture her adult children about all sorts…
Read Morecrap no. 33
I had big plans for this summer which included blogging, writing a volume of Ballet Explained, a collection of autofictional essays and a bestselling children’s book, becoming a skilled dance photographer, and purging our entire house. I have achieved 2.5% of this. (Okay, 1.5%.) I believe my lack of productivity has something to do with…
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